When Violence is the Only Answer

The other night, I assumed the position on my very comfy sofa. There was a glass full of drink next to me, I'd just finished my dinner. The work during the day left me feeling pleased with myself and what I'd achieved. I switched on the telly, ready to enjoy some NCIS action. All was well in my world. And then it came on...

Always have a new feminine hygiene product. Someone thought it was a good idea to place a CGI pad on a mechanical bull (motorised rodeo thingy, used to test drunken men's manhood in Texan pubs. One assumes the real men would be on the real thing with sharp hooves and pointy horns). The mechanical bull whirls around with the pad firmly attached, with the odd whip crack to emphasise....ye-es. The advert comes to a halt with a whip crack and a chirpy female voice advising us to have a 'happy period'.

I am a woman. I have never had a happy period in my life. The week's run up sees me spotty, snarling, bloated, weepy; the event itself sees me swallowing ibuprofen like a junkie, curled up sobbing through Amelie. Post-event, Boy goes off to therapy, counting the days off on the calendar when he can leave home.

I can cope with quite a bit of patronising. Nivea Visage Q10 Plus have informed me the reason I feel more confident now, than 10 years ago is purely down to their anti-age ingredients in their creams. Apparently, it has fuck-all to do with the fact that as I and many other women age, we realise it doesn't really matter. But, hey, I am currently coping with it.

I can cope with knowing that one day I'll go skiing with Tena Lady anchored round my loose bladder. I am even managing not to grind my teeth flat with the latest Halifax ads. I do occasionally want to smash their radio studio up, but it passes.

But Always is really, really begining to piss me off. It's not like I have a lot of choice for feminine hygiene products. Women are a bit of a captive market; unless of course I would care to try a moon cup. Which I don't, thanks all the same. What exactly do they think women do all day when afflicted by a period? I certainly wouldn't be on a mechanical bull, cracking a whip. In fact, I wouldn't be cracking a whip at all. And the cracking whip brings to mind all kinds of S&M practices that suddenly become really, really icky (or sticky) during the monthlies. EEeeewwwwww people, just ewww!

I just want to go out and hurt some advertising people now. Give them a stern talking to. With a whip.