Why, it Must be That Time of Year...

...when I stand on my scales and frown.

Except that obviously frowning gives me wrinkles.

Technically, I'm not over-weight. 

I am now 9 stone. According to the BBC BMI calculator, I'm within the 'normal' range. Normal caveats apply (BMI is only particularly accurate if you're bed-ridden). The fact of the matter is: I don't feel healthy. I feel unfit.

And before you start ranting: no, I'm not a fashion-plate. I don't believe a woman must be emaciated. Images of anorexic models, don't make me wish for that body.

I would like to be leaner and fitter.

My ideal weight is: 8 stone.

In the past, I've been 8 stone and desperately unhappy. The best diets I've ever come across is remains the Bad Relationship diet or the End of Relationship diet. Both have meant I've been svelte within no time at all. The minute I'm content, I eat like a fecking horse. I've been in a stable happy lovely relationship for over 14 months now...and don't my jeans know it!

I did say to Lawrence that I blamed him, it's all his fault. He just looked smug. The bastard.

And of course, it's been a cold winter.

I've noticed my craving for stodgy, stick-to-your-ribs food increases as the temperature drops.

But the nights are drawing out, the days are lightening up. When I look at my backside in the mirror, I'd rather it weren't half way down to my knees. I am really not enjoying the bags of peas look either.

Let's be real about this: I'm 42 years old. I do this every year. The fact of the matter is if I was left to my own devices, I'd be lying in bed reading a book, munching through a bowl of popcorn (buttered and salted). 

Let's also be real about this: I'm 42 years old. My diet isn't bad, but it could do with far more fruit and veggies and far less processed shite. I don't move enough to burn off what I eat and the weight is just going to keep creeping up. I also have back, shoulder, neck and knee issues. Exercise relieves these discomforts. If I don't start moving now, in 30 years' time I'm not going to be moving much at all. I'm going to be looking back and thinking 'why the fuck didn't I move when I had the chance?'

Life without tobacco is content. I used to smoke. I don't now. Simple as that really. No drama there. So, if I can be smoke-free with no drama, no reason why I can't be fitter and leaner with no drama as well.

So, how do I do it? There's the question. According to Paul McKenna, it's about cutting down portion size, chewing slowly, move more and only eat what you want to. Incredibly sensible. Except I want to be 8 stone and I want to be 8 stone now! There's a new diet making the rounds - the 5:2 diet. You eat what you want for 5 days and fast for 2. By fast, you cut out 25% of your normal calorific intake. Unofficial feedback suggests it works. 

Lawrence says cutting down calories works, but you have to weigh everything and have to be constantly calculating what you put in your mouth. This is fine if I wanted to live off ready meals for the next two months to achieve this. 

Speaking of which, why is there suddenly a proliferation of these 'diet chefs' who promise they'll send you all your pre-cooked meals, straight to your door on your 'personalised' meal plan. Are people really that thick? Sainsbury's will do that for you at half the price. Actually, thinking about it, that approach would work. I could go through all their ready-meals, calculate everything so I stick to 800 calories a day. All I need is the money. It's a very expensive way of losing weight.

Before you start, my metabolism is so sluggish, if I eat the recommended 2,000 calories a day, I gain weight. This I know from experience. My naughtiness is crisps and chips. I don't binge on chocolate or biscuits or cake. My weakness is fat: butter, mayonnaise and double cream, preferably with lashings of grated cheese on top.

Ultimately, this has got to be about changing my lifestyle. Really, there's nothing much wrong with me that moving more and eating less fats wouldn't do. It's time I stopped talking about it and did it.