Samhain Eve and New Beginnings

At the beginning of the year, I thought my Life was going in one direction. Oops. No, it hasn't quite turned out like anything I planned. Life just kind of chewed up and spat out my Plans for World Domination like chewing tobacco. I was left looking at that horrible brown goo at my feet, scratching my head.

It's fine. I can take a hint.

It's clear that whilst I love doing different things, there is just one thing that never goes away. I am a writer. I've been a writer since I was a child. The problem has been my lack of commitment to it. I have been saying to myself since I finished my Creative Writing degree that I have projects, but no commitment. How lame, eh?

Well, I've had a long think. It's time to step up.

If this is my Bliss, then it's about time I lived it.

At the moment, I'm taking some time to re-energise and re-balance myself. The last six weeks have been hard: work and money-wise. My house is crying out for some attention and we won't even talk about my administration. It's fine. It can wait for a few days more. 

Tomorrow is Samhain. It's the biggest festival in the Pagan calendar. It celebrates the start of the Wheel of the Year; it's the last harvest festival before winter and it's the time of reflection and divination. The veil between the worlds thin, if we listen we can hear our ancestors' wisdom. We remember our glorious departed.

This is the perfect time to discard the old ways of thinking: the beliefs that don't work anymore, the attitudes that aren't helpful and to start planning anew.

I have no doubt Life will take another chomp out of my Plans for World Domination and that's fine. I've got three writing projects to kick off, all different and interesting to me for completely different reasons. I'm going to go for it. I have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. I am hopeful and more than a little bit excited.

The End

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been fun. But it's time to wrap things up here on journeying.


This was my first ever blog. When I started it in 2006, as part of my Final Major Project for my BA in Creative Writing Degree, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for, and what a brilliant time I would have doing it.


Since deciding to hang my shingle out as an NLP Practitioner in the Autumn of last year, I changed this to a subscription only blog, to protect my privacy and that of those around me. Journeying has always been my public blog, where I've put my thoughts on Life, The Universe and 42; while definitely beautiful was where I put the more intimate details up. I've found it difficult to maintain a subscription only 'private' blog and I've missed blogging in public.


Therefore, I have kicked off another blog; a blog where I can put my thoughts on Life etc up, without fear of invading the privacy of those around me.


Please update your blogrolls to add The Lighthouse Network. If I've missed you off my blog roll, my apologies, leave a comment and I'll follow you back!


So long, farewell, auf weidersein, adieu....

Catching Up

That is indeed the theme for this week. I have been catching up with myself, doing the things that should have been done over the Festive Break. I have filed my tax return on time. Yes, I know. I'm going on and on about it. I hate form filling of any kind. It doesn't matter if it's a form to take possession of a million pounds or Robert Downey Jr. I hate them. And then make it a form with numbers...well, now you're into serious loathing and detesting on top of abject hatred. You know how well I can procrastinate...last year I paid out good money in fines, rather than get my tax return done on time. This year, I couldn't be arse to be stressed about the whole thing. I decided to do it on time. So I did. I'm pleased with myself. 


Anyway, catching up with myself...so last Thursday, I bit the bullet and purchased the replacement for my defunct and deceased laptop. I was perhaps a little bit naughty. I indulged in a shiny MacBook Pro, but most of it was covered by the insurance. Truthfully, I have been so impressed with my iPod and iPhone that, this really wasn't a hard sell. I'm still getting used to the different user interfaces and setting things up just as I like it; but it's all good. It's very pretty and quick. It's intuitive and fairly idiot proof, so I'm happy. It means of course that I can surf the internet at a decent speed. I don't need to take time out every time I want to load a new page from the interweb.


There's quite a bit to get used to. What is particularly annoying is the fact that the content from my iPhone and iPod won't sync to my new laptop, despite it's the same apple account. It's just making importing stuff onto here a bit long winded and somewhat tedious. It would have been so much easier had my hard drive survived, but there you go. It's salvageable.


I'm currently procrastinating slightly. I was considering exercising today, but I've hurt my back and I'm not sure the exercise will do anything but make it worse. So, I will get myself clean and dressed and I will start tackling the paperwork pile sitting next to my front door.

Remember Me?

I used to blog here loads? Bore you senseless with my tales of woe? Is it coming back to you?


Yeah, well, I've been a bit busy. Instead of blogging about the kind of Life I'd like to lead, I've been leading the Life, I'd like to have time to blog about. I confess that a lot of it, I blame on Lawrence. We've been going out to see loads of small, live gigs. I might be wrong, but I think he worked out that we saw about 8 acts in about 7 days. It isn't unusual that we spend more on drinks than on tickets for the gigs (before you say, we usually have a couple of bottles of fruit juice or if we're being extravagant a bottle of beer for him, bottle of beer for me to last us most of the evening). Norwich is an awesome place to live; to be able to see so many great musicians for not a lot of money, well to me that's Epic Winning.


I am also currently flat out at work. This Friday is our annual Vision Day, when our directors lay out their Plans for World Domination. It is going to be an awesome day. In the meantime, I am busy, busy, busy. This weekend I will be clambering into my pyjamas and it's going to take something special or important to get me out of them; I've got books to read, DVDs to watch and a sofa that has been pining for me.


My own Plans for World Domination have had to wait as I've tried to get the other things done, but that's okay, I will be taking a few days off at the end of the month to get things back on track. I've got a weekend course to write and other plotting to put into motion.


Of course my IT issues are still unresolved. The insurance company's technical IT experts looked at my laptop and basically sucked their teeth. When I bought it, I seriously specked it out and they can't pull an equivalent off the shelf at Currys or PC World. This suits me just fine. It means I get another Dell, which I prefer. Before all the teckie people out there start pelting me with buns and tell me how awful Dells are and that there are cheaper models out there...I'm perfectly aware of this, I like them. It's what I want. No one ever got fired for buying Dell and they are fine for  what I want...and they don't fall over because their components are cheap and poorly assembled. I reckon it's going to be at least another 2-3 weeks before the new laptop is sat on this desk. I just need to continue to be patient with my ancient PC, which is doing it's damnedest to cope with all this high falutin, modern shite.


Apart from that, I continue to adhere to my New Year's resolution: listen to my inner wisdom and follow through. It's going well. I'm still smoke free. I can't say I've started to move my wobbly butt yet, but it will happen. I've been cooking more and eating better. Though I'm taking enough multi-vitamins, mineral and other supplements to rattle like a rain stick in the morning. I'm not sure how effective it's all been, except I'm much poorer and my urine is almost florescent, which is nothing if not entertaining in the middle of the night.


So, it's all good here, if busy and knackering and fun. I will do my best to try to visit and blog more. I miss you guys. xxx

2012 - The Year of the Water Dragon

According to the Chinese, 2012-2013 will be the Year of the Dragon, in Water. The dragon, in Chinese mythology, is associated with power, success and wealth. In its water aspect it brings about great changes. It is a supernatural being.


I've been spending a great deal of time thinking and day dreaming about the year ahead and the Life I want to lead, as far as my economic activities are concerned. Last year, the other aspects of my life began to really slot into place as I got my head together.


Last year my resolution was to Stop Thinking About It - Do It. This year, I am Listening to my Inner Wisdom and Following Through.


This year will be about: healing, re-aligning my internal chemistry (life without nicotine), moving more, getting my NLP Practice off the ground. This is the year it's all going to be happening; so watch this space!

2011, The Year that Was...

going to be 'Stop Thinking About It, DO IT'.


That was my only resolution. But within that, I started exercising, gave up smoking several times, stopped exercising and kept smoking.


Do I feel a failure about it? No, not really. Because when I chose that resolution, I just wanted to get moving again. I wanted to have a Life. Rather than sitting 24/7 at my laptop, I wanted to do stuff. And it didn't matter if I didn't follow through, I just wanted to have a go.


Have a go, I certainly did. I became an NLP Practitioner and dragged my Boy in after me. If I thought it, I aimed to do it.


So, what was 2011 like? Well, painful and stressful immediately come to mind. It was the first year after my dad died, which was never going to be fun. I was working in two places, and then in March, I started doing 4 days a week at the financial services. I'm glad I made the move. I have learnt an awful lot. I work with and for fantastic people. And it means I write. It seems that it doesn't matter what I write, as long as I write. If I don't, I become totally crazy (as opposed to partially crazy).


This was the year when things began to make more sense to me. I began to understand the role that values play in mine and other peoples' lives. And quite simply, I began to see why some things work and don't work in this context. This in return made for quite an interesting time as far as my love-life was concerned.


Looking back on it, I can't ever think of a time when my love-life has ever been so active. Truly. Things kicked off with the German, end of April and I kicked him to the curb in middle of May. Thinking back on it, in terms of values, he was unkind and miserly, both emotionally and physically and he didn't respect me. Then there was the Surgeon, who could have been lovely, if only he wasn't so wounded. After he stood me up, I decided that really wasn't good enough, I did invite him to remain friends which he never took me up on. And I didn't miss him anyway. In between M. le Frog, hopped in and out creating havoc in my heart. And then there was Northern Bloke...ah yes. We met on FB after the riots, we met physically twice. Perhaps the most 'interesting' of my encounters, especially looking at his values. Which I never saw. They were shrouded in the nice words he thought he should say. His definitions were never fully-formed or indeed, transparent. Interesting considering he's in a similar line of work to my mentor. This should have ensured we'd share common ground, values and interests. Nope. Didn't mean bugger all. He thought he was up to the task of challenging my reality. It still rankles slightly, and just goes to show how arrogant I am, what annoys me is that he thought he could take me on. I have two degrees and I'm an NLP Practitioner *and* he thought he could bend me to his will? Really? Eejit. M. le Frog hopped in and then finally, completely out of my heart.


Because, the week before I went down to London, to meet Northern Bloke, I'd made a new friend. Lawrence and I became partners-in-crime. We'd go to gigs, go on walks, go to dinner, hang out. It was a friendship that meant so much to me. Slowly, slowly, it grew into something more. 


So, that's got to be one of the biggest changes of 2011. 


What does 2012 have in store? Who can say? According to the Mayans, this year the apocalypse begins. I'm just waiting for the exact date so I can stop paying my credit card.


Anyway, in all seriousness now. Given the success of last year's, and I do count it a success, I've decided I will listen to my inner wisdom. Sounds easy, doesn't it?


Hah. Shows what you know.


My inner wisdom is telling me that there are big changes to be made this year. I stopped smoking midnight, my body is making it damn clear it won't tolerate it for much longer. I am also aware that my body needs to move more. There's the small matter of my finances to sort out. My stress levels to attend to...yeah, I think I've got enough to be getting on with at the moment.

Christmas 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me wish you all a very Merry [insert Winter Festival of Choice]. It has been a good one here in the Casa del Roses. I don't do stress at Christmas time. I refuse. I got into my jammies on Christmas Eve and I'm not entirely certain I'll get out of them today either.

Boy is with me and our Christmases have a certain shape: pressies, breakfast, glasses of naughtiness, cook lunch, watch crappy dvds, nap on sofa, more food, more crappy dvds. It suits us just fine. We laugh a lot.

This year, there was no disaster with the duck. It went very well. The carcass is currently sitting in my kitchen having been thoroughly picked clean. I was on top of the washing up while I was cooking, so while the kitchen does look like a bomb site, it's not as bad as it could be. I am feeling no pangs to address the mess yet. I'm on my second cup of coffee in my pink, fluffy dressing gown and alls well in my world. My major decision today will be whether I get dressed or not. Given it's past mid-day, probably not.

Boy is currently snuggled up to Razzy P, who joined us in the evening. The two of them are so totally cute, it's bordering on nauseating. Bless them. I count my blessings and Razzy P and her family are definitely one of them.

The one fly-in-the-ointmen is my current IT issues. I discovered that while I need my coffee in the morning to function, laptops do not feel the same way. Sugar and circuit boards aren't a good combination. Lawrence has kindly offered the services of his son-in-law to see whether it can be cleaned up enough for me to get the data off, but I am pretty sure it will be an insurance job. If only I can find the policy documents for my house insurance. It is all fixable, one way or another, it's just a pain in the arse until I'm up and running again. But I'm not going to stress about it today. Tomorrow I will dig out the paperwork and take it from there.

The next few days are dedicated to chilling-the-fuck-out. I pushed it a bit too far and I'm paying the price. It's all a learning curve. I know better now. There are things on my To Do List, which I must do; and do them I will. But gently does it. Pottering around works very well for me.

I am also considering the year ahead.

2011 was the year of: Stop thinking about - Do it!

So, now I think about what I want for myself in 2012. But that will have to wait for another blog post.

PS. Oh yes, I meant to say. My braces are now off. Ladies and Gentlemen, I now have a metal free smile and it's fantastic. I've still got to wade my way through the retaining period - which will be years, but frankly after having gone through all the hassle and pain. I will do it. I'm so pleased with it. It was worth every penny and all the pain. But the joy of being able to eat green things in front of other people, without fear of it all being stuck in my teeth, bliss. Bliss I tell you.

Blogging Update By Bullet Points

• I have bloggers block
• I've been very busy at work
• Had a very busy social life over the last couple of weekends
• Went to No Strings Cabaret and Burlesque night last weekend
• Burlesque is heaps of fun; risque rather than raunchy
• Corsets are impossible to put on without assistance
• They really do heave everything in and up!
• It won't take much pursuading to put it on again, though apparently, I need it in a smaller size!
• I definitely will get a different skirt. Not so much skirt as frilly belt
• And no, there are no pictures. Don't even ask.
• I've been suffering from Domestic Urges
• Last weekend, I had a hankering to make a Roast Chicken
• I am out of practice. My timings were all wrong with the roasties
• It still tasted good
• Since then I have cooked *and* done dishes
• My laundry is out of control, the floordrobe currently rules
• I don't care
• It's a good thing I don't share my bedroom with anyone else.
• My Boy is now 18 years old
• He is now the responsible adult in the house
• He enjoys being carded now
• He is enjoying going out for legal drinks with his mates
• He now has part of his tattoo done
• It is quite spectacular and we can't wait until January when it gets finished
• Funny, how it just looks so right on him
• He's proud of it and himself, I'm proud of him too
• I've been watching loads of groovy dvds
• They include: Harold and Maude, Moon, Touch of Zen and last night there was Men Who Stare at Goats
• Tomorrow night, I'm off to the cinema to see Puss in Boots
• You can tell I'm so High Brow in my entertainment, can't you?
• Since seeing Nobodaddy, I've been in a Bluegrass frame of mind
• Gillian Welch has been on repeat
• This has not been helped by the awesome gig last night
• Brooks Williams is truly awesome
• iTunes has been having quite a bit of business from me lately
• More worrying than the Domestic Urges is the fact I'm looking forward to Christmas
• Boy says he will be with me which means...duhn, duhn, DUHN....Drunken Duck
• Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it will be Xmas pjs, naughtiness, dvds and drunken cookery
• I've been serious about buy presents from local/independent shops
• Even if it has meant me going into the City on a Saturday
• It has required me being more thoughtful, but the effort is worthwhile.
• My favourite eating/drinking place on Unthank Road, 103 has gone bust
• I am well pissed off
• It was the only place in walkable distance where I could have a meal for one, without being the sad weird woman, desperate to pick up
• It worries me how many shops are going under
• I worry for next year, I seriously do
• The World is Going to Hell in a Handbasket.
• I am looking forward to my works' dos
• Yes, you read that right, in the plural
• Friday, is the sit down, posh do for my current employment
• Monday, is the sit down, poshish do for my previous employment
• The following Friday is the not-so-posh eat and drink afternoon/evening out for current employment
• I have an awesome dress for the posh do, really looking forward to wearing it.
• Hanging around people who are passionate about the coffee and tea they drink, is contagious
• Had lunch with my ex-Course Leader today
• First cup of coffee was machine made (yes, I could really tell)
• The second cup of coffee in a different establishment had me frowning
• It tasted like it would have been good, but something had gone wrong along the line
• Round, robust flavour, but bitter, bitter aftertaste, like they'd scraped the burnt off toast
• I now have 3 different types of coffee to choose from in the morning
• Am considering buying a stove-top coffee maker.
• Speaking of things I'm considering buying...
• Miller Harris have a new fragrance out
• It is to die for
• It's called La Fumee and it's just like incense made perfume
• *drools*
• I will wait until after Xmas and the January credit card before I go nuts
• I may end up having a perfume saving pot
• But it is just, just fantastic
• Considering I've had bloggers' block, I've done quite well.

Think Floyd

So when my exH declined to go with Boy to the Pink Floyd tribute band, I stepped up. It's actually my exH's fault we are Pink Floyd fans in this household. He introduced me to The Delicate Sound of Thunder compilation album when I was 19 and I haven't looked back since. Boy wanted to do something with his dad and was mucho pissed when his dad refused on the basis he was too old.

Me? I'll turn up to the opening of an envelope. I have no pride. If someone invites me, and they mean it, I'm there. Oh yes I am. Firstly, any excuse for a new experience. Secondly, I like to support. And thirdly, well...let's face it, I'd just spend my life on Facebook.

The gig was down at the Waterfront. An interesting venue. There's no dress code and it's a bit shady (but not in a bad way). On the way there, Boy asked me if I knew where I was going. Bless him. I've seen the Medieval Babes play there; and when I went through my very (brief) clubbing stage, I spent a few Saturday nights having a good boogie there. Their 80s nights were always great fun.

Well, what can I say? Boy brought the average age down a bit. But not much. Lots of past-middle aged ex-stoners, not a lot of hair. Those that had, it was the obligatory long and slightly greasey. The crowd were very good natured, if a bit subdued.

The band itself, Think Floyd were rather awesome. They played all the favourites. And I have to say, The Great Gig in the Sky was superb. It really was, and it's not particularly a favourite of mine. The backing singer really gave it some welly and with good feeling. During the intermission, it was so funny to see everyone milling about and trying to hide their yawns. I think we were definitely up past bedtime.

The second half, they played some early Floyd which I think would have been much better had I listened to it in the same frame of mind they were when they wrote it - stoned. But then, I prefer their later stuff anyway. The crowd sang Another Brick in the Wall Pt 2 rather well. And their version of Comfortably Numb was brilliant. Yes, we sang that one, word for word too.

All in all, a fantastic evening was had. If only my ears would stop ringing...

The Mish Mash of Life, the Universe etc...

Well, it's definitely turning to Winter. And I've pretty much pulled up the drawbridge and am ready to hibernate. Probably why I'm not blogging so much...though I'm usually lurking on Facebook, twitter etc.

Life is what it is, wintery, bit grey, good bits...

I will confess to having a bit of trouble with the fact that in 10 days time, Boy will be 18 years old! 18 years old! How the fuck did that happen? Eighteen years ago, I was married, living in Fakenham, waiting impatiently for his arrival. Eighteen years later, he's got a part-time job, a girl friend and is in college doing his A-levels. He's gone from bump to this fine young man, for whom I just feel this immense maternal love and pride.Bless him, he's being patient with me. I've been giving him loads of cuddles, hugs and generally checking him out.  I just can't get my head around it. Honestly, my heart hurts sometimes at the immensity, the wonder, the love and joy of him.

So much has changed in that time. It would be tempting to say, so much is still the same. But I wonder now if that's true. Looking ahead into the future, I wonder what Life will be like. Will he have a family, a career, be living near or far from me? I look forward to seeing him, a man, a husband, a father. One thing that won't change, he'll still be my baby. I think he's resigned himself to it. I might be knocking on 59, and he'll be 36 and I'm pretty sure he's still going to be my Boy.

Serendipity, or that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

Sometimes, Life can be an exercise in self-restraint, or in tedium or as it's been since Friday, fun.

My client cancelled his session yesterday, which was fine. I was due to have my braces adjusted (always a fun experience, not), so it meant I could move at my usual pace: snail's. I enjoyed 2 cups of my new Mexican blend of coffee...or orgasm in a mug as it's otherwise known in this house; and headed out. When I got to said orthodontist, he wasn't there. A letter was sent to my previous address in September. Oops. I was going to call into The Window for a cuppa anyway.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am old enough to know better. I understand the effect too much caffeine has on my system after years of indulging. Normally, I have one good cup of coffee to kick my day off and then at work, I drink instant (two spoonfuls mind you) after mid-day I stop. I drink coffee no later than 1pm. If I have a large meal, then one cup of coffee is fine. But generally speaking, if I don't stick to this rule, I turn into Manic Bunny and bad things happen. Tea doesn't seem to count. I can drink tea in the afternoons by the gallon. Yes, I know it's got caffeine in it, but it doesn't affect me in the same way. Yesterday, I let pleasure overwhelm my good sense. I tried a cup of the Brazilian blend which was lovely and nutty, and then of course had to try the new Jaberwocky in stock. When I drove home I was aware that I was in the midst of a major caffeine jag. The shakes are not fun, I can tell you.

The evening I hung out with the D-Man. We went to a local bar to listen to live music. The first act was not experienced and nervous. He wasn't bad, but like most new musicians, he just needed to get over himself. The second act, Nobodaddy, were fantastic. They say their music is literate folk, somewhere between Nick Cave and Gillian Welch. Their harmonies are tight, they are great musicians and they understand performance. If you're in Norwich and have the opportunity, see them, you won't regret it. After their set, the D-Man asks me 'more music or food'. Food it was.

Talk about a contrast to the night before. Certainly made up for it. We're friends and comfortable with each other. I still haven't found a subject that he knows nothing about. I keep trying. And he's not a bullshitter. I had a lovely time.

Unfortunately, I paid for those 4 cups of coffee. I was wide awake until about 3 this morning. I forgot to switch off furry alarm clock. The Cat went off at 6, 7 and 9 o'clock. I eventually crawled out of bed, Facebooked and as I was getting ready to head off, Boy creeps out of his bedroom and asks me to wait for him. He wanted to hangout with me in the City. *sigh* Love him as I do, Boy's getting ready routine involves shower, hair wash, hair dry, hair straighten.

Three quarters of an hour later we finally make it into the City. I rush off to meet Woolers for tea and a chat, but bump into the Lovely Ursus. In my diary for this evening was a reminder that the Great Ursus would be performing this evening. I was going to give them a ring to find out where and when. So, bumping into her was happy coincidence. It turns out my diary is a liar.

As part of the 10 year birthday of The Forum, the Great Ursus would be part of a flash mob performance in the Library. Woolers and I have a chat and tea and I tell him about the flash mob, I drag the poor man into The Forum. I laughed and laughed when I caught sight of the Great Ursus, he's not what you'd call inconspicuous at the best of times. And there he is, standing with a copy of Singing for Dummies in his hand!

He and the choir were fantastic. Though, how people couldn't have been aware that something was going on...there were cameras everywhere and the BBC lurking. I'm going to see if the footage makes it on-line and will definitely share. It was just brilliant. Such fun. After, we went for lunch at the brilliant Lebanese restaurant on Gentleman's Walk. The food was brilliant, company excellent.

This is what I just love about living in Norwich. If you feel sociable and you go into the City, I can guarantee that you will bump into someone that you know. There are so many great places to share coffee and cake. Or if you'd rather keep to yourself, that's possible too. I'm just loving the new places I'm encountering thanks to the D-Man. He's very knowledgeable about the local music scene and it's not about throwing a lot of money on an evening out. But it's about great music and a fabulous time.

Adventures in Dating...or how not to:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to share the story of Last Night with you. But first the backstory:

As you know, I tend to hang out at 103. It's a lovely eaterie within staggering distance from my house. It's a place where I can indulge in great food, with or without company. It's the sadly rare place where a single person can eat, or drink coffee and not feel like Billy No-Mate or Desperate Woman on the Pull (I am determinedly neither). During the summer, I fell into conversation with a gentleman who was witty and not-so-long divorced. We'd bump into each other there every so often. He appeared good company and I encouraged him to join the Unthank Supper Club. I was in London and so unable to go to September's do. At the October do, I was pleased to see him there. My adventures in London and with Northern Bloke meant that I've not been frequenting 103 as regularly. I gave him my mobile number and said, text me when you're having coffee and I'll join you.

Now, I abide to certain rules regarding the newly-divorced male. I am friendly, but I leave all romantic inclinations to one side. Generally speaking there's usually a pattern with them that I prefer to steer well clear of: they're either very wounded and need someone to pick up their pieces (and laundry) or they're angry and bitter and want to pick a fight. Having been through both those states myself, I figure if you're newly-divorced and living in a new city, you need a friend far more than a lover.

Yesterday, I got a text from said gentleman asking if I'd join him for dinner. I said yes. Never pass up on the opportunity for great food is my motto. I'm shallow like that. So, I rock up. The evening began well. He'd already had half a caraf of wine and ordered me a glass of Merlot. There was casual banter and I was enjoying myself. He was quite tactile, which surprised me. And I began to look at him more closely. The view was most illuminating as he drank more wine.

We were sat at the bench, in front of the windows of the deli, so we had a great view of passers by. He then began commenting on the women passing by. We both agreed that some women can't park a car for toffee, and frankly some just shouldn't be driving if their spatial awareness is so poor. But that's my bitch.

His bitch was perhaps a little more...bitchy and unkind, shall we say. He expressed very negative views on curvy women and his language was not so much bitchy, as offensive. I kept my peace. Until, a teenaged girl stood waiting for her friend. She looked very much like one of Boy's good friends (she wasn't, but very similar). And he started to drool. Don't get me wrong, I have tended to go out with older men. However, there's something really not right about a man in his late forties drooling over a woman not quite into her 20s. And there's something exceptionally not right about a man doing so, in the company of a woman, whose hair he's been trying to stroke.

I called him on it. He just shrugged and said 'it'd be different if we were an item.'

Actually, no. It wouldn't be different. In my mind, it's bad manners. But perhaps that's just me? In fact, I'm okay about it. No, I don't want my dinner companion drooling over other women in my company, because it implies I'm an 'also-ran', I am the boobie prize; even if we're just mates meeting up.


And then I got the low-down of his marriage. It didn't paint an altogether flattering picture of him. Especially, as he missed his wife's housekeeping skills. He then started to talk about his chat-up strategy in the meat market scenario. He's the sort who sits on the sidelines, watching the pretty girls waiting for them to come talk to him. Because, obviously they are telepathic and know he's interested because he's looking at them. He doesn't do any work in the scenario. And then gets bitchy when they go off with someone else. I told him I wasn't doing NLP on him for free.

I think I'd had enough when he started going on about fat guys. I said, 'I like my guys with a bit of meat on them' and swanned off for a smoke (yes, lecture later). We parted company upon my return. He didn't offer to even buy me a drink.

Boy was suitably unimpressed when I gave him the full low-down. He rightly asked 'why did you go?' Good question. I went because I am curious. I wouldn't have known, had I stayed home. I had a lovely meal, and now I know. I'm not particularly disappointed, I am slightly miffed at my loss of 2 and a half hours of my life. But that's okay. I do know that I am beginning to recognise how sexy kindness is. Had I stayed home, I'd have missed that lesson. Heck. You don't know, if you don't try. And I'm prepared to kiss a few frogs.

The Window Coffee Room

Ladies and Gentlemen, I just have to share. Thanks to the D-Man, I've been introduced to The Window. Apparently, it is the smallest coffee house in the world. I believe that. Supported by The Prince's Trust, it's on Wensum St and it really is tiny.



As you know, I require one good cup of coffee in the morning to get me going. I can drink all the instant shit in the world after that (and heaven help me I do), but if I don't have that good cup of coffee...bad things happen. I'm fussy about my coffee. At work, they're ever so patient with me when they make me coffee. Work get in mahusive tubs of Gold Blend (you Nescafe abstainers, don't start abusing me), I have two spoons of that, two lumps of brown sugar and two spoonfuls of Coffeemate. I like my coffee robust (like my men...if I had any).


Yesterday, I ran out of my usual Taylor & Harrogate's Lava Java and had to start on my emergency stash of Italian Blend. Ugh. It was enough to get me clean and dressed and out of the house before mid-day.


What can I say? I'm so glad I did. Hayley remembered me from my previous visit from about a month ago and welcomed me like a regular. Because it's so tiny, it's not so much a coffee house, but more like someone's front room. The patrons chat to each other and it doesn't matter if you're a regular or have just wondered in off the street, you're welcomed and included in the conversation.


I explained what I was after and Hayley made my first cup, the House Blend. It was gorgeous. Robust and flavourful, mmmm.... But I fell in love with the second blend, The Mexican. Now you start talking about layer upon layer of flavour and body. Hayley ground me a bagfull and then let me smell.


Oh man, talk about fabulous. I think I shocked the other patrons when I said, it smelt good enough to do lines of it off a mirror.


This morning, I nearly leapt out of bed to make my coffee. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an orgasm in a mug. Rich, layered flavours with a dark chocolate after taste. It's true, I'm in love.

Strong Arm Tactics

That's what I did when I did my NLP training in May. I think it was on Day 3, I rang Boy, all bubbly and enthusiastic and told him I was signing him up for the Practitioner's course in October. His response was: yes mum. As it was when I came back and was all excited. Yes mum.

So, we did the Get the Life You Want weekend with Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna, and he suddenly got enthusiastic. He began to see what I was going on and on and on about. His potential began to occur to him. That weekend was great. He met the main trainers, he saw Richard on stage and had an idea what was going to happen.

He stayed with my cousin for 5 nights, but she was having guests, so I booked him into the hotel where the training was going on. When things went tits up with Northern Bloke and my plans for the weekend changed, Boy reiterated how much he wanted to see me.

I changed the room from double to twin and got my butt down to London Saturday lunchtime. It was amazing walking back into the conference hall. There were lots of familiar faces, the trainers and people I'd done the Practitioner's course with were doing their Masters. It was like coming home. And there was Boy in the middle of it. He really made it his own.

The organisers let me hang around. And even better, they let me sit in on the last session, so I could see him get his certificate. It's late and I'm tired and need to get into the bath and bed, so I won't stay too long. But he was so moved, there were tears. We held on to each other and I told him how proud I am of him. He went down there by himself, stayed with people he didn't know very well, he was open to this new head magic shit and he participated. He was up for it!

I am so excited to see where this takes him. The fact that now he realises he has choices. And the first one starts with: how much fun can he have every day.

Inspiration

The world mourns the loss of Steve Jobs. Everyone crawls out of the woodwork to say how marvellous, what a visionary he was, how much the world will miss him.

I type this on my Dell laptop, but my iPhone is plugged in charging as I write. My iPod Touch is downstairs ready to belt out the tunes I love. The first proper computer in our house was an Apple 2e, Pops brought himself into the digital age on that, while I wasted time playing games on it. I was 14 years old.

A few weeks ago, I fell across Steve Job's 2005 Stanford address. I'm blaming Rog for this. I was moved and unbelievably inspired by his humanity, his humour and his wisdom (Steve Job's, not Rog's). The three anecdotes were exactly what I needed to hear at the right time. The Universe really does have amazing timing. His address reminded me, I'm not always right, I make bad decisions and that's okay. Reinforced that Life is too fucking short to waste time. It inspired me to continue following my Path.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the doom-mongers, the pessimists, the 'isn't Life shite' brigade. Yes, Life is tough, but I believe we've got a choice: to moan or to rise to the challenge. To remain the same or to embrace change. To wait for someone to make things better, or to find and implement ways to help ourselves and each other.

I am inspired by the story of Steve Job's life and achievements; and for me, that is a greater legacy than all his money and business achievements. Because ultimately, he is now the richest man in the cemetary and his family and close friends mourn his loss. And I feel for them and for us. They lost a husband, a father, a lover. We lost a shining light.

It's All About the Attitude

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me share this pearl of wisdom with you: I have an attitude problem. I have been told that from an early age. It used to make me think I should curb my tongue and try to play nice. Last year, after my dad died, the Editor in My Head took a long vacation. While she was away it got me thinking that actually, my attitude problem stems from my view of Reality and my upfront communication style. You see, I lack the social graces which enable other people to eat dog shit and say 'mmm...yummy'. I would be the child in the crowd going 'why is the Emperor naked'.

My attitude problem cut short a promising career in local government, where there are a lot of naked people, doing stuff because that's the way they've always done it, and they need to been seen to be doing shit, rather than actually doing shit.

It's not that I lack compassion. I understand that Life is hard. It's nasty, brutish and fucking short. Actually, it's probably because that's my understanding of Life, that I take the view: you don't like something, do something about it. And if the doing something is hard, then take one step at time. Try, don't whinge. In this, people may argue I also do a lot of whinging. Damn straight. I'm a champion whinger. But, I'm also a champion trier. I take my stubborness, my attitude problem, and I get up in the morning and try to find a different way.

That's why NLP has been so awesome for me. It was co-created by Richard Bandler who is the epitomy of Attitude. He is obnoxious, profane, stubborn and committed. He is my role model. He accepts nothing, he questions everything. He is also one of the most compassionate people I've ever met. I've seen him take people in the midst of meltdown, get them to stop and do something different and be the better and happier for it. He would not win a popularity competition and he's alright about it too.

Life is not about being liked. It's about living to your values.

Last weekend, I bumped into one of my cohort from May. He said to me that the NLP course had cost him long-standing friendships. After 25 years of listening to the same whinges, he couldn't do it anymore. After all, friendships are ultimately about shared experience and values. When your values have shifted to problem solving and Living the Dream, spending time with someone who goes over the same old shit, becomes tedious and boring.

I'm not great with conflict. I don't like it. It de-stabilises me internally. I'd rather run away. However, NLP has taught me that conflict is an opportunity to clear the air. It shows that something within the relationship isn't working and with courage can be sorted out. It requires, however two things: a clear vision of my values and the ability to take personal responsibility for my behaviour.

I am not always in the right. I defend my right to make mistakes, to fuck things up royally, to get things wrong. That's how I learn. I'm pretty sure that's how other people learn too. One of the things I love doing is learning. It's one of my core values. It gets me out of bed in the morning all excited and enthused. And I'm not fussy about what I learn: ground source heat pumps, fragrance, economic development, creative writing, finance. It's all fodder to me.

Relationships are endlessly fascinating to me: what makes people get up in the morning, how and who they love, how they solve their problems. I particularly like awkward, stubborn people; in fact the more awkward and stubborn the better. I like character. Some relationships are for Life, some relationships are just in The Moment. Usually, it's how people deal with and resolve conflict that determines this.

There's a little storm brewing in blogland. Someone feels they have a grievance against me. Instead of picking up the phone and saying 'Roses, you've been a bit of a bitch.' They've chosen to take the passive-aggressive route and their recent blogging has been filled with hints, innuendo and a whole heap of Woe is Me. That their behaviour has been the root of their current problems, seems to currently have slipped under the radar completely.

Whatever.

Me? I have other things to do with my time. This is as much space as I am prepared to devote to the issue. I needed to have a vent. And this has been it. If said person wants to step up and do something different, then great, I'm here. If they choose to continue to whinge and whine and pick over the corpse, that's fine too. I'm cool either way.

Finis.

Get the Life You Want!

So said the e-mail and ad, with a picture of Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna in big bold colour. I had just finished my NLP Practitioner's Certificate and signed Boy up for it for the middle of October. Now, this is where you Ladies and Gentlemen have to give Boy a big-up. He gets this call from me, ranting how fantastic NLP is, how it's going to change my life and that I've signed him up for the week's course in London 6 months later. He sighed, said 'yes' in all the right places and considered getting me Sectioned. I get home, do more fast talking, arm waving and general enthusiasm. He sighs some more and humours me. Then I saw this e-mail. I make a phone call, get out my trusty credit card.

In the meantime, Life happens and then, suddenly, six months have passed and we're off to Wembley Stadium for the weekend that promises to enable us to Get the Life we Want. I won't bore you with the travel details, but I do reserve the right to rant about the hotel. It was the cheapest, closest hotel I could find to Wembley Stadium. Now the thing is, my knowledge of British geography is crap, added to the total lack of distance comprehension and you'll understand my slight surprise at the time it took to get from London Liverpool Street to Harrow, where the hotel was. If I say the hotel was a dump, I'm actually being very positive. It's the kind of hotel you start with the '1950's called, they want their decor back' or as Boy announced after he risked the shower 'the Prison Service rang, they want the plumbing back'. Me? I'm just not that adventurous. The shower had a sign: please rinse shower mat before use. It was black on beige. And as Boy pointed out the Blue Algae shower gel had brown-furry mould growing out the top of the spout. I reminded him this was a daring adventure; he looked at me and said he wanted rescuing.

We got to the stadium early and were processed very quickly. And then the fun began. So many people to hug: fellow students and the training assistants who made the Prac training so great. I found coffee, we got food and waited as the venue filled up. And then Paul McKenna strutted down the middle of the audience. And then I watched Boy change before my eyes. He finally got what I've been banging on about for the last 6 months. And he loved it as much as me.

He's always a bit shy around adults he doesn't know. When he does talk, he is articulate and confident, but he seldom initiates conversation. Yesterday, in front of 1,300 people, he put his hand up, got Paul McKenna's attention and told everyone that his goal is to make a documentary about body modification in far-flung tribes. This goal, he formulated over the weekend and hadn't told me about. He's now absolutely bursting with motivation and delight. In a message to me today, he said college wasn't coping terribly well with his new attitude.

As for me? Well, I feel fantastic. It feels like everything percolating has slotted into place ready for my next move. My next move? Well, funny you should ask; it's all about World Domination.

Who Loves Me Baby?

This was waiting for me when I got home this evening.

Come along, 'fess up. Who was it?

It made me laugh and laugh. It filled me with light.Thank you so much.

Update: A late night phone call solved this mystery. Northern Bloke gave it to me! He ordered it from the US about 3 weeks ago. I think I might just have to keep him.

Goodbye to 64, York St

Gee and her family moved out of their house on Thursday. It's not my house, not my home. But it's a place where I could call home. It was where I was always welcome. Where I could walk in, put the kettle on, make coffee, sit for a while to put the world to rights. Wednesday night, I rocked up for the last time to 64 York Street. I was knackered, work was very busy I hadn't stopped all day. But I wasn't going to not say goodbye to that house, the place which was also my refuge.

I first met Gee's eldest daughter, H in 1995. That was my first step on the spiritual path I currently walk upon. It's funny, but it's only really in hindsight, that the elegant weaving of coincidence, decision and event, can be seen as a solid, shining path. But it wasn't really until 1998 that our acquaintance changed to friendship. In the meantime, I'd become divorced, finished one relationship and got engaged to someone else. We bumped into each other at the Mind, Body and Spirit Festival and from that chance meeting, I picked up my training again. The training which led to my wearing the simple silver new moon that I only remove for medical reasons.

I began my training in 64 York Street.

It was through H's art project I really got to know her mum Gee and the rest of her family. Her fabulous sister Alix, her younger brothers (so long ago now, I was taller than them) and JD. The art project inadvertently caused the demise of the engagement; it was on it's way out anyway. It remains one of the most painful times in my Life, but one, I would never ever regret or hesitate to repeat. Had I got married to that man, it would have been a disaster.

It was through Gee, H and the whole family that I truly understood what friendship, loyalty, trust were all about and 64 York Street stood witness to it all.

I have a montage of memories:

Dancing in the front room on Christmas Day to Who Let the Dogs Out. H in her barely-there ball gown, Alix, the boys, Gee and me, all dancing around the coffee table.

Imbolc: The first time I got absolutely trashed. The Lovely Ursus coming to a sharp stop at the bottom of the stairs. Being escorted to a friend's house by JD, when my friend took me home he offered me a smint to counteract the garlic from the outstanding aioli I'd eaten, not to mention the smoking. I declined. I told him 'I've had enough drugs.'

Being invited to 'call round' on my 29th birthday. You've never lived until you've had the Happy Birthday Song performed in a capella. Trust me on this. I still have the gorgeous wrap. It travels the world with me.

Making god's eyes with Gee as I processed the loss of my beloved ex-MIL.

Making insence with Gee and discovering that many of the ingredients of kyphie are aphrodisiacs. I did believe in the concept of aphrodisacs; desire can't be triggered by chemicals. Hah. I knew it was time to beat a hasty retreat when I was grinding cardamom seeds in a mortar and pestle, Gee's husband JD, came in the room and I found myself looking at him and going 'phwoar'. Gee laughed and laughed when I told why I'd run away that afternoon.

The first chant.

Meeting and loving the members of the Norwich Chant Collective over the years.

Being pulled up by the short and curlies by Gee for my very inappropriate behaviour. Let me tell you, a dressing down by Gee is a painful and lasting experience. I bless the day she risked our friendship to tell me like it is. The most important lesson I learnt from that was a friend is definied by the willingness to risk everything to tell the truth, especially because it's the last thing that wants to be told.

My priestess training happened at 64 York Street. The same time I was processesing my mother's death. I remember having a coffee with Gee just after I returned from Trinidad, after her death, to say that I was so raw, it was as if a protective layer had been stripped away from me and for the first time I saw what Life was all about. It was the first time I truly understood I was mortal. It was the first time I truly understood time was precious. I began to make better choices from those conversations. Sitting in the back room, drinking coffee.

So many memories. I can't tell you how many times I cried in that house. I can tell you I laughed so much more than that there.

Ever since I've known the family, Gee has been wanting to move out; now she has. And it's the end of an era. For the only thing constant in Life is Change.

This is Your Wake-Up Call, Roses

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems there is a theme for September and it is: Get thy Arse into Gear. Long-term readers know of my previous difficulties with my Bank Manager. Uncaring bastard does not appreciate I need to fund my lavish life-style of sparkly things, fine fragrance, coffee and fine dining. Neither does he recognise my wish to play my part in rescuing the British Retail Industry, which of course, I do from an entirely selfish and caring stand point. I know, I know, always thinking of others over myself and my needs.

This morning, he wouldn't let me use my plastic. Now, until the banks open tomorrow, I won't know why. It might be that it's just a glitch as my account changes from one form to another, or it could be that I've just simply spent too much (cause I do that).

Whatever the cause, it didn't change that lovely oh fuck feeling that swept over me.

I squeaked at Gee and we arranged I could go and whinge at her, drink coffee and smoke half a hundred-weight of tobacco. Because she was being a good friend, I washed and put on clean clothes. I know, I know, I'm such a good friend. But I think if you're going to whinge at someone for self-generated problems, being well presented is only polite.

But as I was throwing laundry in the washing machine, as the bath was running a thought occurred to me. I have a choice here. I can't change the fact my card went NO! but I can change my reaction to the circumstances. I can change my state. So, I did. Beating myself up would be counter-productive and frankly, not very truthful of me. I have loved spending every last penny, the last couple of years. I love my house, the clothes, the sparkly bits and my shiny car. Please don't think I'm living in splendour...I'm not. But for a long, long time I haven't had to think about buying a £30.00 pair of jeans or a £6.00 bunch of sparkly bracelets. I could over-react and run around like a headless-chicken. But I'm not going to.

I am going to continue doing what I'm doing. I'm going to set up my NLP practice, write some courses, tout around for business. This is all about generating a further income for myself. This is about me doing stuff for me.

And yes, I am cutting down on my spending. I'm well versed in living hand to mouth. Lord knows I've had enough practise at it. The thing is, I've needed the last couple of years to focus on me and getting myself sorted. I've come through this period, a helluva lot stronger and more together than I was when I went into it. I have learnt so much about Life, me and my relationships with other people.

The money thing, is not really about lack of money, it's about focusing on my Bliss and putting it out there. It's about bringing everything into alignment: my values and my skills and how I live. It's about not using money as an excuse not to engage with everyday things. It's about not Procrastinating.

I am really excited. It's all about rising to the Challenge. What can I do for myself? Not only that, what can I do to make it Fun? I don't want to adopt the air of a martyr - oh woe is me, I'm broke. Although, my safety-net enabled me to get my head sorted, it also divorced me from my Get Up and Go. I got to sit, stare at my navel and make cups of tea for the Self-Pity Gnome. Yeah, I needed to do that shit then. No, I don't need to do that shit anymore.

Yeah, I'm scared. But you know what? Fear and excitement are right next to each other and they mean I'm doing something different, something a bit risky. And fuck it. I'm going to do it anyway.