Missing the Words

I can't think of another period in my life since I began my creative writing journey in 2003 where I've lost the Words so thoroughly. It's not that I haven't been creative in this time, in fact, I can honestly say it's been one of the most wonderfully artistic times, but there just haven't been the Words.

Dave begins his radiation therapy on Monday. His fabulous oncologist wants him to do a five week course, five days in the week to knock the tumour back well and good. There is a great deal of concern about how well his bowels will cope with the radiation as there is the chance that they may become paralysed. This would mean a period of hospitalisation and the end of the treatment at this time. 

It's meant Dave's return to his abode outside of Norwich as it will be easier for him to get to his daily treatments from there. I've had a re-shuffle of my bedroom and have incorporated my studio space in it. I also went through my bookshelves and removed two-thirds of my books, keeping only those I am likely to read or are attached to. I now have a plastic crate full and about eight bags of books waiting to go to charity shops. Letting them go was quite hard. Most of my reading these days is genre-based and I tend to download the books onto my kindle out of preference. I find it easier to read on kindle when I can adjust the text size according to how tired my eyes get. And it's not like any of the books are valuable to anyone else. Hauling them around the countryside is an exercise in ego that I no longer have time for. I've known too many people with massive libraries full of worthy books, who were complete tits. I've got nothing left to prove to anyone.

The chickens are fine if a bit of a pain. Canasta decided to go broody again, but with the temperatures being what they were, I was disinclined to let her stay in the greenhouse. I hauled her squawking butt out of there every night and if it got too hot, put the laying bag outside under the damson tree. She got fed up and stopped, but unfortunately all of the hens then stopped laying in the bag. At first I thought they'd stopped laying because they were moulting, they're a scruffy looking bunch these days, but no; they're laying away. I kept them in for a few days and actually, they are laying. Today, I let them out and I'll see what they do. If they keep laying away, we shall have to think again about the arrangements. I can't be having chicks on top of everything else right now (or ever, given Jenga's genetic closeness to the girls). 

You may, or may not remember that this time last year I did a five day artist's skills and methods course and then started a year long drawing and painting course. The five day course led to me falling in irrevocably love with oil paints. I tolerated the drawing and painting course, but had to drop out in January with Dave's diagnosis. I think it must have been April when I thought "fuck it" and picked up my drawing pens and then oil paints. I had to learn as I went along and it was mostly an exercise in frustration. 

Dave lost patience with me and strong-armed me into signing up for a day's course in Oil Painting for Beginners. He also suggested that if I like the tutor, I should ask if they are available for private tuition. He then hit me with the line he used to use on the PhD students in his care: why spend an afternoon in the library, when you can spend six months in the lab? Umm...yeah...okay. 

I really liked the tutor and he seemed to get where I was coming from. We arranged for him to come over and have a look at everything I'd been working on. After he left, I felt quite nauseous. My little shapes, my little obsession spoke to him. He gave me lots of technical advice and his questions made me take myself, my creativity and my art seriously. I'm into the abstract. Shapes and colour in their purest form. Partly because I don't have the skill to do representational art, partly because I'm not terribly interested in representational art. Much of the art scene around here is still life and landscapes. I am booked to do another day's course, this time it's oil outside. I want to know how to draw and paint, if only for when I move on from these shapes. 

Yesterday, I started my four-week mindfulness course. I've never had formal meditation training and I figured this is the perfect time to address this. My mind is like a barrel full of monkeys which is mostly fine during the day, not so great when trying to get to sleep. The past few weeks sleep has been a precious experience. Given sleep deprivation makes me cranky and more vulnerable to daily stresses, anything I can do to help myself right now, has got to be a good thing. Also, because I'm doing this as a course and there are exercises and homework, I have to do it. There are no excuses. Last night, I drifted off to sleep without any difficulty. 

So that's pretty much it darlings. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm pretty sure the Words will be back, so if you could be patient with me, I'd be grateful. I don't take your friendship and support for granted. 

Things that make me Unreasonably Happy (right now)

• Jenga giving it large. He's a fine looking bird, dumb as a brick, but just lovely. 
• Hunters. Thanks to Dave, I now have proper Hunter wellies and they are bloody worth every fricking penny. I never knew there was such a thing as comfy wellies. And they are purple.
• Uggs. While we're on footwear, I need to throw these in there. Dave made the suggestion after seeing how poorly my furry bootie slippers lasted the year. Kept my feet warm, but couldn't take the punishment of living with me. I followed through and bought a pair. As slippers that can take going outside in the dry, they are the biz. Comfortable, supportive and most of all: warm. And no, I won't be wearing them in public, no matter how comfy they are.
• Electric under-blanky. Again, this is down to Dave. He knew I was thinking about investing in one and then he bought this amazing king-sized, double side settings. It's only been about 2 months since I've had it and I still squeal with joy when I go to bed...
• Electric blanky. Blame Dave. He found one. A blanky that I drape over myself when I game or am Netflix and relaxing. It has variable settings.
• Netflix. I've recently worked my way through Jessica Jones, Daredevil, Spectre and Dr Who. It's been brilliant. By the way, David Tennant is frickin amazing and I've still to warm up to Matt Smith, but the episode with Van Gough makes me cry every time.
• My local garage. They sorted out a long-standing issue with my car battery. After the official BMW garage, a mechanic who specialises in performance vehicles and the local garage - all failed. Not only that, they offer 30-day payment terms and fix every make of car (so they now do Boy's as well).
• Bird feeders. I've got two bird feeders out, for nuts and fat balls. As well as the blue and great tits, the feeders attract blackbirds, woodpeckers and robins. And yes, it's true. Robins are the asshole of the bird world.
• Lava lamps. I know they are kitsch...but damn I love mine to bits. If I'm on the sofa, the lava lamp is on.
• Friends. I don't know what I would do without them. The lovely Ursuses, Z and Julia to name a few. That's not including my Facebooking and Blogging friends.
• Friends. I won these from LX. I will be hanging these in my porch. 

• Dave. On Wednesday, we celebrated our fourth year of being together. It's still a bit of a surprise. Four years. Not bad going considering I have appalling taste in men and he is rubbish at relationships. We are still learning new things about each other, still having fun and most importantly, still like each other. I am with someone who accepts me and loves me for who I am, no matter how I am. 
• Boy. He will be home on Monday. I am so looking forward to hugging his big, muscly self. I've missed him so very much. 

The autumn and winter have been hard going. Too many funerals and now, another. Next week, we say goodbye to Zig. I will be holding the fort, but I will light a candle.

Changing Seasons

Time slipped by as it does. Lost in the day to day stuff that makes me a deeply contented woman. Since I last blogged, I've had my head in the sand about the impending doom of my finances and been playing with chickens. I also applied for a job (haven't heard yet) and have been seriously considering my options. The result? I pulled out and dusted off my novel. I came to understand that the issue I was battling with was one of plotting. 

November is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) where the aim is to have 50,000 words under your belt by December 1st. I'm kind of giving it a go. As in I'm focused on my novel this month (and next probably), I want to exit 2015 with the first draft completed. I've had to look again at my WIP (Work In Progress) with a beady eye. I did a bit of cliche culling and that sent me back to research. Last night, I resolved several issues and managed to do some writing. F. Scott Fitzgerald might have been able to write drunk and edit sober, I managed the first, but it completely undermined the start of today. But that's okay. I can work through the evening if necessary. 

The velociraptors are totally lovely and if I'm not careful, become the only focus of conversation. I ended up nursing a poorly chook who got attacked by older cockerels when it was put in with them by accident. The chook ended up spending the day in the crook of my arm as it recovered. I wasn't sure whether the poor thing would be able to see and started to look up chicken nappies, so it could run around the house. Rummy and Z looked at me like I'd lost my mind. In the end, it has made a full recovery. Unfortunately, it has repaid my kindness by giving it large 6.30 last Saturday. It's a bloody cockerel. 

Just a woman in the country

I can't have two of them. I really can't. It's too stroppy with the others and already there are scraps between it and Jenga. When the two of them mature, I can see the scraps turning bloody and the hens being run ragged. It can't happen. I can't even assure Jenga's future, given my accommodation in the next couple of years is uncertain. If I end up moving back into an urban area, a cockerel giving it large at 4.30 am in the summer will not be welcome. Ah well. I just have to be strong and sensible about it. 

In the midst of all of this, I continue to embrace living in the country. Dave spoilt me bloody rotten and bought me proper Hunter wellies. They are amazing. They fit well and are so incredibly comfortable. I see why they have their well-deserved reputation. He also treated me to an electric blanket. Two weeks later and the novelty hasn't worn off. Getting into a warm bed is blissful. I love it so very, very much. I'm thinking about getting a heated throw for when it gets cold, to put over my shoulders as I write.

Last Saturday, I re-organised the house into its Winter configuration. My desk and all my writing materials are back in my front room, with my art materials moved to my bedroom study. The ritual of it is so comforting. I feel ready for Winter.

Polly, Scrabble, Canasta and Jenga

none of them ever sit still for pix

Hello February

When January began, I had everything all planned out. I wrote in my diary the time table for getting fit. I planned out my first novel and wrote down when it would be completed. I was waiting eagerly for the start of my Introduction to Counselling course. I was exceptionally nervous and full of doubts, but ready to go for it.

And then I went back to work at the office.

I've been at Insight for over 4 years. It is the longest I've ever worked anywhere. Ever. It's been absolutely brilliant. No two days have ever been the same and the people are brilliant (if slightly bonkers, which is probably why I got on there so well).

After the first couple of weeks and the start of my counselling course, I realised it was time. Those two weeks I was distracted and grumpy and tired because my heart wasn't in my work. Neither was my head. The counselling was course was everything I'd hoped it would be and more.

I took stock of everything I want to do this year and where I want to be at the end of it. I realised there was only one thing for it: I had to go for it. 

I have to put my energy 100% behind the training and the professional development that will put me on the path to becoming a fully qualified counsellor. I have to put my energy 100% behind the three creative projects that have been rumbling around my head for years, to move them from my imagination and into the world. 

A couple of weeks ago I handed in my notice. Last Thursday was my last day. In between me handing in my notice and my leaving working, I hardly slept. During the day, I've been focused on making sure I left work in as tidy a fashion as I could. But at night...well, that's when everything hiding in the crevasses all day, came out to play. Plans, hopes, fears. Everything.

I only started sleeping properly again a couple of nights ago...

The last few days have been busy as well. There's the small matter of my tax return that needed to be filled in. And then, there was my Yuletide present from Dave...a gin making afternoon at the Adnams Distillery in Southwold.

But that's a blog post for another day...

In the meantime, I've be rearranging my working space. Dave being his usual lovely self, gave me a new desk. I'm now working in my front room as it's more comfortable. My study space is now being turned into my exercise area. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm more than aware that if I am to achieve everything I hope I can this year, I've got to be healthy and well. 

I am going to be 45 this year. The clock is a-ticking. There is no "safe" choice in life. Everything comes with a price and safety is the most expensive choice of all; one, I have never been very good at paying. It may make my life look a bit bizarre and haphazard from the outside, but I can't face the slow, living death of un-fulfilled dreams. Far better to take the leap into the unknown and face the consequences.

Moving on up!

It is done. I have moved. Or rather, it would be more true to say, I have been moved. Frankly, from here on in, that's the only way I'm going to move, unless everything fits into the back of my car. The most stressful thing about the entire experience of moving, was waiting for the removal men. 

I got most of my boxes unpacked the weekend after the move. It has very quickly gone from The Cottage to feeling like home. The rooms are large and airy, with all our things in them, it's so comfy and cosy. I love opening the curtains in the morning. I never know what I'll see. Granted on the days I work in Norwich, I don't see very much at all because it's dark. But this morning there were two hen pheasants perched on my fence looking a bit disgruntled at my interrupting their chat. 

Living out in the Sticks, there's a lot to get used to. The nearest shop is over a mile away. I will have to go even further afield for my larger weekly shops. I've been told there is a Morrisons and Tescos in Beccles, which isn't that far from here. I'm going to have to do a bit of research to see if I can get my hair, nails and eyebrow seen to locally, rather than have to troop up to Norwich just for that. 

The most challenging thing was lack of internet. I'm not bothered about television and haven't missed that at all. No Facebook? OMG! How did I cope?

Actually, the break from my online life was good for me as well. It made me re-think my morning routine and I realised how much time I spent on social media, when I started being far more productive round the house. Nevertheless, I really missed it.

Yesterday, I came home to find my new kit waiting here for me. I expected it to be incredibly complicated to set up. Hell no. The most complicated part of the whole process has been figuring out the best place to put the router. Happily, the xbox can connect wirelessly, so no more cable trailing across the floor and it's not like I'm gaming online so I need to eek out every extra millibyte of speed. 

This morning, I unpacked four more boxes and set up my study. That makes me especially happy, I have to say. I've got the last three boxes of books to go, but they can wait until tomorrow. Right now, I'm enjoying sitting at my desk, staring at the hedge laden with rose-hips and the field beyond it. I may indulge in an afternoon nap. 

That's the one thing I haven't enjoyed about the experience - the weariness. I'm bone tired. I've got dark marks under my eyes and I've got that lovely grey tinge to my complexion at the moment. I am just so tired. Having said that, I'm sleeping better. And as the days pass and I enjoy the routine at work and come back to my new abode, I feel lighter. Much lighter.

I'm so glad I did this. It was such a good thing to do. I'm so incredibly lucky to have the friendship and support from Z, who's been such a star. Boy came home last weekend. He seems far more comfortable here. He couldn't wait to take Z's dog out for a walk and explore. I'm really looking forward to him coming home for the festive season. It's going to be so much fun. 

All in all, I'm doing okay. Less strung out, chilling out more. In fact...I think it's time for a quick nap...

Randomness

Another collection of random thoughts for your amusement and edification:

• I am actually smokin' hot at the moment. I'm unpacked and settled in!
• My bookcases are now more-or-less organised. Not that the organisation will mean anything to anyone else, because we really needed another 3 to make everything fit
• I had a really good day at work yesterday, felt good to start the week off well
• I have spent more time on the telephone listening to hold music as I have tried to get through to everyone who needs to know I've moved
• Saving money on a day-to-day basis requires time and craftiness. It's too easy to ignore things or go for the less tedious option
• Boy is currently all loved up with new GF. Consequently, our food bill has plummeted. I miss him though. Given he's off in September, I'd better get used to it
• I am tired of companies sending me free recycling. I've been cackling evilly, sending back all their marketing bumpf in their freepost envelopes with - NOT INTERESTED TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST scrawled across it
• I like the hot weather. I've been waiting for it all year. I am happy
• The Cat is content here. She likes sitting and watching people go by outside
• Pedestrians seem to take an extra dose of Stupid in the hot weather - they wander aimlessly around - slowly
• Cyclists seem to take an extra dose of Stupid and cycle in sandals and floaty skirts One hopes their bicycle chain does not eat toes or fabric
• My admin basket, normally not seen because of all the paperwork overflowing, is now empty. Yes, you read that right. My admin is up to date
• I was hoping to do some writing work today, instead I've been on the phone and sorting out my admin. I'm hoping I will get to it soon. I need it
• I still have no curtains, I may well rectify that today, but don't put any money on it
• My bedroom is now officially called The Bat Cave. I loves it so much! It's so cosy
• I'm enjoying being here far more than I thought I would. I love the fact the Flat is so much smaller and compact, it's the perfect size for me and The Cat
• The hallway is next on the Decorating To Do List, after the other miscellaneous jobs have completed (tiling, curtain hanging etc)
• Apparently, it's going to throw it down with rain in a bit. Excellent. We really need a good rain
• I am content.

Roses

xxx

Totally Loved Up

That's exactly how I feel today. Totally loved up. My birthday messages have been arriving via text, post, e-mail and Facebook. They've been from new friends, blogging friends, family, special people, people I love more than life itself, people I work with, Facebook friends, heck even the woman in Tescos, said Happy Birthday when she saw the cakes and cakes I bought for work.

Talk about feeling great. I can't stop smiling. My boss gave me a lovely card and some sparklies. She really has the measure of me, they are gorgeous. Boy gave me the most perfect card and a voucher to spend on my shiny toy. We're going out for dinner in moment, when I finish blogging and tomorrow we're going to the cinema.

I am so blessed. So blessed by the love and affection of those around me.

Whatever Life has in store for me in the next year, my Path is illuminated by these blessings. I am deeply honoured.

Okay, enough with the mush. I'm now feeling a bit emotional. My advice is turn your mobile phones off, don't answer any calls from me tonight. Take it as read. I love you guys loads. xxxxx

Co-Existing with Other Species

The Palais de Roses is an interesting place to be. You know from your visits here that I have a plethora of new house plants and The Cat and The Boy and a bunch of frogs I've kissed and refused to turn into Princes. Yes, I know Boy is now much taller than me and he's looking forward to his 17th birthday and driving lessons, but he's still The Boy to me, and I suspect he always will be.

But The Boy comes with added extras: friends.

There's his best friend, who quite frankly for all intents and purposes lives here. My couch is his bed most nights. He's so at home here, he puts away the groceries, does my dishes and doesn't mind being roped into gardening duties.

It's not unusual for me to go to bed and there are 2 teenagers stretched out on the floor killing things enthusiastically on the XBox. When I stagger down in the morning looking for my dose of Eine, there can be 4 or 5 bodies snoring gently in my front room.

It's not unusual when I cook, for me to prepare enough food for a few days. Or at least there was when I went to bed. In the morning, the pot is empty. Apparently, they like my cooking. Now when I do the shopping I make sure I get enough snacks in to feed a small army. Let me tell you, 3 or 4 teenagers eat enough for a small army. I'd go as far as to say a Plague of Locusts is nothing compared with a couple of hungry teenagers. They'll go through everything immediately edible and if it's not, they'll get the pots and pans out.

I like da yoof of today. They are lively and fun. They are apologetic if they've got too excited whilst killing things on the XBox and then face the grumpiness of me at 4 am. They'll cheerfully clear off, if I tell them I need some space and come back when I'm sociable. They ask me how my day has been, and tell me all about theirs and the latest encounters with chavs. We have indepth conversations on the meaning of life. I find them generous and caring, behind all the teenager speak. They'll spend hours on the phone with each other. They are loyal to a fault.

These are precious days.

In a few years, these teenagers will be adults. They'll be going off to university, getting jobs, travelling round the world, getting married, having children. That they choose to spend their time here on my living room floor, is just amazing. They fill my house with laughter and fun. I hope in the years to come that that we won't lose track of each other. That they'll continue to visit. Hopefully, with partners and then children.

Summer Solstice

Blessings to you on this Summer Solstice.

May the Sun shine upon you and those you love, filling your life with warmth and light throughout the summer and coming days.

We're off to the beach to celebrate, Norwich Chant Collective stylee. There will be wine, fabulous people and song. I don't know about you, but Life seems hard going at the moment. I'm looking forward to just chilling out and being with the people I love.

I hope whatever your religious persuasion, you also feel the Sun shining on you.

Happy Valentine's Day

Even if I wanted to ignore it, the shops filled with bright red hearts, cuddly toys and balloons, would have made it impossible not to know that Valentine's Day is upon us. Needless to say, there are no boxes of chocolates, balloons, cards or cuddly toys resting on my doorstep. Thank the Goddess.

Any man appearing with cuddly toys, balloons or a box of Cadbury's Milk Tray for me, would need a trip to A&E to remove them from his rear end. I'm not partial to the Forever Friends bears, cards with cutesy doggerel or milk chocolates.

I usually dread Valentine's Day. It's the day when the world rubs my nose into the fact I'm single.

However, this Valentine's Day is slightly different. No, my status hasn't changed. Robert Downey Jr is still very much married and in ignorance of my fabulousness.

For me, life is about connections. The connections I keep, the solid gifts of friendship that supported me through my ups and downs. The connections that keep going through the years despite my best efforts to fuck things up. I might not have a man, but I have many, many people who are committed to me (who occasionally think I need to be committed), who love me, just for being me.

I had a stark reminder today; life is too short to fuck about. Today, is as good as any to tell you, how much I appreciate you being here with me. If I were you, I'd grab your significant other, your children, your parents, give them a big hug, tell them you love them. Don't waste the precious time on games, on fears, on the small stuff.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Christmas Eve

To those of you who have stuck with me from the beginning: thank you, well done and it's good to know I'm not the only one without a Life. To those of you who landed on here this year: it's been lovely to get to know you.

Hottie arrives soon and Boy comes back from his dad's a bit later. And the festivities will truly begin.

Thanks to the snow fall last week and subsequent thaw and re-freeze, I can't get my car out of the drive. The inch and a half of ice, coupled with a narrow drive-way and a gentle incline have conspired to usurp my Festive Shopping. I was most miffed yesterday. Stomping around, sprinkling salt, jabbing at the sheet of glass to no avail.

Not to worry. We have alternatives and buses (hopefully). We will have goodies for Christmas Day lunch/meal/dinner. The duck is waiting patiently in the bottom of the fridge. I'm going to do it with rasberries this year. We'll see how much of that process I remember. The worst case scenario is we end up having bacon sandwiches and tons of mince pies.

So this is the calm before the storm.

I hope you all have a brilliant Christmas, however you choose to celebrate it (or not). Hold your loved ones close this year. They are fragile and precious and you are lucky to have them and vice versa.

Winter Solstice Party

Thanks for braving the foul weather we're having. Boy will take your coat upstairs, come in make yourself comfortable. Have a drink. Have several more. There are munchies on the table. I suggest you get stuck into the mince pies and cheese straws before Dave, XL and Cogidubnus start fighting for pole position underneath. Also, Savannah and Beth will need a space to dance later.

It's good to see you. I hope you have a great time tonight. If you do end up sleeping in the bath. There's a lovely cafe up the road, I promise I'll wake you, hose you down and we'll go have breakfast.

Blessings of the Winter Solstice to you. May the Sun return with Light and Warmth into your life and bring you love, laughter and prosperity.

Annual Rant

I have to say, since I left retail, the festive season no longer fills me with The Fear. This year, I'm really looking forward to Yule and Christmas. Boy and I are in a new house, Hottie is coming to stay for the important days, there will be drunken duck and many bottles of naughtiness. I have my xmas jammies all ready. Hottie says she will be getting hers any time now.

I have already begun the festive shopping. I love Christmas shopping. Looking for the right pressie for the people I love. Even on a desperately tight budget, I still love indulging. Last week I kicked things off looking for Boy's birthday pressie. I'd sorted his main pressie the week before, but I wanted to get him some bits and pieces to unwrap. My problem is knowing where to stop. When I picked up 2 dvds, a book and a CD, I realised I was over-doing it. The good thing is that will go to his Christmas pile and already it's a small pile. Shhh...don't tell him, it's a secret!

The thing is, it's like a treasure hunt. Trying to figure out what he'd like and then scouring the shops until I find it. Sometimes, I go with no idea of what to get him and then as I walk around, I start seeing the things.

Last week, I ordered the duck from the butcher. I don't do turkey. I've said so before, I'll say it again, it's a mutual dislike. Actually, dislike is too soft a word: loathing. That's definitely more like it. We'll get veggies and munchies and fill the house with booze. My poor liver! I think I'll invest in a new tree and decorations.

I was writing this and my jaw dropped. I've been merrily preparing and planning as if it's the most normal thing in the world. Except for one thing: I haven't looked forward to Christmas for years and years.

It's always been a horrendously difficult time for me. In fact, if I'm honest, the last time I really looked forward to Christmas was when Boy was born, that's 16 years! It was around Christmas when the fallout from the disintegration from my marriage really hit. And from that point on, I was always an outsider looking in. Christmas was a time when other people celebrated their families. Bah Humbug. My family was in another country. I didn't have a steady partner/relationship to rely upon. I only had Boy every other Christmas. I was mostly flat broke.

This year, things have changed both externally and internally. We're in a new house, I have Plans for World Domination, I'm not flat broke (for once). During the summer I did some serious Demon Wrestling and Eviction. I'm not an outsider in my life anymore. This year, I have so many things to be thankful for, to celebrate. And the Winter Solstice is the perfect time to do so.

Blessings on the Feast of Samhain

The Wheel of the Year turns again. The Feast of Samhain mourns the losses of the past year and celebrates the coming new year.

This is the time of year to honour those who have gone before. To remember our loved ones and honour our ancestors. To let go the hardships and heartaches of the past year, to take the lessons learnt into the Winter.

I do this every year and I would be honoured if you would join me, by writing the names of those you hold dear, who have died. Please write their names and their relationship to you, if you wish. Or remain anonymous. It doesn't matter what spiritual path you walk upon. The dead are never truly lost to us, they live on in our hearts and memories.

Bambi ~ mother of my heart
Dennis ~ father of my heart
Angela ~ my mother in law
Helen ~ beloved grandmother
Herta ~ beloved grandmother
Tricia ~ my friend
Eric ~ mentor

I miss you.

Wearing Purple

Over the weekend, someone made a throwaway comment about being 40 and living like a student. It suddenly occured to me that I'm getting old. How weird. I mean, I like celebrating my birthday. Like most pagans I'm always up for a good celebration, and events which come with pressies, friends and wine, are just good by their definition. But, I really am growing older.

In my head, my parents' friends were always going to be middle aged, and when I grew up I would then become the same age as them. So it came as a shock when they and my parents, not only aged normally, but then had the temerity to die. How rude!

I look at other 40 year olds, they have careers, marriages, mortgages, children, businesses...they're all so terribly grown up. I've got Boy, Cat and a home, but I don't feel grown up. I just feel more me. Which is difficult to explain, but I think I'm begining to arrive.

Just as my body prepares to go south.

I was sitting in my favourite eaterie this morning, contemplating my cappuccino and I started thinking of 10 things which I have found great about growing older (though the wiser bit is questionable).

1. I am now less concerned about being liked, and more concerned about being accepted.

2. I quite like my appearance. I like spending my time on make-up. Not because I want to be more attractive to anyone else, but simply because it gives me pleasure. It's a treat to myself.

3. I am less of a control-freak. As I have got older, I'm less interested in being sensible and more interested in having experiences. And you know what? I'm still keeping myself safe. I haven't turned into a crack whore, yet.

4. I value my vices. They bring me great pleasure.

5. Being compassionate is far more important than being right. Though I suspect that's still a work in progress.

6. My tolerance for day-to-day cruelty and rudeness has plummeted. Life is too short to waste time on such things. Yes, I'm perfectly aware this completely contradicts #5.

7. Quality is far more important than quantity. I would rather go without than put up with something cheap or substandard. That applies to more than goods and services.

8. I have learnt I can survive the most awful things and flourish.

9. Perseverance. As long as I keep breathing in and out, all will be well. Again, similar to #8, but not quite.

10. And perhaps most importantly, the inadequacey of the word 'love'. The horror and atrocities perpetrated in the name of love...I sit here and shake my head. I have no need of it to be said to me ever again. A bit dramatic? Perhaps. I would rather someone say to me 'you exasperate me beyond belief woman, but I brought you dinner and a bottle of wine', than say 'I love you' and not call.

Your turn, what gems have you learnt while growing older? Make it as funny or as heartfelt as you like. I'm nosey.

Gardening...

I've taken a couple of days off work to try and catch my breath a bit. Strangely, it's coincided with some fabulous weather, which has means I can sit out in the sunshine. I've completely ignored all my Lancome training which categorically states 'Thou shalt not sunbathe'. I turn up my music, open my patio doors, call for the Cat and sit out there, occasionally breathing smoke over the aphids munching my roses.

It has been a very good way to recharge my batteries.

As I lie there, slowly cooking, I daydream about my garden. The grass has got to go, seems bloody ridiculous having a small garden being taken up by a patch of dubious grass. I've got a list of things I'd like in the garden, but haven't got a clue how it'll all fit together.

A bit like life really.

Home

I'm sat here trying to come up with the right words to describe how I feel at the moment.

The last three days have been whizzed past, and by some miracle, there are only 6 boxes left to unpack. Bearing in mind that my books alone were 30 boxes, not to mention many tens of boxes of my crap. But as I look about our new house, filled with our stuff, it feels like home. So much so, I am waiting for someone to leap out and say 'fooled you, it's not yours - you didn't really think you could live here?'

Don't get me wrong, there is still loads to sort out. We might have unpacked, but we're still figuring out the best place to put things. Last night, when Boy cleared off with his mates, I wondered around with a feeling of such bliss, such ease. This feels so right, it's almost scary. This was love at first sight, and I was afraid to trust it, afraid to hope that this could be mine, now I'm here, I just feel incredibly lucky; and thankful.

I have much to be thankful for. Life may not have been easy and things don't go smoothly, but I am thankful for my friends who love me for myself and are open and generous with their time and affection; I am thankful to my Boy, who might be a teenager, but is still truly wonderful and I still think there is sunshine in his bony, little backside; I am thankful for our new home, may we have many happy years here.

I would also like to thank Richard Branson. All of you know how he has brought me despair in the past, from the moment I pick up the phone and wade my way through his telephone labyrinth, I want to consume my body weight in valium. But today, I have to take it all back. Even he came through for me. Tuesday morning, I was on the futon, trying to stay out of the movers way, making as many of the 'we're moving' calls. I gritted my teeth, rang Virgin, got a very nice guy who happily organised a package upgrade, as well as the house move. He told me the engineer would be out between 13:00 and 18:00 hours today. I wrote off my afternoon.

Early afternoon, I was playing with my new washing machine and dryer; the phone rang, it was the engineer, letting me know he'd be with me at 13.30. At 13.15, he knocked on my door. By 14.30, he set me up with a ridiculously fast internet, new tv box and switched on my phone. I did another load of laundry, slapped some gloss on and went to chat up up my favourite BMW salesman (of course he needs to change my address, so all of the fabulous brochures know where to find me).

I am beginning to feel more like myself again, I didn't realise how tightly I was holding it all together. It feels like I'm letting the tension go, one vertebra at a time. For the first time in weeks, I painted my toe nails - hot, sparkly pink. Tomorrow, I go for a massage and a facial.

Life isn't too bad at all, really.

Wishes for Christmas

For those of you working over the festive time - I hope your time in work isn't too Interesting, clients/customers not too taxing and you aren't too far away from friends and family waiting to spoil you rotten.

For the rest of you not working - I hope your time is spent laughing a lot with friends and family and you are either spoilt or are treating others and/or yourself to good food, decent drink and rubbish telly.

Lots of love to you all.

Samhain Blessings

Today is the feast of Samhain. The Wheel of the Year has turned and we're about to embark on another cycle, another round of journeying.

Today, the veil between the worlds is at it's thinnest and those who have gone before are the closest to us. It is said that the dead are never truly gone, if there is one person to hold their memory in their heart.

I would like to mark those who've gone before, and I would like to share this with you. It doesn't matter which spiritual path you walk upon, please share this with me. Feel free to be anonymous if you would prefer. But leave the names of those you would like remembered, and if you feel so moved, their relationship to you.

Those who still live in my heart:

Tricia - my friend
Helen - beloved grandmother
Herta - beloved grandmother
Angela - mother in law
Bambi - mother of my heart
Dennis - father in all senses of the word
Eric - teacher and mentor

I miss you.

Fall Back

Clocks went back last night. Unfortunately, my body clock didn't remember that today is Sunday and I was scheduled for a lie-in. It went off as normal. I woke up and all I could hear was the cat snoring and the rain, when I finally made it out of bed and looked out the window, everything was grey and damp out there.

A good day for the pink fluffy dressing gown. I'm up so early that not even my Facebook friends in foreign climes are awake. So I sit here with my cup of coffee pondering the meaning of life. It's just a bit unfortunate that my brain is so sluggish, I can't even have a good ponder.

Having said that, I'm looking up at my notice boards packed with slips of paper, pictures, song lyrics, motivational affirmations and reminders of the year gone past. Next week it'll all come down as I celebrate Samhain, which is marks the end of this turn of The Wheel of the Year. This year I've changed jobs three times and given up my MA. I still have no idea where my Path lies, as ever I put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. I'm not sure of a great many things, but I am sure of my Boy, of whom I remain ridiculously proud; I'm sure of my friends who remain the guardians of my sanity; and my Viking, who still is the guardian of my heart.

I don't know what the coming turn will bring. I am sure there will be laughter and tears, sorrow and joy. I am hopeful.