Balancing Act

I'm not dead. Really. I've been away. Went to a wedding and then Boy and I went oop North and planted ourselves on my Viking - who is probably shovelling out his house as we speak, from all the devastation we seem to cause, wherever we go.

The wedding was fabulous. Viking's family are brilliant and his sister-in-law's are amazing. I was made to feel welcome in both camps. I had emergency tissues at the ready while bride and groom made their heart-felt, sincere promises to each other. Fortunately, forward planning meant hard-core waterproof mascara and eyeliner, so afterwards I didn't look like the clown from Stephen King's 'It'. The bride looked beautiful, the groom looked nervous and both of them, once they'd got through the ceremony smiled as if they'd just run the London marathon and won the lottery. My Viking's speech went really well. Although he's probably lost a couple years in his life expectancy in the worry and stress in the run-up to the proceedings, he did a brilliant job. Most importantly, he got the music spot on and didn't lose the rings. I came away feeling like I'd made new friends and expanded my family network.

Boy and I kicked around doing not a lot at my Viking's pad. He spent most of his time on the X-Box oggling Lara Croft's tits and bum as she swung round and round a horizontal pole. I disappeared into a pile of trashy reading, occasionally coming out to swat him when poor Lara must have been getting dizzy doing all those flips, rolls and somersaults out of the way of the bad guys and monsters. Seriously, she must have a cast-iron sports bra. We wandered into the Market Town where my Viking calls home and indulged in naughty cakes and dvds. It's been a really nice time. Though, the Cat is seriously freaked out by being left on her own for the better part of a week (I have to explain that our time away was broken up into two and three days away with a couple of days at home, in case you were thinking of dialing the RSPCS). She peed all over an M&S bag I'd left by my front door, full of clothes I was going to return this week. Fortunately, M&S make good waterproof carrier bags and the clothes don't whiff of cat's pee.

On the train journey back, as I listened to the racket on my MP3 player, I wrestled with a Truth about myself that I can't resolve. In many aspects I'm a split personality. I am constantly torn by my conflicting needs. It should be a fairly obvious process to prioritise my needs, but it's not. It's like I'm two entirely different women existing in the same consciousness.

I crave stability, success, recognition, status. I'd love to have a job which was well-remunerated, status filled and successful. Unfortunately, I'm too flakey to have a successful 'career'. Hence me working in cosmetics. I can't bear the routine and the structure which goes with the job. I can't function in the structures which would fullfil my need to be useful. I'd love to be able to have a responsible job like nursing or policing, but I can't deal with the pain and emotional fall-out which goes with those professions. So I sell expensive creams to spoilt women.

I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going long-term. In the short to medium term, I'll be starting my MA again in October, I'll be doing that part-time. That'll give me another two years before I have to make a serious decision. I can't move anywhere until Boy has completed his A-levels in 4 years time. Where I'll be then is anyone's guess. I suppose I'll just try and keep both sides of my split self happy and hope for the best.

I used to think when I got sorted that life would be easier and more straight forward. While things are a lot more clear, they aren't much easier. Painful decisions aren't any less painful, it's just that the consequences are more obvious. Life has become a process of elimination, me having a checklist ticking off things that don't/haven't worked for me. The real problem has become the fact that just because I know it doesn't work for me, it hasn't stoped me craving it.

Like me eating meat. I really love my meat. Give me dead animal slapped bloody on my plate, with a bit of mustard and fries and mayo and I'm a happy, happy carnivore. I have had at least 2 years when I was a vegetarian and I was very healthy with it. My system works so much more efficiently when I don't have meat in my diet. Yet, I regularly over-indulge. Meat with more meat thanks very much. I gave into my carnivourous cravings after an afternoon fantasizing about bacon sandwiches, KFC and Burger King. I have the will power of a moth, but I'm tired of the singed wings. Perhaps this is really the truth of my inner conflict - I don't want to give things up that are bad for me. I'm not really a grown up at all, I'm really 5 years old sprawled on a pavement throwing a tantrum. Perhaps I should just grow up.


  1. How reassuring to hear that you're party to all the same misgivings and insecurities that baffle and befuddle the rest of us...

    Despite the occasional "wobble" I was beginning to think you were wonderwoman or something...

    Split personality...two separate people...only two you cocky cow? After 50+ years I've at least half a dozen different personna, each with wildly differing wishlists/ambitions and I still haven't a clue where I'm at or my age, sadly probably nowhere much fact looking at our family debt, probably somewhere much worse!

    Never mind...I'm glad you had a great time away, and delighted you've established new family connections...without those, over the years, I'd have gone truly mental (ok, even more mental than...).

    Loved the bit about the cat peeing on the M& S bag...Not so long ago one of our five (at the time an un-neutered tom) sprayed on my work DID penetrate to the contents...the bag was washed down, scrubbed, deodorised, name it...the contents were sanitised then no avail...the bloody thing had a life of its own...people avoided me on the bus (a plus, in a way, I suppose) and my workmates used to fling open the office windows in mid-winter...wherever I visited, people exited....

    Eventually I had to scrap the whole bloody thing, (and my anorak, which suffered from a kind of "rub-off" infection)....Got my revenge though...the cat now has nothing to speak of...but I'm a nervous wreck...never mind...I just LOVE meat...and if confronted with a veggie dish am fearfully rude...

    Sorry, must of the (two) dogs is crapping in the hall and the ducks need closing away for the night...

    Roses...Why the hell can't you just be NORMAL like me?

  2. This post really spoke to me, especially the part about wanting success but not committing to it. Everyday I kick myself for not aiming for success, instead of settling for something that doesn't really fulfil me.

    I also have problems with craving things that aren't good for me. I can't seem to find that inner conviction to keep my willpower from disintegrating.

    I have no advice or solutions for you, as I'm struggling with these issues too. I feel like a child in a woman's body. I need to grow up, but it feels so much easier to stay as I am.

    I hope that one day soon I'll get so angry at myself that I'll break out of the old ways and get on with life like a normal person.

  3. cogidubnus ~ not sure on what you based your wonderwoman assumptions on, but thanks. It's always nice to be compared with a woman in a corset, big pants and a shiny cape.

    What were the ducks doing in the hall? Never mind. I've got to shout at the cat again.

    pj ~ thanks for that honey. Though I must admit I have to disagree with you on one point. The most fucked people I've ever met have been the Normal ones.

  4. I'm going through a bit of that at the moment. The pulling in two directions, not being sure about what the hell I'm doing. Expecting far too much of others and not enough of myself.

    And I always thought being a grown up would be easy...

  5. beth ~ thank goodness it's not just me. Yeah, being a grown up sucks, but it's better than being a child, subject to the whim of parents.

  6. I think most people have that "split personality" thing to some extent. Anyone who doesn't is either really dull or suppressing one side.

  7. sanddancer ~ I suppose I'd realised it and ignored it. It just the moment. I know people who've ignored their split-parts, they're weird and boring as they try to over-compensate.

    I just wonder if there's another way...?

  8. Roses, never grow up. You will forget how to play.

    kisses x

  9. goth mum ~ I have a child, forgetting to play is not an issue.

  10. I'm normal. Or at least I think I am. Roses, tears at weddings...Do all people get that, as in tears...?

  11. twinning ~ you're normal? you weirdo.


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