Been and Gone

Last Friday, Z very kindly let me build a bonfire in her garden. In the final preparations ahead of the move, we'd talked about the possibility of my 'borrowing' her back garden to set fire to some old diaries, journals and coursework from my creative writing degree. When I looked at the amount of space these journals and diaries etc were taking up, I had to stop and have a long think as to why I continued to hang on to them. 

I had a shelf full of hardbacked art journals filled with the results of endless tarot readings. When I started going to creative writing courses, I started to do my 3 pages a day to write the crap out of my head. Pages and pages of dross. These books were filled with relationship problems and my relentless search for a life partner. Dull, dull, dull.

I lugged them through 3 house moves and I refused to make it a fourth. 

After all, it's not like I ever referred to them for information; and actually, looking at them from over here - I know that was me then, but it's not me now and they are entirely irrelevant to my experience of life now. 

The great thing about the Past, is that's it's been and gone. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I survived! Not only that, I'm sitting here getting ready to kick off the next part of my life - that as a woman with an independent Boy. Do I need to re-hash all that shite? No, not really. If ever I get the urge, I can always dip into the archives of my various blogs where I grappled with and agonised over The Meaning of Life.

As we stood watching it all burn, Z and I talked and toasted the flames. She asked me how I felt, if going through the ritual burning made any difference.

I don't feel any different, if I'm totally honest. I do feel grateful I no longer have to lug those damn journals about, but no, I still feel me. Me at 43, still writing, still working, still being a lover, a friend, a mother. Still absolutely bloody skint (but with options). I'm a bit tired, a bit apprehensive about the whole financial thing, I'm wondering how the parent bit will turn out when Boy goes off to university.

Ultimately, as the year has progressed, I am more and more focused on achieving financial sustainability through my writing and I think the foundations are nearly set and ready for me to start seriously building. Autumn and Winter will find me alone, pounding the keyboard of my laptop, deep in thought. 

I'm really looking forward to it. The next step...