Job Hunting

Tomorrow I start job hunting seriously. I am getting seriously freaked about not having some regular paid employment. I think it's the thought of not being able to finish my degree that's doing it. I'm back working at St Stephen's Practice for a few days, which is great, but it is only a casual thing and there are no hours going in September. I got a lead on another job, but it's only 8 hours a week, which on minimum wage is no good to man nor beast.

Thursdays is jobs day in the paper and there are some vacancies up at UEA to go for, plus there are the agencies to start badgering. I'm just hoping I can find something interesting enough, that pays enough with flexible hours. I suspect I'm asking way too much. So I'm willing to ammend the interesting.

In between clients, I've been spending sometime chewing over the concept of relationships. After I split up with my Significant Other I had an interesting chat with someone. In the same conversation she said we'd get back together after some time had passed, we were just angry with each other; the next part of the conversation she said I needed to be in a relationship, because I didn't know who I was, or could spend time on my own.

Now, I will freely own up to my neuroses, but I was a bit taken aback by this. I read some self-help books, thought a bit more about it. Being on your own is the 'way forward', you learn to love yourself that way. Apparently. Actually, being on your own requires a whole different skill set than making a relationship work on a day to day basis. Compromise, patience, understanding, good humour, acceptance...these are skills which can only be gained through a relationship. They need to be excercised and tested. By yourself it's easy to say 'I'm patient', especially if there isn't anyone there to say 'yeah right'. Intimate relationships bring vulnerabilities to the forefront, they involve an element of risk. An openess to another human being with the potential to reject you. A life without risk, how dull would that be? True no pain, but no real joy either. Nothing can flourish in a sterile environment.

I realise now a few months have passed, that I really like my own company. I like being able to sit for long periods of time and stare at nothing. I love my home. It's my hidey-hole. I've discovered that I need a lot of space in my relationships. I recognise I can be clingy and needy, but that comes from insecurity, it's not my base position.

I am hopeful for the future in a way that I've never been before. I am learning to accept today for what it is, the beginning of tomorrow. Of course there are some days that just plain suck, days I don't move off my futon, but they hold less power over me.

I think, all being said and done, I'm doing okay.