Monday, May 31, 2010

The Right Time

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my Life. Every time I make plans they seem to turn to dust. Not that that is a bad thing. Far from it. It just means I'm scratching my head thinking 'what am I going to do now?'

So I've looked at the list of things I want to do, but haven't quite got round to yet. It's quite a long list I realised. One of the things I have wanted to do, or perhaps I should say, something I wanted to have done, is orthodontic work. I had braces in my teens and the treatment was never finished properly. This meant that my teeth slid back into crooked positions over the years. I've been mulling this over, because let's face it, nice straight, white teeth are a good thing.

I was in the garden smoking and thinking and it came to me - if not now, when? When is going to be the right time to have this done? It's going to take 18 months from start to finish, every month I delay is another month I could have been closer to finishing. If I had the treatment done when I first looked into it, I'd be finished by now. So, now is the time. On the 18th of June I'll begin my torture sessions. In two Christmases from now, I'll have a Hollywood smile. Oh yeah baby.

The other thing which is on my list is exercise. How often have I said here that I want to be fit again? Again, the same logic applies. If not now - when? What, when I'm ageing and my decrepit body starts falling apart. Bit late then isn't it? When my energy levels improve? Are they really going to improve with no effort on my part? Hmmm...let me think. It really isn't going to happen is it?

You will need to excuse me now, I'm going to huff and puff through an exercise dvd. If you don't hear from me in a few days, assume my nicotined stained lungs have given out and I'm keeled over. Send Robert Downey Jr to do CPR.

Update: Damned near killed myself working out with Davina. Dear God, I thought this exercise lark is supposed to be good for you! Send RDJ now!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Mid-Wife Crisis

Ladies, Gentlemen and other fabulous and undetermined genders and persuasions. It has come to my notice that there is a rather funky new blog on the scene. As you may remember from my NHS Direct and department store days, I'm a big fan of the general public and therefore, public service blogs. This is a blog with a difference. This blog is about life in the sharp end of UK politics. If I was going to steal some buzz words, grassroots would come to mind.

I give you: Mid-Wife Crisis.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Dying Swan

Right you lot, which one of you gave me this bug? Come on 'fess up.

Boy came down with it Monday as did Petite Ursus. I steered clear of both and on Thursday started coughing up a lung. Very, very unpleasant. Yesterday, I felt like Lurch and Mr T had been using me as a punching bag, as well as the coughing, spluttering and sniffing, every inch of me hurt. Bright light and loud noises just hurt. Thank the Goddess for Ibuprofen and trashy novels. I took a large dose of each and hid in bed.

I'm not up and about. I just got bored. I know full well I'm not really dying, I just don't do ill. I'm not of the Stiff Upper Lip, Only When I Laugh, school of thought. I do the pathetic, send tea and sympathy Dying Swan. Which is fine. I feel sick, I want looking after.

However, this is only a cold. Let's put this in perspective. By next weekend, I will be feeling lots better and will back to my whingy, whiny self. There are those amongst us who are not faring so well. We have lost another blogger. Although, I didn't read Mutley's Blog, I did see him occasionally round MJs. It has brought home the fact that life is nasty, brutish and short once again.

I blog because I have a fundemental need to reach out and annoy. The blogging community I am proud to be part of is based on humour, genuine affection and caring. When I blog of some disaster which has befallen me, no matter how big or small, I am surrounded by friendship. Blogging isn't a replacement for real life; just because the community is based on binary code, it doesn't make it any less real.

I have a favour to ask. If you blog anonymously and are part of this little community of ours, find someone who won't leak your identity, someone you can trust. Someone, who in case something should happen, will let everyone know how you're doing. Should I drop dead tomorrow, Boy will let you know. I just don't want to wonder if you've gone off the whole blogging thing, or whether you've been trapped in a mine shaft, if I don't see you about. Please?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Day After

Oh man, talk about feeling fragile.

*walks downstairs*


Dave, what on earth are you doing here? Did you go home at all?

In fact, why is there a pile of people asleep under my table?


Monday, May 17, 2010

The Big Four Ohhh...

*runs around getting the Palais ready*

Welcome my dears. As you can see, Boy and I have decorated the Palais into festive mode.

There is a good spread of munchies, please help yourself. I'll get you your first drink, after that, help yourself.

It's lovely to see you.

*pours herself a glass of Aspalls cider*


Saturday, May 15, 2010

It's Official

Yes, it's true. The rumour mill has it right (for once). On Monday the 17th, I officially turn 40.

Therefore, prepare yourselves for a party round here at Palais de Roses on Monday.

I am expecting you all to turn up glammed to the max, bring the tipple and floozie of your choice. Be warned, I will be asking you about your choices.

I am however, bitterly disappointed in Boy. He refuses point blank to fly over to LA to get my birthday present. He muttered something about kidnapping and federal charges and the seediness of middle aged women.

Teenagers eh?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Public Service Announcement

It has come to my attention that perhaps gentlemen could use some beauty advice. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to educate you in good grooming practises that will ensure your significant other will continue to want to get up close and personal with you in years to come. And strangers in the street will stop walking to the other side of the road, or stop staring at a point just behind your head.

Gentlemen find a mirror and flare your nostrils.

If you can see even a strand of nasal are in need of my help.

I once had the most unfortunate experience. I went to a meeting. A serious meeting. A meeting where I could not afford to be distracted. The gentleman next to me had nasal hair a ring-tailed lemur could have swung from. Unfortunately, he had a bit of a cold. And no tissue or hanky. It meant that the tips of the hairs hanging proudly from his nose, dangling above his shaved upper lip were glistening. Glistening I tell you. Perfectly formed drops reflecting all the colours of the rainbow. All I can say is his wife and he must have been in difficulties, for her to let him out of the house looking like that. Can you imagine what his nose would have been like when it all dried up?

Because you, my gentle readers, are not right bastards and I enjoy your company greatly, I offer this advice: pluck or trim. I'm not a fan of plucking. Makes ones eyes water and hurts like hell. Many chemists in their electrical section offer men's grooming kits. You can buy nasal trimmers that won't shred the inside of your nose, but will whisk those pesky danglies away in 5 minutes. You will probably need to do this as part of your fortnightly grooming routine, but trust me, the effort is worth it. And while you're at it, check for ear hair and trim those too.

For those of you that will argue for the au naturel look, that will say 'all you have to do is tuck them in' - NO.

It doesn't work. The pesky danglies, will quickly untangle themselves and swing free above your top lip. Nor does trying to blend them in with your moustache work either. Just because the hair at the top of your head has migrated to your nostrils, you're going to have to face up to the fact it's really not sexy. It's not like you'll ever be able to style them properly. Let them go.

It's not big, it's not clever. It's certainly not sexy. It's nasty. Go trim.

Saturday, May 08, 2010


I've been thinking about my fascination with tv adverts for some time now. I've also been thinking how I would blog about it too. It's not that I'm worried that you'll think I'm weird, because quite frankly, if you don't think I'm a little bit on the odd side, you need to get your head checked.

Most evenings I'm draped on my sofa, cat curled up next to me, channel surfing looking for something, anything that looks vaguely interesting. I have come to engage more with the ads than I do the actual tv programmes. I was slightly concerned about this. I figured since leaving education, my brain has shriveled to the size of a dessicated pea.

It was when I was in Trinidad, curled up on my brother's sofa with a vague sense of dissatisfaction that the reasons began to dawn on me. In Trinidad, most of the television is cable from the States. Readers from North America, my apologies if you are offended. But the advert fare is actually quite boring. Boring and worrying. Bearing in mind I was watching prime time tv, most of the ads (and this is not me over-exaggerating) were about processed foods, cheap restaurants, fast foods or prescription drugs (which are scary). Occasionally, I recognised the beauty product ads, L'Oreal etc.

But by in large, most of the ads are of a very straight-forward presentational format. This is our Product, how much it costs, where you can find it, why you should buy it.

Adverts in the UK generally don't adhere to this format, unless of course it's a JML product. I've had a long think about this and it occured to me that UK adverts pull heavily from conceptual art, especially installation art. There's a surreal element to them which makes them fun and engaging.

For example, I love this Aero ad. Skateboarding through balloons. How fun is that?

This Sainsbury's Homebase ad is straight out of the conceptual art textbooks. Love it for the genuine surprise on the commuters' faces.

And of course this T Mobile ad, which was obviously influenced by this Sound of Music in Antwerp Station.

Having said that, I did find this on the sofa in Trinidad. I really enjoy this ad from Snickers. It just tickled me.

None of these ads have changed my spending habits, but it makes my nightly mong in front of the tv, slightly more entertaining. I am pleased to see the links between art and every day life, even in the pursuit of dirty schekels. After all, it's no fun being a struggling artist.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Iron Man 2

Yesterday, the Great Ursus and his Lovely took me to see Iron Man 2. As you can imagine I was kicking and screaming at being dragged. Not. On the way out I disgusted Boy and his friend by saying I'll need a Tena Lady for the experience. Tee hee. I do like being vile, it keeps him on his toes.

As a pre-birthday treat I was taken to a lovely Turkish restaurant. An unassuming cafe that serves the most amazing food. Yum, yum. And then Iron Man 2.

What can I say? Robert Downey Jr was fantastic as the tortured Tony Stark. It's rare to find such a rounded portrayal of a character from a comic book. The humour is sharp and biting. His bouts of self-destruction are cringing, especially balanced against his humanitarianism. His relationship with Pepper Potts could have been more central, but it's enough. The dynamite in the mix is Scarlet Johannsen's character (who kicks some serious arse, always a pleasure to see a woman in tight black doing so). There were slow bits that probably will have die hard action movie fans yawning, but I quite liked the variations in the pace. The soundtrack was unashamedly rock. It all added to a highly entertaining few hours. And yes, I will go for a second viewing.

The trailers for this summer's viewing look more than entertaining. Amongst the offerings:

  • The A-Team - a rehash of the cult 80's TV series with Liam Neeson as Hannibal.

  • Robin Hood - after Kevin Costner's version, I'm ambivalent. But Russel Crowe is lookin rather good.

  • Knight and Day - Tom Cruise's latest offering. I'm not a fan, but it looks fun.

  • Prince of Persia - Jake Gylenhaal looking very, very scrumptious.

Looks like it's going to be a fun, movie summer.