When Violence is the Only Answer

The other night, I assumed the position on my very comfy sofa. There was a glass full of drink next to me, I'd just finished my dinner. The work during the day left me feeling pleased with myself and what I'd achieved. I switched on the telly, ready to enjoy some NCIS action. All was well in my world. And then it came on...

Always have a new feminine hygiene product. Someone thought it was a good idea to place a CGI pad on a mechanical bull (motorised rodeo thingy, used to test drunken men's manhood in Texan pubs. One assumes the real men would be on the real thing with sharp hooves and pointy horns). The mechanical bull whirls around with the pad firmly attached, with the odd whip crack to emphasise....ye-es. The advert comes to a halt with a whip crack and a chirpy female voice advising us to have a 'happy period'.

I am a woman. I have never had a happy period in my life. The week's run up sees me spotty, snarling, bloated, weepy; the event itself sees me swallowing ibuprofen like a junkie, curled up sobbing through Amelie. Post-event, Boy goes off to therapy, counting the days off on the calendar when he can leave home.

I can cope with quite a bit of patronising. Nivea Visage Q10 Plus have informed me the reason I feel more confident now, than 10 years ago is purely down to their anti-age ingredients in their creams. Apparently, it has fuck-all to do with the fact that as I and many other women age, we realise it doesn't really matter. But, hey, I am currently coping with it.

I can cope with knowing that one day I'll go skiing with Tena Lady anchored round my loose bladder. I am even managing not to grind my teeth flat with the latest Halifax ads. I do occasionally want to smash their radio studio up, but it passes.

But Always is really, really begining to piss me off. It's not like I have a lot of choice for feminine hygiene products. Women are a bit of a captive market; unless of course I would care to try a moon cup. Which I don't, thanks all the same. What exactly do they think women do all day when afflicted by a period? I certainly wouldn't be on a mechanical bull, cracking a whip. In fact, I wouldn't be cracking a whip at all. And the cracking whip brings to mind all kinds of S&M practices that suddenly become really, really icky (or sticky) during the monthlies. EEeeewwwwww people, just ewww!

I just want to go out and hurt some advertising people now. Give them a stern talking to. With a whip.


  1. *hides in cupboard for rest of week*

  2. I worship at the altar of Ibruprofen meltlets. Don't ask me how many I've taken this week. It's been bad.
    And I have an angry red spot on my cheek. I look like a witch.

  3. Uh, I'll be back next week.

    Oh Hai Miss Scarlet.

  4. It's okay, I'm feeling better now, Mr XL.

  5. dave ~ you're alright, I'm not menstrual at the moment. I'm just stroppy.

    ms scarlet ~ ibuprofen is the God of All Painkillers. I'm sure you don't really look like a witch.

    xl ~ see comment to Dave above.

    ms scarlet ~ glad to hear it. Sometimes, a woman just needs to have a rant.

  6. I completely agree about the always advert, almost as bad as the pinball one. although I have to say my real annoyance at the moment is the advert for that thing that works your pelvic floor.

    Why would anyone want to see that? I'm sure there can't be that many competitors in this market that they have to spoil my TV viewing. It's in the bracket of morning after pills or viagra, not something that should be advertised on TV.

  7. curious ~ I haven't seen the pelvic floor exerciser, which is probably just as well.

    I completely agree with you, I don't want to see Pele talking about erectile dysfunction either.



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