I find it very difficult to do so, even when it's really obvious to those all around me that things just aren't working out. I hate giving up. I like to finish things. I want to be the person that can be depended upon in a crisis, the person who copes well, smiles and has time for everyone.
Yesterday, it became very clear to me that actually, I had some hard choices to make. It was my degree, or my job. My degree represents my future as a Creative/Writer, brokedom, more debt than several third world countries put together. Versus my job: represents money, self-esteem, professionalism. I love the people I work with, even the spikey ones. They are incredibly supportive and compassionate, i'm often spluttering coffee everywhere with their jokes and wry observations. Then, there are the callers who are Byronic: mad, bad and dangerous to know. I think if I wasn't doing my degree, the job would be fine, in fact, more than fine.
My underwear is firmly hidden by my tights. I am not Superwoman. I wish I was. I really do. I am just a single parent, trying to finish my degree, trying to sort my life into some semblance of coherence. Ultimately, I'm on my own. My family is not in this country and while I have an excellent support network, of which I now count my 'virtual groupies', at the end of the day, it's just me looking after a teenager and a cat.
Work have said that they don't want me to go. They will pretty much strew rose petals in front of me if I come back. And I do want to. I hate letting the people down who have shown me so much faith and support. If I didn't have a dissertation to finish...okay, if I didn't have a dissertation to start, I think I'd probably be okay. But I do have it, and this isn't my life's calling.
I get up in the morning to write, to blog, to do my bus journeys, not to talk to attention seekers about Polonium 210.
Fortunately, the agency who took me on seem to like me; they immediately offered me more work. I have agreed to do odd days for them, but until January, my time is now my dissertation. The good news is that I've borrowed more books out of the library. The bad, well I've yet to open them.
Bank Holiday Sunday
Dear Dave I woke up today with Philip Glass' Metamorphosis in my head. It's apt really as it was part of the music chosen for your...
-
Dear Dave I woke up today with Philip Glass' Metamorphosis in my head. It's apt really as it was part of the music chosen for your... -
*runs around getting the Palais ready* Welcome my dears. As you can see, Boy and I have decorated the Palais into festive mode. There is a g... -
Today, this blog is a year old. In the next two weeks I will be coming to the end of this particular journey. I'm still not sure how I f...
I think sometimes you have to take stock and make decisions that help you get where you want to be no matter how difficult that decision is (although I'm thinking the daft people talking you to death about polonium 210 probably helped to crystalise your view).
ReplyDeleteIt's a brave decision but you know it's for the best and I guess if you change your mind, at least work didn't chase you off the premises as soon as you suggested it!
And if you find yourself craving a coffee spluttering moment - I've got loads of jokes to keep yu entertained inbetween chapters...what do you call a judge with no fingers?
....
Justice thumbs!
Plenty more where that came from! Hurrah I hear you cry...
oh yeah I was so busying laughing as I typed out my joke I forgot to add it's not defeat and all that stuff you do? Where do you find the time and energy? you sound like a superwoman to me...
ReplyDeleteIt's a brave move, but you've not been happy of late... So doubtles the right one.
ReplyDeleteT'is always good to have options.
NM ~ thanks so much, for your kind words. Don't mind me, I have to mop up the keyboard and screen. You just think I have a lot of energy, because I don't write about all the time I sit on the futon and dribble.
ReplyDeleteIng ~ when I realised I did not want to get up in the morning to go to work, I knew it was time for a change. At least we can end things well.
I'm not at all surprised and have wondered for a while how you manage!?
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're admitting defeat but rather 'Focusing Resources'.
This will all be worth it :~)
(PS) I have some pretty good jokes too! What goes oh oh oh?
Santa walking backwards!
I know, lame ;~)
Dianne ~ isn't 'focusing resources' some kind of management speak? I got told off the last time I used that kind of phrase here.
ReplyDeleteAs wretched as I feel about making the decision, I had the first good night's sleep in weeks last night. Woke up this morning far more focused on my environment and my college stuff.
PS Wait til I tell Boy those jokes, he'll love them! Yes, they made me laugh, but I'll never admit it out loud. :-0
ReplyDeleteYou can't spend THAT much time sitting on a futon dribbling... You only just answered this question, "What do you do when you are bored?" with "I don’t have the opportunity".
ReplyDeleteSo there! :)
It does sound like you are focussing on something specific, rather than rattling around trying to do two very time-intensive and challenging tasks at the same time.
Frankly, I'm with the rest, and it does sound a bit like knickers on the wrong side of your tights to me ;)
I suppose I'll stick with the prehistoric jokes and go for...
What's green and hairy and goes up and down?
...
A gooseberry in a lift.
And...
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
...
A carrot.
You do manage one heck of a lot :)
Keep away from any kryptonite ;)
PS.
Dianne: It sounded like someone else to me... ;)
If you had decided to drop college and retain your job I think that would have been a mistake . . . so close now.
ReplyDeleteIM ~ thanks for your continued support and weird humour, I liked the gooseberry joke, but did think the carrot was a bit dodgy.
ReplyDeleteRodrigo ~ welcome! I think after all I have gone through to keep on this degree, I'd get myself sectioned if gave up now.