Please Adjust My Set

I'm currently spending more time in front of the idiot box than normal (which is no tv at all). As my brain slowly atrophies and I watch yet another episode of Ghost Whisperer and Star Trek: various, I realise it's the adverts which drive me nuts. They are on constant loops and it's the same adverts for every episode of whatever I'm watching, whatever the time of day. Mostly, I can tune out the car insurance, post-your-gold-for-cash, cereals and don't do drugs and drive (drugs have an involuntary effect on the eyes, which you can't control; really), but there are three ads that make me want to commit violence.

Always Ultra
Features a winged pad with pin-balls bouncing off the various layers. I find it disturbing for several reasons including: my menstrual blood has never, ever resembled pin-balls. And quite frankly, I would seek immediate medical help if it ever started bouncing around like that. The violence comes from the strap line 'Have a Happy Period'. Really?! After spending the week before with gritted teeth, sore breasts and bloated stomach, I then spend the following week curled up in a ball, swallowing paracetemol and ibuprofen like they're tic tacks, clutching a hot water bottle. Have a happy period? Come closer love, my what a big tyre iron I have here, just for you.

Chocolate Rice Krispie Squares
After years of being inflicted with Malibu adverts featureing a Barbadian voice over, showing the supposed 'relaxed' Caribbean way of life, I'm then assaulted by an animated chocolate island with pale rice krispies lying in hammocks and a chocolate volcano eruption. This is wrong on soo many levels, least of which is the voice-over. Which Caribbean island is that supposed to hail from? I'm from there and while I know dialects change over time, that is one of the worst accents I have ever heard made up. Also, not so long ago St Lucia suffered a proper volcano eruption. That was no laughing matter. People lost their lives and homes through that natural disaster. Should you think I'm being overly sensitive about it, how would the ad have gone down had it been a chocolate tsunami?

Pampers Golden Sleep
Very cute baby gets introduced to an older woman, by doting mum. Goes to sleep for the night, sleeps 12 hours, wakes up the next morning and recognises the neighbour. The voice-over informs parents that babies need 'golden sleep' to develop properly. So if they chose Pampers their baby is going to have the IQ of Einstein. Really? I don't think so. I do think parents of young babies have a hard enough time as it is and some daft ad, guilt tripping them isn't helping.

Yes, I might have remembered the adverts which will no doubt have some agency rubbing their hands together. But you know what? It is with considerable glee that I boycott the first two products (I'm not likely to need the third any time soon). The brand may have won, but the product sales have lost.