Been and Gone

Last Friday, Z very kindly let me build a bonfire in her garden. In the final preparations ahead of the move, we'd talked about the possibility of my 'borrowing' her back garden to set fire to some old diaries, journals and coursework from my creative writing degree. When I looked at the amount of space these journals and diaries etc were taking up, I had to stop and have a long think as to why I continued to hang on to them. 

I had a shelf full of hardbacked art journals filled with the results of endless tarot readings. When I started going to creative writing courses, I started to do my 3 pages a day to write the crap out of my head. Pages and pages of dross. These books were filled with relationship problems and my relentless search for a life partner. Dull, dull, dull.

I lugged them through 3 house moves and I refused to make it a fourth. 

After all, it's not like I ever referred to them for information; and actually, looking at them from over here - I know that was me then, but it's not me now and they are entirely irrelevant to my experience of life now. 

The great thing about the Past, is that's it's been and gone. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I survived! Not only that, I'm sitting here getting ready to kick off the next part of my life - that as a woman with an independent Boy. Do I need to re-hash all that shite? No, not really. If ever I get the urge, I can always dip into the archives of my various blogs where I grappled with and agonised over The Meaning of Life.

As we stood watching it all burn, Z and I talked and toasted the flames. She asked me how I felt, if going through the ritual burning made any difference.

I don't feel any different, if I'm totally honest. I do feel grateful I no longer have to lug those damn journals about, but no, I still feel me. Me at 43, still writing, still working, still being a lover, a friend, a mother. Still absolutely bloody skint (but with options). I'm a bit tired, a bit apprehensive about the whole financial thing, I'm wondering how the parent bit will turn out when Boy goes off to university.

Ultimately, as the year has progressed, I am more and more focused on achieving financial sustainability through my writing and I think the foundations are nearly set and ready for me to start seriously building. Autumn and Winter will find me alone, pounding the keyboard of my laptop, deep in thought. 

I'm really looking forward to it. The next step...

Comments

  1. I'm a great believer in recycling (burning requires a permit in Mpls!).

    Carry on, Roses. :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honey, you should have seen the piles and piles of Stuff I put outside our old house!

      Happily, people on my street are content to wade through someone else's Stuff and give it a new home.

      xxx

      Delete
  2. That's a great place to start a journey, Roses.

    May it be a long and happy one. Indigo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you darling.

      I certainly hope so. But as they say the outcome is unclear, but there's only one way to find out!
      xx

      Delete
  3. It is always a good thing to keep looking forward. It is nice to have some souveniers, but you can't keep everything. I kept journals on and off for a few years and I put them in the recycling bin the last time I moved house. I don't imagine anyone would want to read them, they were just pages and pages of me whinging.

    At the end of 2005, (a somewhat crappy year for me) I attempted to ceremonially burn my 2005 calendar. Fecking thing refused to catch fire!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Liz

      Absolutely. What I didn't say was on the day before the move, we were emptying the loft and there was a large box of pictures - including some I thought were lost. I promptly burst into tears when I saw the chubby cheeks of my beloved baby Boy. He did this whole foot shuffling thing and hugged me hard.

      Which reminds me - I need to get some picture frames.

      xxx

      PS. Happily, 2005 is drifting off over there and you'll never have to do that ever again!

      Delete
  4. I must send you the pictures, Roses - they aren't very exciting, having forgotten to take them until the fire was nearly out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a bonfire, innit?

      :-)

      Yes, we were both enjoying the talking, raking and burning far too much!

      Thank you so much again.

      xxx

      Delete
  5. *cheers* after 17 moves over the course of my married life, i/we've slowly let things go, sometimes by choice or times by accident, but always without (major) regret. i'm happy for you. xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 17 moves?! And you look so well with it! I'd be a nervous wreck.

      Yeah, I suppose there's no pain in the philosophical - if it was meant to come along, it would have never been lost - approach.

      Thank you sweetheart, we'll see what happens next...

      xxxx

      Delete
  6. I know the feeling. There comes a time when I suddenly look at stuff I've written in the past (book reviews, notes on political issues, rambling self-analysis) and think, what the hell am I keeping all this stuff for? As you say, that was me then but it's not me now. So I take a deep breath and out it all goes. Somehow I don't think posterity is missing anything priceless....

    Good luck with the autumn and winter writing. And leaving skintness behind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's quite a good feeling, isn't it? Being able to look back and think, 'yeah, I don't need to do that again.'

      I confess, I quite enjoy it.

      And thanks, I'll need all the luck and kicks up the backside in the coming dark of the year.

      xxx

      Delete
  7. Good luck and all with the writing, dear Roses. Such a clean sweep must be a very satisfying thing. Maybe I do this when I will move the next time. Don't know when yet, but I will.
    I do not believe that the past is been and gone, in a way it's always there. I thing the best thing we have is forgetting, I am very happy to have forgotten things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you darling.

      It's been a very satisfying experience.

      xx

      Delete

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