The Show

I'm not sure whether I can do justice to the last week in one go, so you'll have to put up with several parts. Patience.

I knew things weren't going to go to plan; I knew people weren't going to do what they said; I knew there was a lot to be done; I knew I somehow had been placed in charge of it all...it didn't stop me wanting to bang my head against a wall - or preferably, someone else's. I think if I'm daft enough to do this again, I'm going to have to become far more West Indian and laid back in my approach, otherwise a heart attack/insanity will be unavoidable.

Two weeks ago, I called for work to be submitted for posters to line the stairwell to the broom cupboard. I was still getting work at 10 o'clock Tuesday night. So, Wednesday morning I was bugging the print workshop and guillotining A1 posters. In the midst of it poor Monkfish finally made it off the M25 and over the county border to arrive with me going 'flap, flap effing bastards!' I hope that first impressions really don't count, cause I was stressing big time.

I also had to set up my presentations. Now, the projector that was borrowed for my assessment, wasn't the projector I used for the Show. What should have taken 5 mins, then turned into major hassle. In the meantime, other exhibitors were wondering around shrugging their shoulders and disappearing for 2 hours to walk 5 mins up the road to the DIY shop. Plinths, extention leads, table cloths, sticky pads etc all had to be sourced last minute. At about 3 o'clock, I upped and left to go buy the drinkies and munchies and ready myself for the night to come.

I had visions of matching my nailpolish to my eyeshadow, a face mask, a leisurely shower beforehand. Yeah right. I did however, insist on putting on my slap. Something had to cover up the dark circles. Back again to college, via wine merchants to pick up the drinkies, then dash into college to set things up. Of course we're running late and people are beginning to turn up, fortunately not to our bit, cause we're out of the way...that will be the only good thing I can say about the broom cupboard. The Viking was an absolute love dropped us and gear off, then went back home to drop the car off. He then picked up the bits I'd forgotten and got absolutely soaked walking back into town. Hottie turned up to watch me start scrambling around, arranging food, drink, coolers, I think we managed to hug and say 'hi'. Boy will make an ace barman, he helped me sort out the table and kept an eye on my bottle opener, put beer and white wine into the 'cooler'.

After it was set up, I took a deep breath, poured my first glass of red wine and started to greet people. I have to say I looked at the spread and worried that I'd be left with tons of food and drink. Yeah right. The Viking said to me during the evening, that he'd overheard two students chatting as they helped themselves, they'd made sure not to eat after breakfast.

I was upstairs in the broom cupboard, when one of the stars of our course touches my arm tentatively.

"Can I have a word?" he says.

"Sure. What's up?" I say.

"I don't mean to be a diva, but..." my heart sinks. "The line breaks in my poem haven't come out properly. Can you do it again?"

This was at 6.15.

You'd be so proud of me. I didn't swing for him. I just said. "If you don't like it, you'll have to take it down." He took it down.

I had many glasses of red wine. Hottie says I shmoozed with style. I believe her. I do remember making a complete arse of myself with the God of Poetry and his fabulous wife. In a way, I'm glad he's defected to UEA, saves me having to hang my head every time he looks at me.

Don't ask me about the later part of the evening. I have vague recollections of eating, leaning nonchalantly on plinths, chatting to my Course Leader, being chucked out of the building by the caretakers and taking off my high heels for the walk to Pizza Express. I think everyone had a good time and I remember Hottie oggling the very cute waiter and Boy being embarrassed by me. Somehow, I've ended up souvenirs as well.

I do know that I only had a couple of hours sleep thanks to my hayfever which kicked in with a vengence. At least I was wide awake at 4 am when the alarm went off. Getting ready for Dublin was lovely. Hottie was already up and chirpy - biatch, but she made us coffee (so you're forgiven - just). , We somehow managed to squeeze Hottie, Monkfish, Boy and the Viking and me into my two-bed flat, without any flares of temper. The sunrise was amazing. It was the perfect start to our time away.