Existential Angst/Mid-life Crisis


Yes, it's true. I am having a mid-life crisis. I have come to hard realisation of two important things:


1. Life is Meaningless. We are born, we are taxed and then we die. Therefore, the only meaning in Life is that which we create.
and
2. While I every major thing I have every wanted has been denied to me, I have actually had a pretty awesome time considering.

These two truths along with some other things, have meant that since August I've been wrestling with both the Big and the Little Pictures.

The flat where I thought I'd die in, over the last 8 weeks became my prison. I hate being here, I can't abide being in Norwich anymore. I've lived here since 1996. In fact, I'm moving out pretty much 18 years to the day. I am having a Don McLean moment.

This midlife crises leaves no relationship, no belief or activity unquestioned. This process hasn't even come close to finishing yet. I'd go so far as to say, I've only just begun.

Tomorrow, I move. I am being packed up and I am running away to the country. I've been offered sanctuary by the most lovely Z. It's only for as long as it takes her to sort through her own stuff and then I'll have to move again. Where to after, I can't say. I can't say, because I don't know. I honestly don't know.

To deal with the first issue. What is the meaning I want to create in my Life? 

I'm going to do an Introduction to Counselling course in the New Year and after that, I will have more options. Or not.

I've started a course at the Norwich Buddhist Centre. I haven't been a pagan magical practitioner for a good few years now. Not because I don't believe magic doesn't work, but because I believe it does. I no longer believe I have any answers to Life's dilemmas/questions. I would rather take each step as it comes and trust the outcome is as it needs to be. 

Which kind of leads on to #2. The times I didn't get what I so very dearly wanted and craved were hard. Really hard. But I learnt some very valuable lessons. And pretty much, without exception, although I wanted a different outcome, in hindsight it was such a good thing. Relationships that I wanted to succeed and failed spectacularly, even though I tried so hard - they would have destroyed my soul. Work situations that would have crushed me in the long term, despite the excellent potential for enormous salaries and career progress.

The little I've learnt about Buddhism matches up to my experiences so far. I will never be Christian again and I am no longer a magical practitioner, but my belief in spirituality remains unshaken. I've had too many weird things happen to me, to believe otherwise. 

But I digress; tomorrow I move.

Tomorrow, I pack up and leave the flat where I've lived on and off over 16 years. It was supposed to be our haven and it hasn't been. It's not big enough for me to live in the way I need to. 

I've been laughing with friends today about the fact that in my 20s I did a BA in Development Studies, in my 30s I did a BA in Creative Writing, now in my 40s I'm looking for more learning. I think I will do a counselling course, though what flavour, I don't know yet. Or indeed, I might do something completely different. Who knows? If someone up there does, they haven't made me privy to that info. 

In a couple of weeks, Boy is coming home for the weekend. He's going to hold my hand as I have my first tattoo done to mark the occasion. I'm really looking forward to it.

Ultimately, I could have continued to pretend that everything was alright. I'm sure I could have had a stab at ignoring how I feel. Instead, I've decided to embrace this. Whatever "this" turns out to be. Wherever "this" takes me, at least I know I will have stood up and met the challenge head on.  

Comments

  1. How cool that you are moving in with Z! A symbiotic sorting of things.

    PS: Will it still be OK to still send greetings on Solstices?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's really cool! I can't tell you how cool it's going to be. I'm sooo looking forward to it!

      Please send me Solstice greetings, Christmas greetings and remember me at Divali. I never pass up an opportunity to celebrate Life.

      Massive hugs to you darling
      xxx

      Delete
  2. Go you! You are fricking awesome and never forget it! You will find your way to what you need to next and probably have some fun along the way too. Sounds like you are a perpetual learner like me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you lovely. At the moment, I feel more crazy than awesome. It's a very weird head space. But more fun would be great. I'm definitely up for that.

      Us perpetual learners need to stick together!

      Delete
  3. I wrote something about how exciting this is for you but Google ate it.

    It really is exciting days ahead

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Naughty Google!

      I hope so. I am walking with the faith that it is all well and as it should be.

      Delete
  4. Good for you, a mid-life crisis and a comprehensive reappraisal of what you have and what you want can only be a positive step forward. Buddhism and Counselling sound like excellent things to explore. I've never understood the current craze for tattoos though!

    How right you are that the only meaning in life is what we create. If we're lucky, we find things that are so deeply and intricately meaningful that life becomes truly magical.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly that.

      I've wanted a tattoo since 1996. Seemed like the perfect time.

      Delete
  5. Damn. Changes can be very tough, very scary and very inspiring. You will be flying high in the sky soon, my darling, and having such a good friend as Z close by for a while will help with the transition. Don't be afraid to weep on our collective shoulders if the need arises. And will you let us see your new tat? I have never been brave enough to even think of getting one.

    Onward and upward, Roses. If I was closer, I'd help you move. I have a truck you know. ;-)

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah...Ponita, I wish you really were closer. The shenanigans we could get up to!

      There will be pix, probably once it's stopped being scabby and itchy!

      I know you'd have me moved quicker than Pippi Longstocking.
      xxx

      Delete
    2. I've done enough major moves in my lifetime so yeah, I probably could have you moved PDQ.

      Shenanigans would be lovely. Perhaps one day, when one of us visits the other. :-)

      Delete
    3. That would be lovely.

      That's a date!

      xxx

      Delete
  6. The realisation of 1. many years ago was a moment of great cheer.

    I'm looking forward immensely to you coming, darling, but two small things - a) no question of a tatt for me and b) no going blonde either. I'm not having it said that my hair has gone quite gold with grief.

    In other news, I've just ordered a crate of red wine. Fifteen bottles in fact, so we should be ok for a while.

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    Replies
    1. You don't have to, I won't make you. Promise.

      Hmm....so that's us for the first week then. I'll get in the next crate. xxx

      Delete
  7. (FirstNations) You are doing the exact thing you should be at this crossroads, and good for you for listening to your inner self on this! I wouldn't count on Zoe letting you paint everything purple, though; or at least wait until you're both halfway through the crate before you bring it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hah! There is already purple!

      Don't worry I'm not getting a fairy/unicorn/dragon/butterfly or aboriginal lizard!

      I just figure that it's time to go with the flow.

      Delete
  8. damn, i have missed some serious stuff! good wishes and much fun, sweet pea! xoxoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No not really. I haven't been shouting about it much online. It's been a bit too personal. Don't worry you haven't missed much!

      I'm beginning to feel better for moving, which is good.
      xxx

      Delete

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