Sunday, March 03, 2019

Hello from Me at March 2019

I've been struggling to find the words to describe my Life since December 2018 to now. In and amongst the tough bits, there have been the moments of joy, creativity and laughter. 

"Challenging" I associate with getting fit or training for a 5K run, at the end of it, there's a feeling of accomplishment despite the effort, the sweat and sore muscles. Cancer isn't a challenge. "Hard" and "tough", the words do start to convey the grind of our day to day living. Is there enough space within the definitions for the sleepless nights, the helplessness, the sorrow, my shoulders locked around my ears, the peri-menopause and my uterus giving me a good kicking when I'm already on the floor, curled up?

Within "hard" and "tough" there's the almost overwhelming senses of horror, disbelief and frustration at the political mess in this country that's been the waste of time and resources of Brexit, coupled with the loss our wonderful NHS. The system as it is, seems to continue through the sacrifice of the good women and men working to heal with in the travesty of the service provided now. I'm often told by hard core Brexiters that I should wait and see, it will be wonderful. Forgive me; my partner's four-year fight with Stage 4 metastatic cancer has pretty much beaten out my optimism. In my reality, Santa and the Easter Bunny seem to have ridden off on a unicorn. Yet I still pray for the strength to search for the rainbows as the storms pass.

The Universe says 'yes' to me and my art and I am too exhausted to follow through the opportunities that turn up like buses. As I let each one go, I recognise my fear that there won't ever be another one, that I'll be waiting on the side of the road. I sternly tell myself that I didn't know there were buses to begin with, therefore they will continue to run. They will just be different buses, perhaps not so comfortable, perhaps packed with other commuters.

I will not offload this cheerless bit of writing without balancing it with the support that's around me, around us. Facebook provides an endless supply of bad jokes, cute kitty pictures and arguments if I've got the energy to debate. It also lets me receive messages of love and support in the middle of the night. It's kind of weird to think that people hold us in their hearts and reach out during their days and nights. They hold my hands during appointments, give me virtual cuddles when needed and a kick up the bum if the Self-Pity Gnome over-stays her welcome. 

Wintery Birches, mixed media.
Art journal

Blogger is being an arse. I can't respond to your comments. I don't know why it's being an arse, it just is. Thank you darlings, much love back to you. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. xxx


  1. You and your man are in my heart always. I am happy to be able to offer what support I can virtually to you both. Love always. xoxoxo

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  4. Tough times. And I LOVE this picture! (And apparently Indigo Roth is now "Banana Head")

  5. Buses ... there'll be a cab too. Nice from the universe, btw.
    Give my greetings to the man please.

    Are there more "Birches" ? They look promising.

  6. You have my heart and the MITM's, too! We send love to you both always. xoxoxo

  7. I wish you and yours much love and strength. Y'all are in my thoughts and I send positive feelings your way. Your art work is lovely. I can actually feel the coldness--maybe because there's a cold snap here--but the painting does evoke that feeling of winter chill and harshness.

    But like the birches, there is still life. Spring will come, and someday, you will feel happy and serene once again. Love hurts, because it's real. You are not alone. We care and hope for the best.

    Take care and much strength and good health to y'all.

  8. I wish you good luck for the rest of 2019 and I hope it won't be quite as tough and hard as it has been up to now. The constant underfunding of the NHS is shocking. Whether we'll ever get a government that gives the NHS the money and other resources it needs is anyone's guess.


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