Adventures with Acrylic Nails

As you know, this is the blog for the deep and meaningful things in nails.

On my left thumb nail I have a vertical ridge that pretty much dissects my nail. This ridge splits into my nail bed if I bash it. As you can imagine it is bloody painful if it catches on fabric or anything else, and there's always the risk of a tear. 

I've tried gluing the bits back together, with no success. Recently I tried gels - where they paint your nails with this liquid, stick it under UV light. Hey presto! Perfect nails that are tough as fuck.

I thought I'd see if I'd get on better with acrylic nails. I could buy the nails myself and I wouldn't have to go to a salon and thus, save money.

It was fine in principle. 

Except the first lot of nails I bought were too big for my actual fingers. They were a plain, French polish and short, so I thought I could get away with one just for my thumb. Again, fine in principle. Because it was designed for a different size digit, it flaked off after two days. And besides, one false nail just looked silly.

Back to my chemist I went. This time, I found petite false nails. But they were long and decorated. They were proper Dolly Bird nails. I bought them anyway.

I chose the appropriate sizes first, lined them all up and then buffed my nails. I wiped them down with nail polish remover to take off any dust and oils. Putting them on was a doddle. I was surprised how easy it was. Yes, I did glue bits of my hands together, but that was quickly sorted.

When I finished I realised my mistake. They were way too long!
I couldn't type, use my phone or iPad easily. Nails this long turn the simplest activities, like unzipping jeans, into a 20 page adventure. It was pointed out to me - women who wear nails like these, don't do much beyond shopping and tottering around on very high heels. Neither of which I'm vaguely interested in doing. Besides, I'm a writer. How the hell am I supposed to write, when I can't type?!

Boy needed to be in college early o'clock today, so I  drove him in (easy Good Mother points collected) and I went on into the city to find a nail bar.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Norwich isn't the city for acrylic nails. Norwich is the city to get your hair cut and coloured using organic products and you can have manicures and pedicures using the best ingredients. But acrylic nails? Oh no. Apparently, acetone is a nasty chemical and better salons prefer to use more "natural" products.

Okay people, get with the reality check. If you're painting and gluing shit to your nails, it's not "natural". Furthermore, use the braincells the good Goddess gave you. "Natural" does not equal "better". It's all about chemistry; whether natural or synthetic. And some so-called "natural" chemicals are downright dangerous, unstable and just bad for your general health. Polonium comes to mind. Occurs in nature, fucks you over in the nastiest of ways.

When I worked in perfumery I had to field a lot of those arguments. Consider musk oil. A totally natural product gained from electrocuting deer and then collecting their stress-laden urine. Artificial, much better idea; and actually, a cheaper and more stable product to use.

Anyway, after I went into the 3rd sniffy salon (we don't do those types of nails here, get them taken off and we'll give you a gel set for £37.00) I went to a place run by Chinese immigrants. You open the door and the chemical fug plays around your ankles and draws you in. The girl looked at my nails as I explained my problem.

"You don't want to take these off today." She told me. "You damage your nails. And they very pretty."

Oh. Okay.

"I can trim these for you with my machine. £3.00."

So said, so done.

She got her whizzy tool out, trimmed them down and shaped them to ovals. She also glued the bit I'd cracked when I attempted to cut them using clippers.

They weren't busy. The place was empty but for the staff when I walked in. She gave me good advice, which suited my pocket. I walked away very pleased indeed. The thing is, I'd go back again. I'd risk the chemical fug and go back again because they were straight with me.

I kinda like the idea of having nice nails without having to spend 2 hours every 4 days painting, polishing and primping them. I'm hard on my hands. I spend a lot of time pounding my fingers agains the keyboard. And soon they'll be in paint and filler as we decorate the flat.

Boots can expect a visit from me soon. I'll see if I can find false nails more to my liking there for next time.

After. Pretty and Functional. #epicwinning


  1. Loved it! And the renovated nails look nice!

    1. Aww...thank you darling.

  2. they look good on you, sweet girl! i'm too lazy and way too cheap to make regular, (wtf right?) ok, any appointment to get my nails done! but seriously, they do look lovely! xoxoxo

    1. Thank you darling. I'll let you know how they get on next week. See if they've pinged themselves all over my house.

      Yeah, I hear what you say about making appointments. I went through a stage of regular 6 weekly appointments to be waxed, facialled, massaged etc. Then I just could not be arsed. And now, well, I can't really afford it. But the DIY beauty regime seems to be working. Let's hope this does.

      And thank you for my birthday messages.


  3. Before the practicalisation, were you tempted to slap someone across the face - a la Alexis Colby - and leave scratches? You know, just to see if you could?

    1. I was tempted. It was as if having nails that long made me look at high, high heels and designer clothing.

      I was everyone's fashion expert all of a sudden.

      It was very weird.

  4. I'd love to have nails like that! But due to my profession and the obligatory 500 hand washings a day, it is not a possibility. And against hospital policy. My nails are shit. The water and antibacterial cleanser I use at work wreck havoc on them. They are short, soft and I have a thumb nail that's developed a bit of a split. Not like yours at all, but still a pain.

    So glad you've found a place that will give you the straight goods. Once you're done all your renos, go back and have them redone... the nails might attract paint and stuff that just won't come off!

    1. All the nurses I know keep their nails short, short, short! Yes, the handwashing etc does them no good.

      Hey, as soon as you have any holiday coming up, you could slap on these beauties for your time off!

      All the more reason to give them a good pamper at night (or when you put your head down for a sleep). Handcream by the bed, young lady. Or olive oil your hands and slip them into plastic gloves before snooze. That'll make them lovely and soft.

      They seem to be doing okay so far. I think I will find home nails that are oval and definitely not long or decorated. But they are fun!


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