I am an artist

As I'm still struggling with words, let's do this bullet blogging style. I don't know why the words haven't come back I feel fine in myself, it's simply that I can't write a coherent sentence on here at the moment. I've been deleting drafts all month. Pfft. Whatever. Here's my world in all it's glory.

• I am an artist. 
• It does not feel at all real. I announce: "I'm off to my studio" on Facebook and fall about laughing. Yet, here I am arting away. Artist are as artists do.
• The session with Nicola, my mentor focused my work for the month. I had suggestions of activities I could try, as well as artists to look at.
• Nicola has got me rethinking artists materials and surfaces. I've put away my usual drawing pens and am now using a dip pen and drawing ink. Given my cartridge pen was taken away from me at school because I covered everything except my paper with ink, it's been a challenge.
• One of the suggestions was covering a 10m roll of wall lining paper with my stick forms. I've only managed about a meter and let me tell you, ten meters is quite a lot. 
• It turns out I like using dip pens and ink to draw my shapes. It gives me The Happy.
• I'm beginning to let go the idea of me being a figurative/representational painter.
• In fact, I'm not even sure I can call myself a painter...or that I'd even want to.
• I'm still getting used to the idea that what I'm doing now isn't so much about learning to be a better painter (which I've been working hard to do), but rather my challenge is to explore the length and breath of my artistic practice. 
• My work with Nicola isn't only about how prepare for my application to an Master of Fine Arts programme, our time is also about how I build a solid artistic career.
• I've known for some time that retirement will be something that other people do at the end of their working lives. I won't retire because I intend to create art and (hopefully) to write until I stop making sense or I drop dead. Whichever comes sooner.
• The lack of retirement means I am thinking about creating an artistic life from the foundations upwards. To this end, I've overhauled my morning routine of coffee, social media and squabbling with strangers on the internet. Julia Cameron, author of the Artist's Way strongly recommends doing Morning Pages before anything creative. I've taken this on board and have already finished on Moleskin notebook.
• I'm also working on my meditation practice. My sanity is a precious and fragile thing and daily meditation is beginning to help me keep my thoughts under control. 
• Yoga and daily exercise is a goal I'm working hard for. My physical fragility is a constant source of frustration recently. I want to be out there running and lifting weights again. I miss feeling awesome. It also means I'll be physically more robust in my later years.
• It turns out there's ten years of dust and cobwebs gathered in my brain. My ability to think critically (which wasn't all that great to start with) needs a good dose of WD40 and a massive wrench to get it going again. Anyone got any jump cables?

• I'm working on several projects at once. This gives me The Happy. I like having several different schemes of work to dip in and out of. It means if I get stuck in one, I can hop over to another, giving my unconscious time to resolve the issue. It keeps me from getting blocked.
• As well as preparing for the show next autumn, I've been invited to submit work to an exhibition at the end of April (this April, like April 2017). It's called Sardines & Beer and is being held at Thirteen A in Norwich. I'll be putting in three pieces of work. One is actually Dave's, it'll have an NFS sticker on it. The other two I'm working on now and they will be for sale. I've only got about ten days to get them ready as they've got to be framed. No pressure. No pressure at all.
• The exhibition next month means I've got to get other things sorted like: business cards, website...you know all the marketing stuff I should be all over, but actually have been ignoring.
• I am an artist.
• I've got to think about myself in the world in those terms and that's a bit scary. People believed me when I said I could do this and now I've got to get the mass of ideas from my head onto paper and canvas. Easy peasy.

• The chickens are still in lock-up. Unfortunately, with the warmer weather, they've discovered how to dig. Dave and I moved them to give that patch of grass a break, he glanced out of the window and called me over. On a totally fresh bit of grass, within an hour Scrabble had dug herself a lovely hole up to her chest.
• Bantams are brilliant for getting moss out of grass. If only they would stop there.
• Apparently, I'm feeding the pheasants too much. Dave says their obese. Nonsense. I say they're just puffed up!
• Jenga was kicking up a fuss, when I went to see, the massive cock pheasant was strutting around like he owned the place. I did try to get a picture, but he became suddenly camera shy. 

• It's definitely Spring around here, though I am deeply resentful of the hour lost to British Summer Time. I don't care what the clock says, it still feels like 5am when my alarm bloody goes off.

Well, that's enough for the moment. In my typical fashion, once I got going I was fine. Ah well. Let's try this again next week, shall we?

Oh for a quiet life...

Yesterday's To Do List was properly hijacked when I staggered out of bed at 7.30 and side-swipped the door jamb with my little toe. There were a few minutes on the floor as I  clutched my foot and swore. I wondered if I'd managed to do myself some serious damage, as it hurt so much. The day was then mostly spent with my feet up and keeping Boy company on the sofa. He was feeling very sorry for himself as he'd picked up a cold from work and wanted to die quietly. We had a lovely day. Me moaning about my foot, Boy snorting the contents of his nasal cavities into a box of Kleenex. That was as exciting as yesterday got. We retired to bed.

Just after midnight, a thump in the hall got me up. Rummy obviously decided I needed a bunny snack during the night. He was particularly miffed when I relieved him of said bunny and put it outside. Not as miffed as the bunny, who for some reason, did not want to be part of our midnight feast. Strange that.

I went back to bed.

I heard Rummy come in through the window about half an hour later. He did not walk as he normally did. It sounded like he was dragging something with him. He was. Rummy is nothing if not committed. He was determined that I should have bunny for midnight munchies. Despite what I, or the bunny thought of the idea. This time, when I relieved him of the very pissed off bunny, I closed the window behind it, so Rummy had to stay in.

This morning, I staggered very carefully out of bed to the hall - I can put tentative weight on my foot now, but let's not go as far as proper shoes just yet. I was in my onesie. The little feral cat's face greeted me. I went out to feed her, but she was more interested in being sociable, than in the food. Either that, or it's just not the caliber of food she's gotten used to. Though where a feral cat that subsisted grass snakes, gets off in being snooty about the food she's given, is a bit much. Especially, before coffee.

I limped across the room, glanced outside and did a double take. There was a massive black and white cow eating Z's plants in her newly created garden bed. I couldn't find Z in her home. I poked my head around Boy's door and said the immortal words "Get dressed. We have a cow situation." 

He's obviously still a city lad, because it took a few moments for him to process that information. And even once processed, he didn't quite move for shock.

Happily, by the time I hobbled out there with my big stick, Z was ushering cow away from her potentilla and back into the field. She is truly unflappable. Seeing me, in my onesie with a big stick, Boy's shoes, before coffee ready to take on an errant cow, didn't faze her at all.

Then Eloise, Z's new puss decided to come and visit. 

"What's this?" asked Eloise.

"I just want to eat my breakfast in peace," said Boy. "Is that too much to ask?"

For the rest of this post, Rummy is hereby known as Grumpy McSwipeypants. 

He didn't take kindly to this invasion and got steadily more and more bad tempered until he swiped at Z, when we went to visit, and she was only trying to be sympathetic to his plight. I shuffled him back to mine soonest after that.

I think he's since forgiven me for encouraging Eloise. He brought me a small rodent for breakfast.

And no, before you ask, I don't find living in the country boring.

My What Life...

I woke this morning with a poem. A bemused Rummy watched impassively as I scrabbled around for a pen and paper to scribble it all down before it faded too much. This is the third this week. They keep coming. I can't keep up.

After Dave gave me a huge amount of art supplies, he suggested I sign up for an art class (or two). As he put it, why spend an afternoon in the library, when you can spend six months in the lab? I took his point. The course is a beginner's everything art course covering all possible materials over five days. It's at the end of July. It's ages away. In the meantime, I am experimenting. It's incredibly happy-making.

my dining room table is under there, somewhere

After my rather rude awakening, I was moved to take some pictures to sum up what life is like right now for me. Zoe made herself available to supervise me planting melons in her greenhouse. The hardest part was to try and make everything chicken-proof. The velociraptors like nothing more than to have a good rummage through piles of newly added compost or dug earth and can uproot plants in their efforts. We managed.

Got my melons out. I know they look a bit floppy. Don't worry, they'll perk up

I also planted out a few squashes into the walled garden. I've got far more plants than we need, but thanks to the slugs and my attempt at staggering the sowing, they are at various stages of growth. If you like spaghetti squash, let me know. There will be quite a lot, despite the slugs and snails doing their best.

Bungay has a market on the Buttercross every Thursday. I was seduced by a huge bag of bitesized peppers. It was only £1.00, for at least 30 of the little yummies. I collected the seeds and planted up a tray-full. Dave was uncertain any of them would germinate, they are after all, commercially grown. I was expecting only a few plants. Hah! All but three popped up and now I've got pepper plants everywhere. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them all. I have no idea what the peppers will be like, but I'm up for the surprise. 

tomatoes to be

I didn't start this year with any of this in mind. Not really. With the space to breathe and play and indulge my creativity all sorts of weird things are happening. After a great deal of consideration, I've put the counselling course to one side. Right now I want to explore what makes me happy, what makes me thrive. Creativity in all its guises is certainly doing that. There's a little ball of contentment in my chest these days, even when I have difficult days. 

What do I want to do when I grow up? I don't know. Every time I think I know, it becomes shapes in smoke. I'm going to have to do something soon for an income, I think I'm going to follow Zoe's advice and do something innocuous to leave my creative brain the space to keep exploring. It's funny but at this point, all I know is what I don't want to do. I've got a vague idea of what I do want to do and a heck of a lot of hope that it'll all come right in the end. Wish me luck.

oriental poppies, they self-seeded everywhere and the bees love them. I do too.

Randomness

Sometimes stringing thoughts together and following them through is asking a bit much and as it's still early this bright Monday morning, today I blog in bullet points.

• I am holding the fort while Z is canalling in Wales, this means the menagerie are my responsibility. This means chasing the velociraptors around the cows
• In order to better chase the velociraptors around the field with the cows, Dave bought me a thumb stick. I look like a proper fake country person now
• The velociraptors like bananas, but not cabbage 2 days in a row
• They don't appreciate my fumbling under them for eggs.

• It's Spring here
• Last week, I found myself going through my wardrobe and removed 3 bags of clothes
• Over the weekend, I found myself going through my chest of drawers and removed all the old pants, tights, socks and vests that I never wear
• Last Monday, I had no intention of doing any of that. I still have one more section to sort out. I'm not ruling out the possibility it'll happen today. Or not
• Dave and I re-arranged my place for the Summer. The fireplace has been cleaned within an inch of its life, I dusted and hoovered
• My desk is now back in the study part of my bedroom
• Where it was in my front room, is now my art area.

• I also sorted through my herbs and spice cuboard
• It was well overdue, there were two packets of ground cinnamon, both out of date
• I go to an ethnic supermarket in Norwich and buy everything about half the price of mainstream shops, for more of the product and chances are it's far more fresh
• I finally got around to labelling my jars. Something that makes Dave very happy
• Apparently, it's been a source of frustration. I think there are times when he's not very adventurous
• I thought that having 4 different types of oils and vinegars was a bit hipster
• That was until I chatted to La Diva Cucina on Facebook
• It seems I have a way to go yet.

• A walk into town on Thursday made my knee grumble to an extent I started limping
• It has been grumbling off and on before I went back to the gym, I thought strengthening it up would sort it out. It hasn't
• I went to my osteopath who turned it this way and that, stretched everything out and got my back to make the noise
• It's a tendon injury, not cartilage
• This is good news
• The bad news is, I mustn't load it. No deadlifts, no squats and I am to do exercises to strengthen the patella. He also suggested sports massage
• Sports massage, for the uninitiated, is not the gentle stroking with candles, incense and whale song playing as you sigh with pleasure
• If you're not crying during sports massage, they aren't doing it right
• I'm not looking forward to it
• However, I want to deadlift sooner rather than later.

• My work-out appetite hit me last week
• Now, if I need to eat - I need to eat NOW
• No more waiting until lunchtime for the first meal of the day
• I've also noticed my portion sizes have increased as well
• As long as I keep working out as hard as I have been, I should continue building muscle mass, rather than fat
• It's quite nice being able to eat without evaluating every calorie.

• I went into Norwich last week. Twice
• My friends who live in Norwich are good people and I love them dearly
• But Norwich has turned into a festering pustule
• There are more Big Issue sellers than there are corners for them
• The sign indicating the Food Bank drop off point, took me by surprise
• Shops I was expecting to go to, have shut
• The levels of aggression of people walking around the city centre at lunchtime, was breath-taking
• The trickle down effect of the economic recovery doesn't seem to have reached the Norfolk capital
• I remember twenty years ago, I would walk around the city at 3 am if I couldn't sleep (when Boy wasn't with me obvs)
• I don't much like how the city has grown up. Part of the Plan was to move back into the city after Z moves on from here
• That part of the Plan has now been crossed off.

• When I was in Norwich having my teeth cleaned, Rummy had his butt seriously kicked
• Sadly, it has knocked his confidence considerably and he is very hesitant about going out
• It didn't stop him squaring off with Benji the dog
• If I get hold of the bloody cat, it's going to discover what a real arse kicking looks like.

• Problem with my plotting became clear as I tried to explain it to Julia (who must be worshipped) 
• I will get the issue resolved this week, but won't begin writing until next week
• This week, with the fort holding and the fact I am going to visit Boy in Lincoln, means my week has become fragmented
• I am visiting, shopping, velociraptor chasing, cooking and being generally creative in the intervening period
• Next week, I write.

Hello February

When January began, I had everything all planned out. I wrote in my diary the time table for getting fit. I planned out my first novel and wrote down when it would be completed. I was waiting eagerly for the start of my Introduction to Counselling course. I was exceptionally nervous and full of doubts, but ready to go for it.

And then I went back to work at the office.

I've been at Insight for over 4 years. It is the longest I've ever worked anywhere. Ever. It's been absolutely brilliant. No two days have ever been the same and the people are brilliant (if slightly bonkers, which is probably why I got on there so well).

After the first couple of weeks and the start of my counselling course, I realised it was time. Those two weeks I was distracted and grumpy and tired because my heart wasn't in my work. Neither was my head. The counselling was course was everything I'd hoped it would be and more.

I took stock of everything I want to do this year and where I want to be at the end of it. I realised there was only one thing for it: I had to go for it. 

I have to put my energy 100% behind the training and the professional development that will put me on the path to becoming a fully qualified counsellor. I have to put my energy 100% behind the three creative projects that have been rumbling around my head for years, to move them from my imagination and into the world. 

A couple of weeks ago I handed in my notice. Last Thursday was my last day. In between me handing in my notice and my leaving working, I hardly slept. During the day, I've been focused on making sure I left work in as tidy a fashion as I could. But at night...well, that's when everything hiding in the crevasses all day, came out to play. Plans, hopes, fears. Everything.

I only started sleeping properly again a couple of nights ago...

The last few days have been busy as well. There's the small matter of my tax return that needed to be filled in. And then, there was my Yuletide present from Dave...a gin making afternoon at the Adnams Distillery in Southwold.

But that's a blog post for another day...

In the meantime, I've be rearranging my working space. Dave being his usual lovely self, gave me a new desk. I'm now working in my front room as it's more comfortable. My study space is now being turned into my exercise area. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm more than aware that if I am to achieve everything I hope I can this year, I've got to be healthy and well. 

I am going to be 45 this year. The clock is a-ticking. There is no "safe" choice in life. Everything comes with a price and safety is the most expensive choice of all; one, I have never been very good at paying. It may make my life look a bit bizarre and haphazard from the outside, but I can't face the slow, living death of un-fulfilled dreams. Far better to take the leap into the unknown and face the consequences.

Life as a journey

It's funny, I'm 44, technically (statistically) I'm at the mid-point in my life. I lost the first 20 years of my life growing up, doing school things, leaving home. The last 24 years has been a bit of a mish-mash really as I managed to fly in the face of any kind of life-stage planning. I really did things in a mixed up manner: left home, got a job, got married, had Boy, started a degree, got divorced, finished degree, got a job, hated job, started a degree, got a job.

My work in marketing at Insight has been the longest I've ever worked anywhere and it's fast getting to the point whereby I'll have been there longer than I was married! The only constant in my adult life has been Boy. The flat was a constant for 15 years and I'm not at all sorry to be shot of it. I'm only sorry I didn't get shot of it when I first moved out, I could have used the money to invest in another property. But there you go. It's easy to say that in hindsight. I obviously wasn't ready to let it go at that point. I still had romantic illusions about it as a home. I can't wait for it to be sold. I've been told that's likely to be in 3-4 weeks time. I don't see it myself, but it will go. That's all that matters right now. It will go. 

Driving home today, I realised I'm quite excited about the future. I'm looking forward to next year, even though it's a big, blank sheet of paper. I think that's why I'm so excited. I don't know the way Life will unfold, it's just a bud right now.

2014 sucked arse. It really did. It's got another few weeks before it permanently buggers off, to bite me again, but I'm keeping it on a short leash with a stick close to hand. I think about that amazing New Year party we went to and how I felt...you'd think with such a great start the year would have been awesome. But no. 

On the whole, I have few regrets, remarkably few experiences that make me cringe. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, that's not a bad thing at all. Especially since I'm not going to get a do-over.

I attacked my monobrow this afternoon. The magnifying mirror might be a necessity for tackling the caterpillar above my nose, but it doesn't half show off the wrinkles and parts of my skin that are struggling with gravity. It seems I'm no longer 21. Who'd have thought eh? Hah!

As the years go by, I realise how comfortable I am being me. I don't have a typical Life Path and I certainly couldn't cope with it, even if I'd have had a serious opportunity to do Normal. In fact, I'm not sure what "normal" is anymore. Perhaps there are some "normal" people out there...I bet they don't blog.

Anyway, after having spent the majority of my day writing, I'm going to blitz my soup and see if anyone wants to share. I don't intend to get dressed tomorrow, therefore, if you don't like onesies, don't call round!

Been and Gone

Last Friday, Z very kindly let me build a bonfire in her garden. In the final preparations ahead of the move, we'd talked about the possibility of my 'borrowing' her back garden to set fire to some old diaries, journals and coursework from my creative writing degree. When I looked at the amount of space these journals and diaries etc were taking up, I had to stop and have a long think as to why I continued to hang on to them. 

I had a shelf full of hardbacked art journals filled with the results of endless tarot readings. When I started going to creative writing courses, I started to do my 3 pages a day to write the crap out of my head. Pages and pages of dross. These books were filled with relationship problems and my relentless search for a life partner. Dull, dull, dull.

I lugged them through 3 house moves and I refused to make it a fourth. 

After all, it's not like I ever referred to them for information; and actually, looking at them from over here - I know that was me then, but it's not me now and they are entirely irrelevant to my experience of life now. 

The great thing about the Past, is that's it's been and gone. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I survived! Not only that, I'm sitting here getting ready to kick off the next part of my life - that as a woman with an independent Boy. Do I need to re-hash all that shite? No, not really. If ever I get the urge, I can always dip into the archives of my various blogs where I grappled with and agonised over The Meaning of Life.

As we stood watching it all burn, Z and I talked and toasted the flames. She asked me how I felt, if going through the ritual burning made any difference.

I don't feel any different, if I'm totally honest. I do feel grateful I no longer have to lug those damn journals about, but no, I still feel me. Me at 43, still writing, still working, still being a lover, a friend, a mother. Still absolutely bloody skint (but with options). I'm a bit tired, a bit apprehensive about the whole financial thing, I'm wondering how the parent bit will turn out when Boy goes off to university.

Ultimately, as the year has progressed, I am more and more focused on achieving financial sustainability through my writing and I think the foundations are nearly set and ready for me to start seriously building. Autumn and Winter will find me alone, pounding the keyboard of my laptop, deep in thought. 

I'm really looking forward to it. The next step...

...And Counting

This is going to be a blog post in bullets and in no particular order. I don't think I have it in me to construct a coherent sentence, but I'm desperate to write something.

• This is the last weekend in this house and I've hardly been here. It's very weird. Boy disappeared off to London and in a way, it feels like he's already left home.
• I spent 2 hours looking at curtains for the flat. I came out of the shop with 2 plastic boxes and 2 lunch containers.
• The exercise has worked! On Friday evening, Dave took me for a bike ride. It was the route that previously took me hours...I did it in 40 minutes and when we stopped, it was to look around. I think I surprised him somewhat.
• My butt still hurts from the bike ride. 
• I am really rubbish at DIY. Tomorrow, it will be the third time I try and get the kitchen right.
• I have way too much shit in my house. Why do I have so many knick knacks? And stones. What is it about stones?
• The flat is beginning to feel like home again. Even if it is filled with DIY detritus and has nothing of mine in it yet.
• My neighbours are pleased to see me move back. It's really touching how they have all come up to me in the last few weeks to have a chat, to welcome me back.
• When I first rocked back to the flat, I was shocked and appalled how badly maintained the outside was and spent half a day cleaning and clearing up the communal area. A couple of weeks later the family downstairs cleared out the patch of ground behind them.
• The Cat knows something is up and is stressing. I'm concerned how she'll cope with the upheaval. Heck. I'm concerned with how I'm going to cope with the upheaval.
• I'm putting the stuff I don't want outside the house, so people can help themselves. I don't have the time to spend cataloguing and flogging the stuff on-line. Also, if someone needs it and can use it, why not?
• Acrylic nails are brilliant. I'm on my third set and they are lasting so well and it's lovely having good nails, even if they are covered in paint.
• In the next 5 days, we will have finished the renovations on the flat and moved. 
• If the previous statement doesn't show the power of positive thinking, I don't know what will.
• Realistically, I'm going to move and then have about a month's worth of niggling tasks to finish off. 
• I worry that the month's worth of tasks will remain unfinished for years.
• I am desperate to get back to writing and working. It feels like my Life and Plans for World Domination have been on hold for the last 3 months. Not to mention the money that has been leaking from my bank account.
• My hayfever is appalling at the moment. My eyes itch and stream. Ugh.
• I beat sinusitis last week. I'm so chuffed. Though I definitely can't recommend anyone else snort Tea Tree Oil. I think I broke every aromatherapy rule with that one. But I'm still here and I'm not coughing up the greenies anymore.
• The most difficult part of moving will be my study. My Goddess do I have a lot of crap in here and no, I mustn't lose anything. And that's not even talking about half of the books!
• I have this week off. Next week, it'll be all Go Go Go! at work and then I will spend money I don't have to colour and cut my hair, get some eyebrows and have a facial.
• All this exercise malarky has given me ideas above my station. I'm now thinking of taking up running and martial arts.
• I am genuinely shocked Dave still wants to be with me after the last 3 months. I've leaned on him heavily and I know I've driven him nuts and he's got his own stuff to deal with. I think he's nuts. A sane man would have been running for the hills right about now. Instead, he spends his time contemplating my kitchen and how we are going to tile it.
• I'm not going to worry about healthy eating this week. If I remember to eat at all, it's going to be a miracle.
• I am now just a little bit excited about moving and the next part of my Life. 

Have You Seen My Blogging Mojo?

Seriously, I can't find that sucker anywhere. I was getting into The Blogging Flow and then suddenly...whammy...it was gone.

So whilst I go looking for it, here are a few things I've been doing:

- working for a living. Yes, I've been turning up at the office and they've been paying for the pleasure of my company. I've been doing extra time, which my bank manager seems pleased about, I'm just behind everything else. It's actually been fun, apart from the fact I lost February. Don't ask.

- reading. I have been reading more. I realised I had got so focused on writing, working and social media, that reading had gone out the window. I paid off a chunk of my credit card and then thanks to Amazon, it went back on again. I think I'm a slow learner when it comes to money. I'm just not getting the hang of paying off debt and keeping it off.

- annoying Boy. We've been hanging out, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from Season 1. It's all good.

- thinking about exercising and losing weight. Yes, I'm still thinking about it. I'm just as much as I was at the beginning of the year, except I'm grumpier about it all. Lawrence has foolishly agreed to take me cycling around the countryside. I say 'foolishly' because I'm not safe on a bike. If only the damned weather would improve; there is no way I'm going out in snow, ice or rain. Hence, we've only been out for 5 minutes so far since we agreed to cycle together about a month ago. 

- procrastinating writing. I had cause to go back a month of status updates on Facebook and was somewhat chagrined to read I was supposed to have edited my novella over 4 weeks ago. It hasn't happened and I haven't written anything new. No, I still don't know what happened to February.

- eating out. I love eating out. Unfortunately, catering experience and hanging out with Lawrence means I've turned into *that kind of food critic*: the critical bitch who sniffs at everything. However, given how little money I have to spend, when I do spend it, I want it to be delicious, served up in amenable surroundings and be value for money. Is it too much to ask? Apparently so.

- putting on make-up. I have two extremes for personal grooming. 1. I won't leave the house without a full-face of slap. Go outside without my Face on? Are you mad? I'd sooner leave the house naked....and 2. See, I made an effort, I brushed my teeth. A pop-psychologist might suggest it's a reflection of the state of my self-esteem. Actually, it's not. There are some days when I know I'm tired and run down and look like shit, so put on make up. There are others when I'm feeling gorgeous and sexy and can't be arsed to. And both opposites can hold true. Lawrence doesn't care. I've asked him. He told me. 

B.B creams are all the rage, so I thought I'd give some a bit of a go. The Garnier one is very shiny, the L'Oreal one very matt. Have they turned me into a 24 year old? No. I am still 42 with the beginnings of canyons across my forehead (when it's not hidden by my hairline) and a lot of laughter lines. We aren't going to talk about the loss of elasticity in my cheeks.

I'm aware that none of these products will make the slightest bit of difference. At the end of the day it's pretty much down to genetics as to how well you age. But the creams smell lovely and are nice to use. I suppose I just like playing with them.

Now that summary is out of the way, hopefully my mojo will come back.

Remember Me?

I used to blog here loads? Bore you senseless with my tales of woe? Is it coming back to you?


Yeah, well, I've been a bit busy. Instead of blogging about the kind of Life I'd like to lead, I've been leading the Life, I'd like to have time to blog about. I confess that a lot of it, I blame on Lawrence. We've been going out to see loads of small, live gigs. I might be wrong, but I think he worked out that we saw about 8 acts in about 7 days. It isn't unusual that we spend more on drinks than on tickets for the gigs (before you say, we usually have a couple of bottles of fruit juice or if we're being extravagant a bottle of beer for him, bottle of beer for me to last us most of the evening). Norwich is an awesome place to live; to be able to see so many great musicians for not a lot of money, well to me that's Epic Winning.


I am also currently flat out at work. This Friday is our annual Vision Day, when our directors lay out their Plans for World Domination. It is going to be an awesome day. In the meantime, I am busy, busy, busy. This weekend I will be clambering into my pyjamas and it's going to take something special or important to get me out of them; I've got books to read, DVDs to watch and a sofa that has been pining for me.


My own Plans for World Domination have had to wait as I've tried to get the other things done, but that's okay, I will be taking a few days off at the end of the month to get things back on track. I've got a weekend course to write and other plotting to put into motion.


Of course my IT issues are still unresolved. The insurance company's technical IT experts looked at my laptop and basically sucked their teeth. When I bought it, I seriously specked it out and they can't pull an equivalent off the shelf at Currys or PC World. This suits me just fine. It means I get another Dell, which I prefer. Before all the teckie people out there start pelting me with buns and tell me how awful Dells are and that there are cheaper models out there...I'm perfectly aware of this, I like them. It's what I want. No one ever got fired for buying Dell and they are fine for  what I want...and they don't fall over because their components are cheap and poorly assembled. I reckon it's going to be at least another 2-3 weeks before the new laptop is sat on this desk. I just need to continue to be patient with my ancient PC, which is doing it's damnedest to cope with all this high falutin, modern shite.


Apart from that, I continue to adhere to my New Year's resolution: listen to my inner wisdom and follow through. It's going well. I'm still smoke free. I can't say I've started to move my wobbly butt yet, but it will happen. I've been cooking more and eating better. Though I'm taking enough multi-vitamins, mineral and other supplements to rattle like a rain stick in the morning. I'm not sure how effective it's all been, except I'm much poorer and my urine is almost florescent, which is nothing if not entertaining in the middle of the night.


So, it's all good here, if busy and knackering and fun. I will do my best to try to visit and blog more. I miss you guys. xxx

Strong Arm Tactics

That's what I did when I did my NLP training in May. I think it was on Day 3, I rang Boy, all bubbly and enthusiastic and told him I was signing him up for the Practitioner's course in October. His response was: yes mum. As it was when I came back and was all excited. Yes mum.

So, we did the Get the Life You Want weekend with Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna, and he suddenly got enthusiastic. He began to see what I was going on and on and on about. His potential began to occur to him. That weekend was great. He met the main trainers, he saw Richard on stage and had an idea what was going to happen.

He stayed with my cousin for 5 nights, but she was having guests, so I booked him into the hotel where the training was going on. When things went tits up with Northern Bloke and my plans for the weekend changed, Boy reiterated how much he wanted to see me.

I changed the room from double to twin and got my butt down to London Saturday lunchtime. It was amazing walking back into the conference hall. There were lots of familiar faces, the trainers and people I'd done the Practitioner's course with were doing their Masters. It was like coming home. And there was Boy in the middle of it. He really made it his own.

The organisers let me hang around. And even better, they let me sit in on the last session, so I could see him get his certificate. It's late and I'm tired and need to get into the bath and bed, so I won't stay too long. But he was so moved, there were tears. We held on to each other and I told him how proud I am of him. He went down there by himself, stayed with people he didn't know very well, he was open to this new head magic shit and he participated. He was up for it!

I am so excited to see where this takes him. The fact that now he realises he has choices. And the first one starts with: how much fun can he have every day.

Get the Life You Want!

So said the e-mail and ad, with a picture of Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna in big bold colour. I had just finished my NLP Practitioner's Certificate and signed Boy up for it for the middle of October. Now, this is where you Ladies and Gentlemen have to give Boy a big-up. He gets this call from me, ranting how fantastic NLP is, how it's going to change my life and that I've signed him up for the week's course in London 6 months later. He sighed, said 'yes' in all the right places and considered getting me Sectioned. I get home, do more fast talking, arm waving and general enthusiasm. He sighs some more and humours me. Then I saw this e-mail. I make a phone call, get out my trusty credit card.

In the meantime, Life happens and then, suddenly, six months have passed and we're off to Wembley Stadium for the weekend that promises to enable us to Get the Life we Want. I won't bore you with the travel details, but I do reserve the right to rant about the hotel. It was the cheapest, closest hotel I could find to Wembley Stadium. Now the thing is, my knowledge of British geography is crap, added to the total lack of distance comprehension and you'll understand my slight surprise at the time it took to get from London Liverpool Street to Harrow, where the hotel was. If I say the hotel was a dump, I'm actually being very positive. It's the kind of hotel you start with the '1950's called, they want their decor back' or as Boy announced after he risked the shower 'the Prison Service rang, they want the plumbing back'. Me? I'm just not that adventurous. The shower had a sign: please rinse shower mat before use. It was black on beige. And as Boy pointed out the Blue Algae shower gel had brown-furry mould growing out the top of the spout. I reminded him this was a daring adventure; he looked at me and said he wanted rescuing.

We got to the stadium early and were processed very quickly. And then the fun began. So many people to hug: fellow students and the training assistants who made the Prac training so great. I found coffee, we got food and waited as the venue filled up. And then Paul McKenna strutted down the middle of the audience. And then I watched Boy change before my eyes. He finally got what I've been banging on about for the last 6 months. And he loved it as much as me.

He's always a bit shy around adults he doesn't know. When he does talk, he is articulate and confident, but he seldom initiates conversation. Yesterday, in front of 1,300 people, he put his hand up, got Paul McKenna's attention and told everyone that his goal is to make a documentary about body modification in far-flung tribes. This goal, he formulated over the weekend and hadn't told me about. He's now absolutely bursting with motivation and delight. In a message to me today, he said college wasn't coping terribly well with his new attitude.

As for me? Well, I feel fantastic. It feels like everything percolating has slotted into place ready for my next move. My next move? Well, funny you should ask; it's all about World Domination.

This is Your Wake-Up Call, Roses

Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems there is a theme for September and it is: Get thy Arse into Gear. Long-term readers know of my previous difficulties with my Bank Manager. Uncaring bastard does not appreciate I need to fund my lavish life-style of sparkly things, fine fragrance, coffee and fine dining. Neither does he recognise my wish to play my part in rescuing the British Retail Industry, which of course, I do from an entirely selfish and caring stand point. I know, I know, always thinking of others over myself and my needs.

This morning, he wouldn't let me use my plastic. Now, until the banks open tomorrow, I won't know why. It might be that it's just a glitch as my account changes from one form to another, or it could be that I've just simply spent too much (cause I do that).

Whatever the cause, it didn't change that lovely oh fuck feeling that swept over me.

I squeaked at Gee and we arranged I could go and whinge at her, drink coffee and smoke half a hundred-weight of tobacco. Because she was being a good friend, I washed and put on clean clothes. I know, I know, I'm such a good friend. But I think if you're going to whinge at someone for self-generated problems, being well presented is only polite.

But as I was throwing laundry in the washing machine, as the bath was running a thought occurred to me. I have a choice here. I can't change the fact my card went NO! but I can change my reaction to the circumstances. I can change my state. So, I did. Beating myself up would be counter-productive and frankly, not very truthful of me. I have loved spending every last penny, the last couple of years. I love my house, the clothes, the sparkly bits and my shiny car. Please don't think I'm living in splendour...I'm not. But for a long, long time I haven't had to think about buying a £30.00 pair of jeans or a £6.00 bunch of sparkly bracelets. I could over-react and run around like a headless-chicken. But I'm not going to.

I am going to continue doing what I'm doing. I'm going to set up my NLP practice, write some courses, tout around for business. This is all about generating a further income for myself. This is about me doing stuff for me.

And yes, I am cutting down on my spending. I'm well versed in living hand to mouth. Lord knows I've had enough practise at it. The thing is, I've needed the last couple of years to focus on me and getting myself sorted. I've come through this period, a helluva lot stronger and more together than I was when I went into it. I have learnt so much about Life, me and my relationships with other people.

The money thing, is not really about lack of money, it's about focusing on my Bliss and putting it out there. It's about bringing everything into alignment: my values and my skills and how I live. It's about not using money as an excuse not to engage with everyday things. It's about not Procrastinating.

I am really excited. It's all about rising to the Challenge. What can I do for myself? Not only that, what can I do to make it Fun? I don't want to adopt the air of a martyr - oh woe is me, I'm broke. Although, my safety-net enabled me to get my head sorted, it also divorced me from my Get Up and Go. I got to sit, stare at my navel and make cups of tea for the Self-Pity Gnome. Yeah, I needed to do that shit then. No, I don't need to do that shit anymore.

Yeah, I'm scared. But you know what? Fear and excitement are right next to each other and they mean I'm doing something different, something a bit risky. And fuck it. I'm going to do it anyway.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Apologies for my recent absence in Blogland. Normally, if I'm not blogging I'm at least visiting all of you lovely people. But this week has been #omgbusy at work. And I've been loving every minute of it.

We had a major event at work...our annual Charity Golf Day. Whilst I've just been on the periphery of the event, my Manager and Other Team Member have been organising this for years between them, I've been picking up bits and pieces to do as well. Not only that, next week, we've got a Client Investment Event to do, which is falling more under my jurisdiction. So, next week is likely to be equally manic.

Which is great. I love that work gets chucked at me out of the blue. I love the hopping from one priority to another. The minute my To Do List has less than 10 items on it, I start getting bored. Last night, socialising with the Great and the Good, people asked me what I did at work. What should be a very simple question. That I don't have a simple answer is why I get off on working there. I don't have a job description. I just do what needs doing and am prepared for the unexpected.

It just means things at home have disappeared under a whole heap of tired. Fortunately, this weekend I only have one committment: I'm off to see an art exhibition. The rest of the weekend will be taken up with pottering, lounging and loafing. My bedroom floor is MIA again. I'm pretty sure I have carpet underneath there, but haven't seen it for awhile. So, the washing machine will be doing it's stuff. I've also got a huge pile of NLP reading to do. My Plans for World Domination require me to start consolidating my learning.

My Mentor cautioned me about doing any other learning or training for at least 6 months after my Practitioner course. If you think about NLP along the lines of computer programming, doing the Practitioner course installed new Operating Software into my neurology. It takes time for the OS to bed in and until it's properly bedded in, you can't really see how things will run. I followed his advice.  After my training I was on an NLP high for about 6 weeks, managed to drive everyone nuts. Life knocked me off the high and I dealt with all of the resulting drama. The difference I noticed was actually quite marked. Personal dramas that in the past would have dragged on and on (and on), I took steps to cut short. Best of all, I didn't get caught up in them. They didn't turn into the self-destructive cycles, they had the potential for. It didn't stop me feeling sad, or cross or disappointed. But they didn't turn into a poor reflection of me.

Now is the time to consolidate my unconscious learning. Bring it to the forefront of my thinking. Hence the pile of books. Goodness, does Amazon love me. Boy and I are off to see Paul McKenna and Richard Bandler strutt their stuff in October. I'm really looking forward to it. The timing seems impeccable, especially given my Plans for World Domination.

I've written all of that and I realise I actually have a huge amount to do in a very short space of time. Ah well. All will be well. It's just a question of pottering around in a determined manner. Yeah, I can do that.

Sunday Morning at Casa de Roses

I sit here, I listen to the music du jour. It will be of no surprise to you, I'm in my pink, fluffy dressing gown, drinking the first coffee of the day. I've exchanged the first lot of casual and fond insults with Gee's brother. I've perused this week's Post Secret's secrets and have already had a little cry, for I have a soft heart and am a romantic sap.

The Boy and his GF are fast asleep. The Cat decides she's had enough of looking at me and wants to go look at them. She scratches on the door. I hear muttering from within, the door is opened a crack, the Cat slips in, the door is shut. I count to 10 and by the time I've got to 7, the Cat is scratching on the door again to be let out. I hear muttering from within. The door is opened a crack, the Cat slips out, the door is shut.

I look at her face, I start counting.

The Cat starts scratching at the door...

I think it's going to be one of those days.

Life, The Universe, Everything...

Hey people. Did you realise we're half way through 2011? Did you realise we're half way through the half-way through point?

So how goes it with those resolutions? Remember them? We made them at the start of this year. January 2011? Got really drunk? Wrote loads of shit? Ring any bells? No? Well, I remembered mine. Stop thinking about it - do it!

As a quick re-cap...this is what I stopped thinking about:

I stopped thinking about quitting smoking. I quit. I realised today, it's been two months. How about that people? I did it. Took a couple of goes. Every time I stopped, I hated going back to it a little bit more. I don't like being addicted. It doesn't suit my little rebellious self. I don't like being told what to do, even by drugs. Do I miss it? Actually, the only thing I really miss, is the 5 min breaks every now and then. I miss standing out in my garden several times a day. I feel silly doing it without something to do.

I stopped thinking about the fact that I ought to do something about earning more money. I'm incredibly lucky in that my work was able to make the space for me to do more days. I've so enjoyed working 4 days a week in one place, I've been able to get a sense of my own space there, my own responsibilities. It's been awesome.

I stopped thinking I should really get off my butt and exercise. I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling with this. I'm swimming regularly again and that's been great. In fact, I can't get away from the very unpleasant truth: I feel so much better when I exercise. Going swimming regularly really has brought this home. So, I shall keep doing it and find more physical things to do. Any ideas? (the person who mentions Zumba, will have to die).

I stopped thinking about the fact that I want to learn NLP. Yep, I can tick that off my list. I've now got my NLP Practitioner's Certificate. I just need some volunteers to work my magic on. Come on, line up people! As with all things, my certificate is merely the beginning of my journey. I have much, much more to learn and experience.

The single, biggest change that's happened to me in 2011, is the change in my internal landscape. I have taken the very excruciating lessons of the last couple of years and I have learnt from them. Not only that, I apply these lessons to my Life, every day.

Every day I wake up now, grateful for the Life I lead. I am so blessed, so lucky, sometimes it's almost a painful sensation. I have friends who love me, in real life and on-line. I have people around me who genuinely give a fuck and give me their most precious possession - their time.

I've learnt, the very hard way, that Life can irrevocably change in between one breath and the next. Therefore, these moments where I find joy, I revel in them. I take every opportunity to laugh, to hug, to be supportive, to love.

When I think of the time I've spent being negative, being depressed, resentful and disappointed. Wasted time. Time I will never get back again. It's lost. Gone. Forever. I can't do anything about it, but I can do something about this moment.

It's funny, but the change in my attitude has made my life so much more vibrant, more intense. Boy says I seem moody occasionally and he's probably right. The things I feel are more intense because they aren't filtered or buffered by protective layers of shite. I'm learning to risk being myself in the World, really being myself. The Editor in my Head took a road trip and hasn't been seen since.

I'm going to leave you with something I learnt from NLP which sums things up nicely: it's not failure if you're keeping on keeping on. So I'm keeping on with the exercise. I'm keeping on with learning new things at work and in my personal life. I'm keeping on being happy.

Welcome to the Fun Zone

This lunchtime I finally finished The Secret of Being Happy by Richard Bandler. This I started reading as soon as I bought my Kindle, I've been taking it slow. Reading in my lunch hours and stolen moments at home. As reading to finish off my experience of the NLP Practitioner training, it couldn't have been better.

In the book, Bandler gives compelling evidence as to why being happy is necessary for good relationships, sucess in economic activities, and health and wellbeing. It's not only a read book, it's also a work book. There are exercises at the end of every chapter to enable the reader to become happier. Truthfully, these exercises I've already done through my training, but it's always good to see things in print.

I have been the person who had the Self-Pity Gnome, who obsessed, the woman who wallowed. Ladies and Gentlemen, I could have run workshops to teach hippos how to wallow in a muddy puddle, I could have made a fortune. I've spent years wallowing. Wasted time. Especially when you consider what I was wallowing in: drama, depression, dispair. Dull, dull, dull. I made bad, big pictures, lived out fantasies, starred in my own movie all in my head. Not the kind of fantasies where it's me, Robert Downey Jr, a punnet of strawberries, a pint of double cream and a bottle of bolly. Oh no. These were definitely not FUN.

All those years I spent wallowing in a muddy puddle (in my head), I could have been doing obscene things with strawberries with the man of my dreams (in my dreams). I mean, none of it is any truer. It's all about my internal decorating, so to speak. Reality is translated and experienced in my head and my head alone. Occasionally, I share my reality with people...sometimes, not so much.

Anyway, there is a point to all this rambling (there's always a point, be patient I will get to it eventually - like my tax return) I had a lightbulb moment tonight.

I was sitting there, trying to get my head around the exercise whereby I'm supposed to plan my life in 5 years time. Now, I'm not a person for whom long-term planning worked in the past. If you look back at my Life in the last 15 years or so, there's no way I could have planned to be where I am now. I suppose it could be argued that had I had a Plan, I'd have ended up somewhere completely different. I've been flitting from degree to career, to occupation to degree, to job to job to job. In all honesty, looking back, I have no regrets. In the main, I've learnt a lot and I've had fun, not as much fun as I could have had, but fun nonetheless. But now, I'm beginning to think, had I really had a Plan and stuck to it, how much could I have achieved? This is not an exercise to berate myself, yeah, there were mistakes I'd have rather stayed un-made, but that's in the past. I've learnt from it and what is most vitally important now, is how I go forward from this point.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am 41 years old. I might feel like my 18 year old self internally, but the clock is ticking. I have some decisions to make. I've decided to turn the 5 year Plan round a bit. The work I'm doing now is all centred around the following question: HOW MUCH FUN CAN I HAVE IN THE NEXT 5 YEARS?

I'm being dead serious. How much fun can I have in the next 5 years? How many awesome people can I hang out with in this time? How many great memories can I make? How many times can I make Boy laugh? How many times will The Cat purr for me? How many times can I hold my friends close? How many times can I flirt with guys? How many times can enjoy my garden?

I can't think about this too much, my head starts to hurt. I'm breaking it down into bite-sized portions. That's what my work is all about this weekend. This weekend, I am going to be answering these questions.

And to kick it off: tomorrow I pick up my Funmobile and in the evening it's the Supper Club. I'm really looking forward to it, the menu looks totally awesome and I can't wait to see everyone there.

Shiny Toys

Ah Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession to make, I have sucuumbed. I am now the proud (sheepish) owner of a Kindle. For all of you who I ranted at, that such a thing would never be possible...yes, I know. This lady was indeed for turning.

Nine days in London, away from my library (2 floor to ceiling alcove book shelves, 3 standard book shelves) and I realised I wanted the convenience of having all of that available to me at the push of a button.

I did try to use my shiny, new iPod Touch to read. But the small screen and my fast reading pace made it impossible for me to concentrate because I was constantly scrolling. Yes, I do read fast. I can read a 50,000 page Mills and Boon in an hour and a half, I can read a novel in under 4 hours if I'm engaged.

Having done the NLP Course (and here you were thinking you'd got away with one post not being about the course) made me think about the way I read. For me, reading is an active process. I turn the words into a movie, which I then step into and live out. Any writing which is turgid (which a lot of literature is) or just down-right appalling (think Dan Brown) seriously interferes with this and leads to a lot of grumbling and book flinging across the room. This has it's up sides and it's down sides. It means I when I get 'into' a book, I really enjoy it and interuptions are not welcomed. I've learnt not to read novels when I've got other things to do. Other things to do, tend not to get done. The serious downside to this, is that reading for knowledge acquisiton is more like hard work. You can't create pictures out of Management Accounting for Decision Makers (yes, this really is the title of a book, currently languishing on my bookshelf).

I realise now how much NLP suits my learning style. I really enjoyed that tranced-out learning, letting the knowledge seep into my skin and then letting my unconscious process everything. We didn't take notes during the 9 days. In fact, there were serious words from the speakers when people got their pens and paper out.

I'm getting really curious about how to use NLP more for knowledge acquisition and education. I wonder if it would be possible to explore new ways of learning, using NLP? As someone who thrives on learning and knowledge acquisition, I'm committed to that lovely phrase 'life long learning'. This current UK government seems to be doing it's best to tear down the traditional bastions of learning, so I wonder whether it would be possible to turn this threat into an opportunity?

This is merely a random thought. Obviously, I don't have enough knowledge and experience with NLP to answer these questions, nor indeed have an educational background (I have a learning background). But it's enough to make me start thinking....hmmmm.....

Day 4 of Life post-NLP

I'm really going to have to tone it down. People are beginning to wonder about my sanity. I'm bopping to my tunes in the car to work. Picture me, sitting in traffic having a totally awesome time, all by myself in my car, surrounded by grumpy commuters and that's on the way in.

As you know, I tend to do my best thinking on the move. On the way home last night, I considered the impact of the course on my attitude. I feel all bright and sparkly. But it's not at all forced, which I have had reason to adopt when I've been working after I came back from Trinidad last summer. After all, when I had jobs to do, it was a good thing to put my grief to one side and slap on a cheery face. This feels nothing like that. This feels like my pancreas is smiling.

Richard Bandler, the Man Himself, warned this would be the case. After all, I've redecorated my internal world: it's had a massive clearout, the wall paper has been stripped, walls scrubbed and re-plastered. The dusty, old carpet pulled up and under-floor heating and a wooden floor installed. The windows have been replaced. Everything is more energy efficient and green. It's light and airy.

The thing is that the Man Himself and the Man with the Pony Tail, John La Valle, through their anecdotes, exercises and drills, installed a heck of a lot of optimizing programmes. These programmes are making their way through my neurology, updating, clean-sweeping and deleting. It's going to take awhile before the system settles into it's optimum running. But I feel the changes already. They manifest primarily in my mood; my energy levels, which frankly I can't remember being this up; there's a marked improvement in my creativity at work; my confidence has improved; I'm more productive; I'm looking for ways in which I can become more efficient at home and at work. I'm trying different routes to drive into work; just because I can.

One of the exercises we did, was on changing our responses to people we really, really didn't get on well with. You know, the kind of people who when you hear their name, your teeth start to grind - just the thought is enough. And as for dealing with them in person, think nightmare. Everything goes wrong, nothing is ever good enough, you never say the right thing at the right time, they make you feel stupid. Everyone has these sorts in their lives. I certainly have. I used my main teeth-grinding person for the exercise. I had to deal with this person for the first time since I came back today. Talk about a change. All the anxiety I'd been feeling, disappeared. In fact, I couldn't help but grin everytime we had any contact. This person seemed a bit perplexed that I wasn't my usual self and that confusion was enough to stop them indulging in their usual game of poke holes in Roses.

I've had a lot of fun today and the Lovely Ursus is downstairs with Boy, taking him through his chemistry revision, so I'll be having fun tonight too.

I know I'm going on about this. But I never, ever thought this would be the result. In a way, I had it in the back of my mind, that it was all a bit of a scam. That it couldn't possibly be a good or as effective as the books and literature make out. I suppose I was planning for disappointment. Instead, I spent 9 days with some really amazing people of all ages, from different parts of the world, intelligent, bright. I did things I never thought I could do. When we parted company, although it was difficult, it hasn't felt like 'goodbye and thanks for the fish'. I have loads more friends on FB and it's not just making the numbers up either. We're leaving messages, sending e-mails. I've got a whole new community of people to have fun with. Fantastic.

Note to Self: start looking up synonyms for awesome, fantastic and great. Time to widen the vocabulary.

Day 3 Back in Real Life

It's Wednesday, or as our friends across the pond are wont to call it: hump day. I kinda like the idea of it: cheeky, bawdy and fun.

So, what is Real Life like now for me?

Hmmm....I'm still getting used to it.

I go to bed at night, curled up, very content to be back in my bed. I think about the day that's been and the lessons I've learnt and then I think about the coming day. In the morning, I wake up and lie there, letting every cell in my body wake up as I wonder how much fun, how much pleasure I'm going to have that day.

Yes, I really do that. And yes, it really is a huge amount of fun going through my day, finding different ways to amuse myself. At present, my favourite is turning my car stereo up and getting down to hot summer tunes. I like to dance and it has been known to amuse a car-full of coppers before.

It's really weird, but when I look at myself in the mirror, my reflection is different. I swear I don't look the same. Gee said I look softer, I've lost the tension I've been carrying in my face. Someone else said I look fuller, bigger; not like I've put on weight, but as if I'm finally present here in my body.

I've already test driven my newly acquired skills and it was great to do, for the other person as well as for me. Damn, I'm not half bad.

This is where the learning really begins. This is my challenge. I feel great and it's safe to say that I've never felt a 'great', like this before. I feel really comfortable with me in my own skin. But you know what, the real test will be when Life kicks in. Because how I deal with it, whether I can apply my learning, my new skills and my new confidence to the situation and kick it's hairy arse, I'll know I've really got it. I'm looking forward to the opportunity. I have no doubt it won't be long in coming. Until then, I'll be boogying in my Pride and Joy.