That Ladies and Gentlemen is the sound of me falling off the wagon. My smoke-free status changed after a particularly heavy day Wednesday. I came home, walked to the shop bought more baccy and accountrements. I so missed the ritual of rolling my fag, putting on my coat and standing outside, gazing at nothing. That first fag was eye-rollingly fantastic. The fourth one, not so much.
So, what have I learnt in the last couple of days?
Tobacco addiction is a sneaky, sneaky beastie. I'd grown up with the "Say 'no' to drugs" campaigns in the 80's. Movies like Christiane F, showing addiction as this monster that reduces addicts to gaunt sticks, experiencing withdrawl symptoms that has them gouging their skin, pulling their hair out.
It's not like that. The first day....a doddle. Filled with self-righteous pride, not having a ciggarette is not a big deal. The second day, thoughts of tobacco crept in and stayed in. In the afternoon, I would have chewed the table quite happily. Wednesday, well Wednesday was hell and I gave in. I didn't feel physically uncomfortable. I was occasionally a bit twitchy. Emotionally, I can honestly say that coming off tobacco seriously impinged on my ability to give a fuck. For three days, I was ready to stick my two fingers up in the air and mouth obscenties a sailor would be shocked at.
Truthfully, I've been nagged into giving up smoking. I don't have an immediate, pressing need to give up. I can risk the stats. After all, I started late in life. And it's not like I smoke a huge amount now. Nine thin roll-ups is counted as a 'low' addiction, according to the NHS.
Giving up smoking and failing miserably, makes me determined to give up even more. Not for any other reason than my own personal contrariness. If I have to do something, I don't want to do it. I see now I have to smoke and now I am determined not to. I am not going to live my life dictated by any substance. I won't do it.
It may take a while for me to finally quit. I may fall off the wagon many, many times. Actually, it doesn't matter how I get there, all that matters is I quit. If one way doesn't work, there will be another way to try. One step at a time.
Bank Holiday Sunday
Dear Dave I woke up today with Philip Glass' Metamorphosis in my head. It's apt really as it was part of the music chosen for your...
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Dear Dave I woke up today with Philip Glass' Metamorphosis in my head. It's apt really as it was part of the music chosen for your... -
*runs around getting the Palais ready* Welcome my dears. As you can see, Boy and I have decorated the Palais into festive mode. There is a g... -
I am quite short-sighted: -8 in one eye and -9 in another. Which if you're in the know, means glasses, even the super-expensive, thin on...
minute by minute, babe! xoxoxox
ReplyDeletesavannah ~ honey, I never knew minutes could feel like life-times. Ho boy. One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteIt took me three or four goes but the Alan Carr book was an invaluable crutch. I think slipping back a couple of times eventually proves how little you're really missing.
ReplyDeleteI go back to the days when most offices had a little gaggle of miserable NON smokers huddled outside to get away from the fug inside.
Climb back on that wagon girl, you're doing grand!
whoops... advice comes from strange places...could be an omen...
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself...
ReplyDeleteWhat would Robert Downey, Jr. do?
Ask yourself...
ReplyDeleteWhat would MJ do?
If the most lovely Lab cross in the world can do it, then you probably stand a chance too.
ReplyDeleteYou are still awesome darling!
ReplyDeleteYou'll do it when you are ready and motivated. Doing it for other people won't work. You must feel like you are doing it for yourself.
murph ~ a voice from beyond. Wise words, of course I will follow your advice. How could I not? By the way, we miss you.
ReplyDeleterog ~ I think it is.
mj ~ RDJ would just get drunk, high and trash a hotel room. Far too energetic for me.
xl ~ mj would post more pix of wrinkly old men, in dodgy s&m gear.
cyberpete ~ exactly that. Now I know, I don't want to be in thrall to any substance, I'm motivated as hell.
dave ~ sorry honey, I left you out. Indeed.
ReplyDeleteI still miss Murph terribly.
ReplyDeleteOne day you will just stop, darling. You've rather summed up the reason I never started, though. I wasn't going to need anything.
My John was a smoker for nearly 30 years and had a tough time quitting but he did it. You can do it too!
ReplyDeleteIsn't that why wagons were created?
ReplyDeleteAt your own good pace Roses. No one else can do it for you. Only you can do it for you... and that's the key....
z ~ never starting would have been the wisest choice. However, the experience has been interesting to say the least. If I get to grips with it now, no harm done.
ReplyDeletehayward ~ go and hug your John for being totally awesome. I'll follow his example.
princess ~ I worked out last night, this time last week, I smoked 63 fags, last night 10. That's got to be a result. One step at a time.
I guess this is one topic where I won't be much help - - since I just had a cigarette while in the shower.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, it can be done - just face away from the spray as much as possible, and keep your lighter in the soap dish in case it's needed...
roxy ~ honey, I just *love* your style.
ReplyDeleteI hope you manage to do it. I've never smoked and am very glad that I never had to go through the trauma of giving up. Good luck with it though.
ReplyDeletemme dF ~ I can't be sorry I started smoking, it served it's purpose and it certain has been an experience. Keeping smoking would be a bad decision on my part. I will get to non-smoking status.
ReplyDelete