Slamming the Door

The weeks since the end of October have been "interesting" as the fear and grief of the past year took their toll. It wasn't quite depression, but there were a couple of days when I was definitely skating around it. 

I didn't think it would be like this. I thought I should be filled with energy and enthusiasm and able to crack on with my life with vim, vigour and a renewed sense of optimism. It's not been like that at all. I've had days where doing the immediately necessary was my only priority. I did tomorrow, that which did not incur charges today. All the while struggling with this enormous sense of frustration at myself. 

My To Do List darlings, is ginormous. I have Things to do, people to See and a sense of a ticking clock. I've been drifting along; although I am deeply grateful to be here - at this point in my Life - I'm also aware that drifting isn't enough. I know I can drift, endure, survive etc etc but enough is enough. It's time to Live, to lace up my walking boots, grab my stick and map and journey. Journey as a verb, a doing word. Not a thing that is static and fixed. Life will happen anyway: taxes will need to be paid, my butt will continue to expand, there will be more wrinkles and grey hairs this time next year.  

I've used the time to create a Plan for World Domination. Of course a new Plan requires a new book, and thusly one was purchased. I considered my time frame and did some day dreaming. In the end I came up with a 10 year Plan (I thought I'd give myself some leeway to get side-tracked), wrote it down in detail and frowned at it for a few hours. 

There really wasn't anything quite as dispiriting as looking at my dreams all laid out in blue and white in sensible lines and bullet points. I took myself to the emporium of dreams, otherwise known as The Range (a down-market department chain store). It has an amazing art and craft section. I spent...well, let's not go into too much detail about that shall we...time...looking at all their goods and brought home many, many unsensible, irrational and delicious things to put the fun into my future. I channelled my inner six year old, scrawling all over my Plans with gold and silver pens. Highlighting and emphasising points with pretty stickers. It made me happy.

I've since broken my Plan into six week chunks with a list of things I would like to accomplish, the first of which I'm now half-way through. The first week was brilliant. I was focused and productive and feeling very pleased with myself. And then...I got sick. I got hit with a chesty cold that laid me out with a single punch and has been giving me a good kicking since. I am shifting it slowly, I am happy to say, it's now a question of getting rid of the dregs.

Unfortunately, it hit the week of Yule when my festive To Do List was a mile long. I had to postpone, re-book, cancel, rearrange the whole week. I don't know what I would have done without Rowan and Dave who did shopping and downscaled our plans with understanding and without complaints (and by the way, I'm not entirely sure I'm going to ever get past the ridiculous irony of saying to someone who endured six months of chemotherapy: I feel really awful; I'm sick; I can't today, today.)

As far as my Plans for World Domination getting off to a phlegmic start, I knew full well that the festive season would throw things out anyway. The idea was to start, that was the purpose of the exercise.  

I lived up to my promise to Dave. You may remember I have a deep loathing of turkey and I promised Dave that if he was still here we would celebrate with turkey for the festive season. He cooked me turkey for Boxing Day and I ate every scrap with deep prayers of gratitude. In actual fact, it was no great hardship. He performs magic with demonic poultry and made it not only edible, but delicious. Darlings, I did draw the line at cold turkey sandwich. That was a step too far. A woman has to have some standards.

I reiterate the Winter Solstice blessing I posted on FB: 

May the returning sun bring with it compassion, kindness, decency and a wish for greater tolerance and understanding between all peoples.

I hope that we all work hard to build bridges in 2017.

Love and peace to you all.

Progress Report

You'll remember I was whinging at my lack of organisation a couple of posts (weeks) ago? Well, I sat down and worked out a bit of a timetable for the blank days and then Easter happened. Last week, I was just about chewing the carpet in frustration of not being able to get on, but I had other things/people to prioritise. This week I began.

Monday got off to a very slow start, but there was a start. Yesterday, I hit the ground running and despite being led slightly astray by social media, I kept on target. The organisation certainly worked yesterday and it seems to be working today. If I can keep it up I'll be able to sit down and start writing next week.

I've been using my time to do all the ground work I should have done before I sat down in front of my laptop in February. But that's okay. I don't look at it as wasted time. The time I've spent nurturing my creativity, working on the foundations of this project has got me to this point. The next few days are going to be crucial, I've got a story arc to plot up and the challenge there will be to ensure that I've got all the conflicts covered. There probably will be swearing. I apologise in advance.

My time at the gym is beginning to pay off. Yesterday, for the first time in about 10 months, I was able to deadlift! How happy does that make me feel? I hear you ask. Ecstatic.

Dave gives me the look when I talk about deadlifting, I'm going to assume you are too. Let me explain. As a weedy and fairly wimpy woman, the act of walking up to a weightlifting bar is incredibly intimidating. Deadlifting is a move for buff, muscle-bound weightlifters who need a stick to wipe their bum...wrong!

Deadlifts are a compound exercise that works the quads, glutes, spinal erectors, abs, traps and upper lats. It's a deceptively move, you pick up the heavy thing and you put it down again for  5 sets of 8 - 12 reps. Simples. Hah! Form is everything. Get your form wrong, you will hurt yourself. Every lift you have to concentrate: keep your chin and chest up, push from your heels, focus on your breathing, keep the move smooth and seamless. It's all about control.

I still can't quite figure out what it is about this move that gives me The Freakin' Awesome. It doesn't matter what I lift. Yesterday, I started with just the bar which is 20 kg and then went on to lift 30 kg. I suspect it's the fact that I am facing my fear - I am a weedy, wimpy woman - and beating it into the fucking ground. How can I possibly think I am that, when I can pick up that bar loaded? Deadlifting challenges all the assumptions I have about my limitations. I have to stand taller, I have to support myself better when I deadlift because I know I'll hurt myself if I don't. Today, I have to be upright because I ache if I don't

Today, I can name the muscles that worked. I am practically bouncing off the ceiling with energy. I was up before the alarm, got a load of laundry on, got the dishwasher empty. I've got a lot of work to do today and I'm charging through it. I won't go to the gym today, I know if I am to keep on building my strength, recovery is just as important as the sessions at the gym.

With the programme I'm on, I have to be realistic about my weight. I have maintained my weight just under 9 stone for over six months, with the usual monthly hormonal fluctuations. I'm losing inches everywhere and that confirms I am losing the body fat and building more muscle. I am going to get to the point where the scale will not be my friend, but hopefully, I will be the same size I am now. I will then laugh at my BMI. I am trying to eat more meals and more regularly, just smaller portions with a greater emphasis on fruit and vegetables. I thought about going back to the 5:2, but my weight is happily in the "normal" part of the graph. Yes, I could try to lose weight but my concern is that I will lose the muscle with it and I want a strong body, not a thin body.

Last year, I was asked a very good question that I couldn't answer: how do I get the motivation to start and keep doing the exercises? At the time, I was going to the gym and running regularly; I hadn't hurt my back or wrists or had the three weeks off and then the horrible months of my existential crisis. Now, I know how to answer that question. 

You can't wait for motivation or inspiration to start anything. You just have to go for it. Motivation and inspiration are like the wall flowers in at a village dance, you have to hit the dancefloor first and start busting some moves. Once you start dancing, they'll join you and then you can all get down and groove.

And yes, I am grooving people. Next week: running! Oh yeah baby.

Over Sharing and Cheerleading

Tonight's Activities

I sit here, hot and sweaty from my workout. I've just done a Davina McCall 30 minute Cardio Box in my new workout gear and rather fun new shoes. I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting back to the point before I had the time off for the move and everything. This is a very happy feeling indeed.

The exercising I believe has made a huge difference to my energy levels. I'm doing stuff now as soon as I think about them and without having to psyche myself up for the task. I'm now looking at all the things I'd like to do exercise-wise in the coming weeks and what I'd like for myself long-term. 

It's a small change in my lifestyle that has had a huge impact. I think it's because striving for fitness and seeing the small gains I've made has made me realise that I can achieve other things too. It's a generalisation - a term from NLP that describes a pattern of learning. Once you've learnt to open one kind of door, you've got a pretty good idea how to open others and it then becomes the task to seeing how each door is different from the original. Also, exercising is tough and requires determination and motivation. Doing this has reminded me about physical and emotional resilience.

How often when confronted with a situation have I said "oh, but this is hard." 

Yeah, it has been hard. But you know what? So what. I'd rather be sweating through the difficult stuff (and yes, moaning about it) and do it, than sit on my butt doing nothing (and moaning about it even more). It's not that it gets any easier, I'm just able to do a little bit more each time. And that little bit more has felt like a huge triumph over my own laziness, fear and negativity.

The best part about this process is the support I've been given from the people around me. Dave has been an absolute star. He's never laughed when I said I wanted to do something, in fact, he's worked to find a way I can do it, even if it's meant adjusting my expectations. I've made some new friends and strengthened old friendships, both IRL and online. And it has made such a difference to me. The cheerleading totally over-rides the little internal voice being all sarky and disparaging about my very small triumphs. I see other people's accomplishments and I celebrate with them, even if I'm not even a fifth of their level.

I've seen people around me who've started, made real progress and stopped. They've run out of motivation, real life has got in the way, they just can't be arsed. They talk the good talk: they'll get back to it tomorrow, or next week or next month. They'll cut down the booze, give up the fags, stop eating crisps and cake - but not today.

It took me about a year to stop smoking. I started and stopped several times. But I didn't give up. December will be a year I will be nicotine free. This time next year, I don't want to be looking at my cool new shoes, still pristine, thinking 'next week'. I don't want that to be me. I may not ever have a body like Davina, but I will be fitter than I was 6 months ago and fitter than I was 6 weeks ago and I won't stop trying.

So, thank you Ladies and Gentlemen for keeping me company, cheering me on and taking the piss. I've really appreciated it. 

Roses
xxx

To Do List for June 2013

My monthly To Do List for June 2013 only has 3 items on it:

1. Decorate Flat

2. Pack up and Move 

3. Write for a Living.

I will have to wade through 6 pages of tasks in order to complete these items. To say I'm a touch stressed by the whole thing, is like saying Elvis kind of liked fried food. Put it this way, I bypassed the Pink Fluffy Dressing Gown completely today. 

Normally it's not a good thing to make such a massive list of tasks, it's too easy to get discouraged by the enormity of it. However, I've got so much to do and the timing is quite crucial, I was worried I would forget something important. 

The good thing about breaking down all the tasks is I've been able to score some easy wins today. I am having a massive clear out. Today, I did books and CDs.

There's another shelf under this

And this is the other pile

Once all those were collected and piled up, I turned on my CD collection. I then went through  all the CDs, got rid of duplicates and the ones that were copied for my car several times. I've got two small boxes of music now looking for a new home.

One of the things that struck me as I was sorting through my books was how many of them I purchased because I thought I ought to read them. Books that would supposedly enlighten and expand my knowledge and experience. You know, literature books. I bought them and they've sat on my shelves taking up space since then. Looking through them I wondered who I was trying to impress by keeping them. Out of preference I read genre fiction, my life has had quite enough drama as it is, without including it in my entertainment. When I relax I want a good time with a happy ending. As I was sorting through it I became determined to only keep the books I wanted with me. The ones whose company I genuinely enjoyed, those I would read again. Hence, I probably got rid of about 2 bookshelf-worth. 

When it came to the CDs, same again. I sorted through the endless the compilations I'd bought because I was only after a couple of tracks. I'm now multitasking as I write this post. I've got a pile of CDs next to me and I'm systematically copying them on to my laptop. I know I will have to go through my digital library again. There are sure to be duplicates, but that's fine. I should have done this a long time ago.

I've also had a long think about many of my possessions: knick knacks, random stones, odds and ends and I've decided that if it's been in a box (i.e. in the loft) or I haven't interacted with it (i.e. looked at, picked it up or enjoyed it) it will be moving on. I'm not a sentimental person and frankly, dragging stuff around with me, on the off chance I might one day use it, when I haven't used it for years - it makes no sense.

I also dug out the kitchen, did a massive pile of dishes, cleaned up and did a couple of loads of laundry. So, all in all a very productive day. Tomorrow, I will do more work on the flat. I'm lucky in that my friend Juju has offered to help. She's good company and it'll be a good excuse to indulge in a cheeky cider afterwards.