Removing the filters

...of my insecurities and body issues, I see the Shiny Gym and its users in a new light. When I first went, all I saw was the fit young men and women in glowing health, lifting weights, on the machines barely breaking a sweat. I wore my fitness gear uncomfortably: black lycra bottoms and my long sleeved running tops, covered up by a sweater. I did not feel worthy in this Temple of Fitness, Health and Beauty. 

I've only been going a month. I went shopping for new fitness gear: loud, bright and I've been showing off my arms. I still have my sweater for when I start, they believe in air-conditioning and it's a bit chilly until I get going. 

The people at the desk and the other trainers greet me and we have small chats about the weather and my rather colourful leggings. What can I say? They were relatively inexpensive, comfortable and they make me feel great. 

The other users? Well, they aren't looking at me, but I am looking at them, mostly in wonder. 

There's the guy who looks like he fell off the Grateful Dead Tour Bus, stubbed out his toke and threw on some shorts. There's the woman who should be an exotic dancer: she's drop dead gorgeous, long straight hair, dancer's physique and a smile to melt the ice in anyone's Pimms. There's the identikit gay couple flirting and showing off to each other as they lift small mountains balancing on medicine balls. There's the woman who can't walk, but still goes large on the leg press; the man for whom walking is a challenge and kicks butt on the rowing machines. There's the two nearly-retired women, really good friends who chat about their pensions, children, husbands and work throughout their session and into their clean-up time. They smile and laugh as they sweat and pull tired and insecure women into their conversations. There's the granny who came in her cardigan and loafers to walk a few miles on the treadmill. The 50-something woman who carried out a conversation with the sweaty guy on an exercise bike next to her while she pounded the arse out of a treadmill for half an hour. 

When I started I didn't think there was a place for me. I have been physically lazy for most of my life and it shows in my posture, my aches and pains, and the flabbiness and weakness of my muscles. Now, when I finish my workout, I want to high five everyone there. I suspect it won't be long before I start thumping my chest on deadlift days. I'm now wondering whether in a few weeks time, I could include some yoga or Pilates classes to get some flexibility into my regime. 

As awesome as it is right now, there's so much more I want to do. I want to run again. I want to be fit enough to run/bike/walk to the gym, do my workout and get home again without needing to ring someone to pick me up. I want to go on bike rides around the countryside with Dave. I'm hoping that I've got the next 45 years to make up for the sloth of the last 45 years. 

Transitional Issues

That's pretty much how I sum up the last couple of months. I had great plans for my productivity at the beginning of February and they have pretty much come to naught. I did not anticipate the level of fatigue I experienced, nor did I fully appreciate the impact of a lack of time table.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't spent all my time in front of the TV or Kindle, though there have been a few days when that has been the case. I've mostly been busy. It's hard not to be busy out here. There's wood and coal to be hauled, meals to be prepared, food to be purchased, laundry to be washed and of course, the general tidying and cleaning up. Oh yes, I've also been completing the first part of my training. 

I realised from the 4,000 or so words I'd initially written that there was a lot I had to re-learn. I'd lost touch with my creativity. To rectify this I went out and bought a plethora of artist's materials: paints, brushes, paper etc. and Dave, bless his generous heart, added to my collection as well. I've been painting and colouring and this week, I've even started writing poetry again.

For me writing poetry is a discipline. Every word has to justify its existence and work hard to propel the poem forward. This feeds into my writing. Why say in one page, what can be said in a paragraph? No, I'm not writing literary fiction. I'm writing genre and that requires the story move at a sharp clip, with pithy descriptions and a canny use of space to give the reader the specific experience they are looking for. I am blessed in that my friend, awesome poet and poetry tutor Julia Webb, is helping me get back in touch with that long-dormant part of myself.

Speaking of long-dormant parts of myself, did I mention I've joined a Shiny Gym? After an unsuccessful attempt at trying to find a functional-focused gym, I gave into the inevitable and joined the local Shiny Gym. My path back into fitness is not a happy one, it has to be said. 

Physically, I've lost a lot of ground, which is bad enough. Unfortunately, my wrists are still weak and an ill-executed attempt at a push-up buggered my right wrist. Not to mention that the inactivity has caused my knee and lower back to start playing up. Mentally, it's even more of a struggle. It's a Shiny Gym. The patrons are Shiny, fit and thin. I joined and couldn't face going for a couple of weeks. In the end, I booked some PT sessions, just so I could have someone hold my hand to get me going again. By the way, this isn't to do with their judging me, this is about what I imagine them to be thinking about me. I am working hard to remind myself that I have to start from where I am, not from where I would prefer to be. I want to push it. But right now, actually getting to the gym is pushing it for me. 

It seems that the traditional method of goal setting (keep goal in the forefront of your mind, set milestones and targets) just doesn't work for me. Rather, I am focusing on where I want to be eventually and doing today what I can to get me there. My Life is now pointing in the direction I want to go, it's time to do the work. If I think about it in terms of building a house, rather than a journey, I've built the foundations. I know roughly what it will look like in the end, now I'm focusing on getting the framework built. Being fitter and more creative is part of this framework. It's important for me to be more physically robust, there are things I want to do, that I am not able to do right now and being more creative feeds into my writing. 

I suppose I'm a little bit frustrated by my supposed lack of progress. I'm aware I could have pushed myself harder. It's true I would have more words by now. It's also true that the 4,000 words I wrote earlier are probably all going to be binned. I need quality now. Ultimately, I must work within my limits, even if it takes a little bit longer.

Weights and Measures

As you know, since April this year I've been steadily increasing my physical activity. I've wanted to exercise regularly for many years now. I used to start and stop. This has been the longest time I've ever stuck with the programme.

It started because I wanted to be fitter so I could cycle with Dave. I like workout DVDs and so I dusted them off and started from the beginning. Seven months later, I'm still committed to being leaner, stronger and fitter.  

I also started to think about what I ate.

If you do a search on fitness and health, you will come up with a mind-boggling number of websites and resources. All saying they have the answer (the only answer) to good health and fitness. Some of them come with science, some come with "common sense", some with a double dose of snake oil. 

I can't say that with all my research that I'm any better informed. I wish I was. But I'm not. In fact, I'm probably more confused now, than I was when I started. Trust me when I say, that's a good thing - it shows I'm paying attention.

What gets put in your mouth, ends up going round your system and affects how you feel, your energy levels and where it ends up hanging out. Makes sense, doesn't it? If I were a computer programmer, I'd be tempted to say 'garbage in, garbage out.'

So, what constitutes a 'good' diet? Let's crack this can of worms open.

Over the summer I tried the 5:2 diet. Intermittent fasting lead to me losing 6lb. I ate 500 calories twice a week on non-consecutive days. It wasn't particularly hard going until the weather turned cool. I run cold anyway, with the lack of calories in my diet, I couldn't cope with it. I stopped doing it. In the September when I stopped, I was just under 9 stone. 

I've read a lot since then. There's a massive three-way fight going on between fat vs sugar vs carbs, all with fairly compelling arguments. I'm still no wiser.

Fat - it makes you fat. That seems to be the perceived wisdom of most medicine. Cut out the fat, it won't clog your arteries. How's your cholesterol? Bit high? Hello statins. Go low fat.

Except I really, really love fat. Butter, double cream, crackling. Yum yum yum. Bring it on. Low fat stuff, tastes diabolical. It's nasty. And furthermore, none of the food scientists I've met eat margarine. They all have butter.

Sugar - empty calories. Rots your teeth. Makes you fat. Makes things taste good. We have evolved to like sweet things, because sweet things are likely to be calorie rich which is just what a hunter/gatherer needs to survive. I do have a sweet tooth, but not for chocolate or sweeties. 

Sugar hides in plain sight in low-fat foods and other processed foods. Don't believe me? Check out the difference when you're next shopping. 

Carbs - since the Atkins diet caught on early in the naughties, carbs are the enemy. Eating too many carbs causes insulin sensitivity and immense weight-gain. I've seen people on the Atkins lose a helluva lot of weight, though I certainly didn't want to get up close and personal, because their breath smelt like decomposing dog feaces. It turns out that Atkins long-term is a very bad idea for one's health and wellbeing. Nasty side effects include kidney stones and increased incidents of osteoporosis.

There's also the traditional calorie counting. I've given it a go before I did intermittent fasting. I can tell you, it sucks arse.

Firstly, because it's easier to go ready-prepared, because the calories are all laid out. You cook a home made meal, that's you with scales and a calculator. 

Secondly, all calories are not created equal and the healthy option does not always equal low calorie. 

Oh yes, I also looked at the Low GI Diet. The premise of this diet ranks food according to their Glycemic Index. This refers to the scale against which a food is broken down by the body, into glucose. It limits carbs and the way they are cooked. I liked it fairly well, up until I got to the low-fat mantra. And as far as I am concerned, mashed potatoes is Food of the Gods. I don't care what anyone else says.

After all of that, what do I believe is the best diet to go on?

I call it the Balanced Diet. I eat a little of what I fancy, when I fancy it. I am eating a heck of a lot more fruit and veg. I stop eating when I'm full. I've gone from 0-2 portions a day to around about 9 or 10 portions of fruit and veg.

I am also being more mindful of processed foods. I do still have ready prepared foods, but they now make up a much smaller percentage of what I eat. I enjoy cooking and like to know what ingredients are going into my dinner. I figure if I can't pronounce it, I shouldn't be eating it.

Water is now my drink of choice. There are still squashes in the house, and I still have a weakness for Elderflower cordial. But I go days without drinking them.

How do I feel? I feel okay. 

Interestingly, I haven't gained or lost any more weight, I'm still around about 8 stone 12 ounces. But I have dropped a dress size.

My goal is to continue to be mindful about what I eat. I will continue to cut down on sugar and processed foods, but I'm also changing the numbers I focus on. I do still like scales, but my attention is now on how well my clothes fit me. Tomorrow, I'm going to measure up properly. Tomorrow, I'm going to take my training up a level.

Over Sharing and Cheerleading

Tonight's Activities

I sit here, hot and sweaty from my workout. I've just done a Davina McCall 30 minute Cardio Box in my new workout gear and rather fun new shoes. I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting back to the point before I had the time off for the move and everything. This is a very happy feeling indeed.

The exercising I believe has made a huge difference to my energy levels. I'm doing stuff now as soon as I think about them and without having to psyche myself up for the task. I'm now looking at all the things I'd like to do exercise-wise in the coming weeks and what I'd like for myself long-term. 

It's a small change in my lifestyle that has had a huge impact. I think it's because striving for fitness and seeing the small gains I've made has made me realise that I can achieve other things too. It's a generalisation - a term from NLP that describes a pattern of learning. Once you've learnt to open one kind of door, you've got a pretty good idea how to open others and it then becomes the task to seeing how each door is different from the original. Also, exercising is tough and requires determination and motivation. Doing this has reminded me about physical and emotional resilience.

How often when confronted with a situation have I said "oh, but this is hard." 

Yeah, it has been hard. But you know what? So what. I'd rather be sweating through the difficult stuff (and yes, moaning about it) and do it, than sit on my butt doing nothing (and moaning about it even more). It's not that it gets any easier, I'm just able to do a little bit more each time. And that little bit more has felt like a huge triumph over my own laziness, fear and negativity.

The best part about this process is the support I've been given from the people around me. Dave has been an absolute star. He's never laughed when I said I wanted to do something, in fact, he's worked to find a way I can do it, even if it's meant adjusting my expectations. I've made some new friends and strengthened old friendships, both IRL and online. And it has made such a difference to me. The cheerleading totally over-rides the little internal voice being all sarky and disparaging about my very small triumphs. I see other people's accomplishments and I celebrate with them, even if I'm not even a fifth of their level.

I've seen people around me who've started, made real progress and stopped. They've run out of motivation, real life has got in the way, they just can't be arsed. They talk the good talk: they'll get back to it tomorrow, or next week or next month. They'll cut down the booze, give up the fags, stop eating crisps and cake - but not today.

It took me about a year to stop smoking. I started and stopped several times. But I didn't give up. December will be a year I will be nicotine free. This time next year, I don't want to be looking at my cool new shoes, still pristine, thinking 'next week'. I don't want that to be me. I may not ever have a body like Davina, but I will be fitter than I was 6 months ago and fitter than I was 6 weeks ago and I won't stop trying.

So, thank you Ladies and Gentlemen for keeping me company, cheering me on and taking the piss. I've really appreciated it. 

Roses
xxx

...Press 5 for Emotional Meltdown

It seems there's a knack for maintaining your sanity. Follow this simple tip and you'll never reach for the vodka bottle again.

Never, ever try to get hold of any large institution/business/government organisation by telephone.

It's so simple.

I wished I'd have realised this years ago.

As you may remember, I'm in the midst of remodelling my flat, ready to move in at the end of June. Unfortunately, my administrative system has struck again. The blasted Paperwork Elves fed my receipts/paperwork to the dragon and I can't find out when new flooring is to be delivered. I spent the last hour and a half trying to get hold of the Norwich store to find out the details. Can I get through? Good grief no. Not only that, I have an automated process to go through every time before being told, they can't take my call right now.

For the sake of my own peace of mind, I removed the telephone from my ear and went and did a work out. I'm going to have a shower, get dressed and drive over there to get the information in person. It'll be more pleasant for everyone concerned.

And yes, you did read that right. I did a work out. I have been working out at least once a week. I've been taking it very slowly...I'm very unfit and my knees and back being what they are...the idea is not to make it worse. There is improvement, but it's very small yet. I'm now doing more of the workout and working harder at it. This pleases me but in the grand scheme of things - I have a long way to go. 

We spent the weekend working on the flat. Which was great fun. Last week was hard going. I had a lot of writing to do and then the office job and frankly, my brain was mush. I don't know what was going on, but jeez Louise, I found it nigh on impossible to get anywhere with anything. If I could have, I'd have gone back to bed for the whole week.

Helping demolish my kitchen was a fantastic antidote. As was removing 4 years of limescale from my toilet. Kids, it's important. Do as the chemist says, not as he does. 

There's one more unit to be taken to bits, but that requires plumbing tools. The nasty vinyl is up, the worktops are out, the tiles (and most of the plaster) are off. Once I know when the flooring will be done, then we can finally get somewhere with it.

Of course, this is the fun bit.

Every job seems to have 6 jobs behind it and one thing can only be done, once something else has been done.

The electrician is booked in to start moving sockets and lights around.

I'm not stressed. Really I'm not. Just because when I lie down to sleep at night I've got 3,000 things going on in my head...it's to be expected.

I keep telling myself how much it will be worth it and that in 3 months time, we'll be settled in and comfy.

I keep pinching myself as to how lucky I am to have an awesome man who gives up a perfect weekend to bike around Norfolk to demolish my kitchen and haul dead appliances to the tip.

Going to the Dark Side

One of the goals I set myself this summer was to become fit and strong. I wasn't particularly worried about my weight, even though it's been fluctuating, I figured if I was fitter and more active, it would settle down. Of course, once I got the phone call (last week, bloody hell), it kind of screwed my plans a bit.

Until I remembered my SIL was a yoga convert. I did ante-natal yoga and quite liked it, but my leanings tended to be more martial arts rather than yoga. But I've been putting off joining a class, procrastinating doing my exercise dvds and ignoring the olympic sized swimming pool just up the road. I bought a skipping rope which was duly packed and when I arrived I made the mistake of telling my SIL.

She took me for a walk round the neighbourhood on Thursday. Bearing in mind, Trinidad has steep hills, I'm deeply unfit and I smoke, I revelled in the fact that when we finished I did not require the attention of a paramedic, nor did I resort to Father #1's oxygen (though it was a close call).

Now you, my long term readers will know, my morning routine is fairly well fixed. Until I've had my first smoke and cup of coffee, I'm not coherent. I can't even think about getting dressed or leaving the house until I've had my second round. Forget eating. I was just thinking about my second cup of coffee when my SIL announced the yoga class started in 15 minutes. I managed to collect my brain cells and got changed into suitable gear (leggings and a big shirt) and we got there in time. Then for the next couple of hours I puffed, panted and groaned through my poses.

Apparently, I am 'awakening' my muscles.

We were doing Hatha yoga and the teacher leading the class was fantastic. The other students were supportive and helpful. I didn't feel like the new, clueless kid. I even managed a handstand! Me! Yes, you did read right. So, the idea is I'll do classes 3 times a week while I'm here, build up my strength and stamina and when I get back to the Land of Cold and Damp, I'll keep up the good work.

Yeah right.

But, I've got to start somewhere and if I don't do it now, then when?