2011, The Year that Was...

going to be 'Stop Thinking About It, DO IT'.


That was my only resolution. But within that, I started exercising, gave up smoking several times, stopped exercising and kept smoking.


Do I feel a failure about it? No, not really. Because when I chose that resolution, I just wanted to get moving again. I wanted to have a Life. Rather than sitting 24/7 at my laptop, I wanted to do stuff. And it didn't matter if I didn't follow through, I just wanted to have a go.


Have a go, I certainly did. I became an NLP Practitioner and dragged my Boy in after me. If I thought it, I aimed to do it.


So, what was 2011 like? Well, painful and stressful immediately come to mind. It was the first year after my dad died, which was never going to be fun. I was working in two places, and then in March, I started doing 4 days a week at the financial services. I'm glad I made the move. I have learnt an awful lot. I work with and for fantastic people. And it means I write. It seems that it doesn't matter what I write, as long as I write. If I don't, I become totally crazy (as opposed to partially crazy).


This was the year when things began to make more sense to me. I began to understand the role that values play in mine and other peoples' lives. And quite simply, I began to see why some things work and don't work in this context. This in return made for quite an interesting time as far as my love-life was concerned.


Looking back on it, I can't ever think of a time when my love-life has ever been so active. Truly. Things kicked off with the German, end of April and I kicked him to the curb in middle of May. Thinking back on it, in terms of values, he was unkind and miserly, both emotionally and physically and he didn't respect me. Then there was the Surgeon, who could have been lovely, if only he wasn't so wounded. After he stood me up, I decided that really wasn't good enough, I did invite him to remain friends which he never took me up on. And I didn't miss him anyway. In between M. le Frog, hopped in and out creating havoc in my heart. And then there was Northern Bloke...ah yes. We met on FB after the riots, we met physically twice. Perhaps the most 'interesting' of my encounters, especially looking at his values. Which I never saw. They were shrouded in the nice words he thought he should say. His definitions were never fully-formed or indeed, transparent. Interesting considering he's in a similar line of work to my mentor. This should have ensured we'd share common ground, values and interests. Nope. Didn't mean bugger all. He thought he was up to the task of challenging my reality. It still rankles slightly, and just goes to show how arrogant I am, what annoys me is that he thought he could take me on. I have two degrees and I'm an NLP Practitioner *and* he thought he could bend me to his will? Really? Eejit. M. le Frog hopped in and then finally, completely out of my heart.


Because, the week before I went down to London, to meet Northern Bloke, I'd made a new friend. Lawrence and I became partners-in-crime. We'd go to gigs, go on walks, go to dinner, hang out. It was a friendship that meant so much to me. Slowly, slowly, it grew into something more. 


So, that's got to be one of the biggest changes of 2011. 


What does 2012 have in store? Who can say? According to the Mayans, this year the apocalypse begins. I'm just waiting for the exact date so I can stop paying my credit card.


Anyway, in all seriousness now. Given the success of last year's, and I do count it a success, I've decided I will listen to my inner wisdom. Sounds easy, doesn't it?


Hah. Shows what you know.


My inner wisdom is telling me that there are big changes to be made this year. I stopped smoking midnight, my body is making it damn clear it won't tolerate it for much longer. I am also aware that my body needs to move more. There's the small matter of my finances to sort out. My stress levels to attend to...yeah, I think I've got enough to be getting on with at the moment.

All Hail the Duvet!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I declare today, a Duvet Day.
It is the first duvet day I've taken in quite awhile. But, frankly, I think I've earned it. See last night was Supper Club; and this morning, I'm feeling a bit on the fragile side. I wasn't sure there was going to be a Supper Club this month, so when the e-mail came around with the menu, I jumped in. It really is great fun. If you like good food and great company, this really is the place to be. It's hosted not far from me, in a gorgeous home, by some fantastic people who cook. Oh my God do they cook! You bring your own wine/drink.

The joy is not really knowing who is going to turn up. There are the hard core regulars, of which I'm definitely becoming one, and then there are the people who flit in and out. Facebook has also been part of the getting-to-know-you thang. I rocked up there, kissed loads of cheeks and then I was introduced to two newbies as 'this is Roses, she's just done an NLP Practitioners course.' They were NLP trainers. The other person in the circle piped up that she'd done some NLP as well. How about that. Small bloody world sometimes. For me, that really set the tone for the evening. New people to talk to of similar mind-sets. Brilliant.

It was a smaller than normal group and in a way, that made it so much more intimate. There was less pressure to move on and talk to someone new. I had fantastic time. People come to enjoy the great food, meet new people. For me, dinner parties are a bit of a rarity. It's not how I socialise as such. So, the opportunity to meet couples and single people is very welcome indeed. I've been fascinated by different things people do both in their professional and private lives.

Last night, everyone lingered over coffee. More alcohol was acquired and although I could have easily drunk more, I didn't. I did however, make the mistake of drinking cups and cups of black coffee instead of water. When I finally made my way home, I was wide, wide awake. See, I'm blaming my current state on the coffee, not the red wine I'd been drinking. Ugh.

Forgive me if I take a moment to be smug. I'll only do it this once and then I'll be quiet. Last night, the fab hostess and I took the occasional cigarette break together. Or at least she did. I went out to be sociable. Not only didn't I smoke, I didn't want to. I was talking to one of the guys there about smoking - how much I enjoyed the ritual of it, the pleasure of taking 5 mins to have a break from whatever I was doing. But it was like talking about another me. I was completely disassociated from the pleasure of it. Tomorrow, it will be 5 weeks since I stopped. I don't miss it. There are no pangs, or cravings, or even the odd wishful thought. All of that has gone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a non-smoker.

Dusting off the Resolutions

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have dusted off my New Year's Resolutions. I've given them a quick polishing and here: look how shiny they are!

I am nicotine free, I am meditating regularly and today I've started exercising again.

How pleased am I? Very. It feels great, doing good stuff. I'm enjoying the sensation very much. Life is indeed good.

I've managed to totally freak Boy out today. I ironed 3 of my shirts and 2 of his. Now, close personal friends of mine will remember I don't iron. I only bought the iron and ironing board on the off-chance Hottie might want to use when she came to stay. Both live in Boy's room. He uses it. I haven't. In fact, I'm pretty sure that today was the first time I've used that iron. Boy keeps feeling my forehead. But the shirts look much better ironed and the chances of getting Boy to do it were minimal. Rather than fuck about with it any more, I ironed.

It's quite amazing really, I got more energy, I'm more productive around the house, I'm content in my head. Hard to imagine, but all of this came from me standing outside, smoking alone, contemplating the retreating year of 2010. I have a note stuck on my board that says 'Stop Thinking About it! Do it!' That was over five months ago now. Good grief! How much time has slipped by. How many things have changed. How many things are thankfully still the same.

On Tuesday, I will be celebrating my 41st birthday. Did I think, when I celebrated my 40th, this would be my Life now? No, not really. I had no idea. I feel a shiver of anticipation when I consider the year ahead. What other changes will happen? I know my braces will be coming off and I'll finally have my Hollywood Smile. I'm really looking forward to the next few months at work, it's going to be exciting times. I'm going to work my butt off and I'm looking forward to the rewards of the hard work. Towards the end of November Boy will turn 18. He will be an adult. Able to vote, get credit, continue in education, get a job. As he takes his place in civil society, I'm still amazed at the wonderful person I had a hand in creating and guiding.

This last year I learnt to enjoy my own company. I learnt to value the silence. Will I find love and companionship this year? Don't know. The Universe may or may not have plans for my love life this year. Until then, I'll be dancing one step at a time, smiling and feeling good for no reason at all.

Getting Back on the Horse (again)

How goes it with your New Year's resolutions people? Mine have been an epic fail for the last four weeks. Epic Fail.

In the last four weeks, my Davina dvds have been languishing on my shelves, my meditation cushion has been un-sat upon and my lungs have been wheezing like a blacksmith's bellows. I'm going to give myself a break here. The last four weeks have not exactly been problem or Drama-free, shall we say. That said, I suspect the Drama has only just begun to unfold and I need to be fighting fit for it.

I saw a magnet recently that stated:

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the little suckers learnt to swim!

And so, I try again. I have limits about the exercise regime I can embark upon because I'm off to London for 10 days. That's fine. I'll do some before I go and get stuck in on my return. I dusted off my meditation cushion and planted my backside upon it. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's true what they say about meditation, it really does make a difference. It gives the chattering monkeys in my head something else to do and gives me a welcome break.

I know how much better I felt for trying and doing. I know who I want to be and I know how I want to feel. This isn't it. Lungs full of sludge, feeling dumping and lethargic. So, I can whinge or I can get back on the damn horse until I learn how to ride it.

Excuse me, I've got to go put some riding boots on.

A Bit of a Re-think

So Ladies and Gentlemen (and Dave), guess what?! It's the end of February. Yep, that's right. We're now two months down in 2011 and another ten to go. How're your resolutions faring? If your answer is 'WTF is she talking about? What resolutions?', I suggest you pour yourself another double, light your fag, sit back and relax. Don't worry, I've got enough energy and bounce for you too.

This is the end of the second month in which I made my resolution to do just one thing: stop thinking about it. (Yes, I know I'm repeating myself, have a little nap, I'll wake you up when there's a new bit) and do it.

In this time, I have started exercising regularly, time and aching muscles permitting. I also stopped smoking (ahead of schedule, that was supposed to be on the agenda for March). How do I feel? Actually, pretty damned amazing. I can't say I feel amazing physically. Looking at my wobbly bits, well, they're still wobbly and despite it all I've actually gained weight and it isn't muscle. Surprisingly enough, I'm losing my morning cough and I can breathe much more easily. I feel great in that I've done what I set out to do. Just doing these things for myself has made such a huge difference to my mood. I realised I can make a difference to me. It's opened up other possibilities as well. If I can do this small thing for me, what else can I achieve when I set my mind to it?

Hmmm....

At the moment, I'm having a bit of a re-think. February was supposed to be about meditation, instead I dealt with V-Day and stopped smoking. This means March is wide open. I could either do meditation, or see what crops up and go with that. Don't know. But that's okay. I've got a huge pile of reading to do in the meantime. I'm doing some research on NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), I'm enjoying what I read and want to learn more.

February Resolutions

So, how's it going with those resolutions people? Apparently, if you do something regularly for a month, it officially becomes a habit.

I sit here, still absolutely exhausted from the hour's worth of Davina workout. I'm still not convinced by the exercise argument. I'm knackered and I'm rapidly discovering new places that ache. I really want to crawl back into bed, but no can do. I'm off to the pictures in a bit.

January was all about getting into the exercise habit and seeing to my health. I haven't quite got to my goal of at least 30 mins worth of exercise every day. But I've taken the 'sensible' view as I haven't exercised regularly in years, if I build up to it gently, I'm less likely to hurt something and then stop. My knee causes me some concern. It really doesn't like squats and lunges. It's been aching quite a bit. There's a balance to be found between pushing it to build the muscle around it and pushing it too far. My dishy osteopath agrees with my sensible approach and when I saw him Friday, he's asked to see me again in the coming week. Working my shoulders really is seeing an improvement in keeping them away from my ears and keeping my neck pain-free. Result.

You'll be pleased to hear, I passed my health MOT. Bloods and everything else within normal parameters. I certainly was pleased. My genetics conspire against my love of everything fat-laden and I was concerned that I would be seeing a nutritionist in the very near future. A life without butter and double cream, is bleak for me. However, being more aware of the fats I consume has lead to making better choices (sometimes) of what goes into my mouth (I can't wait to see what smutty comments I get for that sentence, but I'm leaving it in).

Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll notice that I've not made any mention of my weight. This is deliberate. Generally speaking, my weight fluctuates by about 7lb at a time. In the grand scheme of things, according to the BBC BMI calculator, I'm the lower end of the normal curve for my height and weight. What I'd like to do, is stop that weight fluctuation. I'd like to cook good food more regularly. But frankly, one thing at a time.

February is all about my mind. This is the month I want to start meditating regularly. To this end, I have myself a cushion and a mat and tonight, I'll kick it off. The Buddhist meditation I've been reading about isn't about making your mind blank, it's about developing focus and concentration. So, that's this month's goals sorted. This is what I will be doing.

It's funny, just by changing one thing in my life, I feel far more confident. I can do the things I set out to do. Small steps, not giving up, not beating myself up, makes such a difference.

March will be about giving up smoking.

April will be about eating good food. Small portions, regularly. I will be pestering you for ideas in April, you are warned.

I am making this up as I go along. It seems to be working so far.

Week 3 of New Year's Resolutions

So, how's it going people? Reverted to the chocolate, alcohol and fags again? Or are you holding strong in the face of temptation?

At the end of Week 3 of my resolution of Stop Thinking and Do, I continue to exercise. Yes, you read that right. I am still at it. I'm still huffing and puffing through my workout dvds. This week has been a bit of a challenge. Other things have required my attention, but the good news is, the thinking led to action. Amongst other things, my pile of laundry is at least currently limited to the laundry basket. When the week started, it was creeping across my floor. Ladies and Gentlemen, let me assure you, dirty socks chasing The Cat around the bedroom at 3 am is not conducive to a good night's sleep.

As January rapidly hurtles into February, next on my List of Things to Do, is meditate regularly. I want to get able enough to do at least 30 mins of exercise a day and then to parcel some time for meditation. Last year, I purchased a book called A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield and I've been slowly making my way through it. It is not at all New Agey. No quick fixes, no 'follow my wisdom and you too shall live a Perfect Life'. This book addresses the perils and promises of the spiritual journey. At the end of each chapter there are meditations to be followed. 

Now, we all know I'm a lazy shite. I can sit and appear to do nothing for hours on end. What's actually going on is me obsessing. Picking at an issue like a vulture going over roadkill. Any hint of having to make my mind go blank, tends to lead to this internal dialogue:

Focus on my breathing
Breathe in...my back hurts
Breathe out...focus on breathing
Breathe in...is that someone at the door? When is Boy coming home? Do I have enough time to do this before the invasion of the teenagers?
Breathe out...make mind blank. My mind is blank. Shit. If I'm thinking my mind is blank, it's not blank...

You see my problem? I believe it's called chattering monkeys. I have a whole troop of them living in my head. However, Buddhist meditation give you mantras to repeat during meditation. The idea is I focus solely on the mantra, which works brilliantly. It's much easier to reign in the chattering monkeys if I've got something for them to do. Those meditations have been far more successful and have left me feeling great: I've achieved what I set out to do and my brain has had an hour off. Of course, this means I will be treating myself to a zafu and a meditation mat. I couldn't possibly consider any meditation without either.

Small successes work for me. In the past, I've rushed into things, given 110% and then fizzled out equally as quickly. The endorphins from the exercise have a very positive impact on my general mood. My shoulders aren't cramped around my ears.  I've also noticed that my body temperature has risen, I'm not so chilled internally.

So, that's me. How's it going with you? Come on, share.

Week 2

So, how's it going with your resolutions people?

Personally, I'm finding more difficult to make decisions, not less. I find this somewhat frustrating. Mind you, deciding not to do the laundry or the dishes, is not taking any time at all. Nor is, ignoring the pile of personal admin stuff. Yes, I still think it's ridiculous that admin makes up both of my part-time jobs and my basket of paperwork overfloweth.

However, I have completed one week of exercising. Today, I stepped up the pace a bit. I'm doing a Davina McColl workout. Damned near killed myself too. But I finished it. Okay, so I marched on the spot during the interval training, but I did all of the toning stuff with weights. I have to say the happy hormones are fantastic.

This morning, I achieved a long-term goal. Something I have always wanted to do and have never done. Ladies and Gentlemen, today I touched my toes. Yes, you read right. I bent over with straight knees and touched my toes. How cool is that? Okay, so it's marginally less exciting that Victoria Beckham's pregnancy, I will give you that. But as my gran had been known to say 'small things amuse small minds'.

Your turn, how's it going? Are you flagging yet, or still enjoying the new experience? C'mon, fess up.

Confession Time

I can't be arsed to do a proper blog post this morning. I've got to do a workout, go to acupuncture and then stare at my navel all weekend. But because I'm lazy and curious (not quite sure how these two character traits of mine manage to manifest themselves so well, given they pretty much cancel themselves out), I am going to share my one and only New Year's resolution.

I have decided that this year I am going to Do, more than I Think.

For I have come to the realisation that I suffer from analysis paralysis. I can spend the whole day thinking about what I want to do that day, and do nothing. Therefore, following the advice that it's better to change ONE thing, rather than to change lots of things and get nowhere. This is the thing I'm going to change.

I'm Doing people.

Which brings me to you, Ladies and Gentlemen. What is your New Years resolution? Come along. Share it with us. How's it going? Tell us all about it and we'll provide a bit of cheerleading when the couch comes a-calling.

Aparently, it takes 30 days to form a habit (I read somewhere, I can't remember exactly). So, if we get to 6 weeks, I reckon we'll be doing really, really well. We can have a Resolutions party, with cake and alcohol to celebrate our strong wills.

Excuse me, I'm just off to do my workout.