Pro-activia

I'm giving myself a good pat on the back. I'm feeling very pleased with myself. I did another shift in the NEAD shop this morning, I treated boy to deep fried cholesterol and we went shopping for some bits and pieces. On the way home I saw a notice in a jeweller's window and picked up an application form. When I got home I was busy-busy.

I rang the charity about boy's uniform and school trip and I was told that our application was successful! Yeah! I then rang up about a couple of jobs and I've got an interview at a local pub tomorrow. The hours aren't likely to be sociable, but, they are looking for top up staff for functions and emergencies and as Christmas grows closer there will be office parties galore. So, if I can get a job at the local shop and use the pub job as top up, it should work out quite well.

It looks like my ex-husband will lose his job, which is completely dire for our already dodgy circumstances. If I think about it for too long my hands go cold and my sphincter starts twitching. This is why I tend to stick my head in the sand, it's nice and dark down there. I know I'll be okay. I can pay my course fees in installments, and if necessary I'll stick it on my credit card. As long as I don't think about it, and just get on with it, I'll be fine. Nobody made me give up my well-paid job. It's my own damn fault. I will come out of this with a brilliant degree. I am determined, if a bit terrified.

For Hottie's amusement I read her some of the personals from the Grauniad and Craigslist. We had a bloody good laugh, which I think we both needed. But as I was going through the details of some of the guys (some of whom sounded really nice), I realised I've got bugger all to offer anyone at this point. I'm still getting over the last heavy relationship, I'm so completely flat broke, I don't know what I want to do when I grow up and I've got a bordering on teenage son. I think someone would have to be mad to want to have anything to do with me, I feel like such a mess.

It amazes me how much my confidence swings. It goes from one extreme to another. A bit like my life. But damn, I'd kill for a cuddle. Someone to lie and tell me it'll be okay, I haven't really fucked up my life chasing foolish dreams that aren't ever going to come true. Trouble is I'd know they were lying. My apologies for the self-pity. Fortunately, it's a new day tomorrow.