Friday, October 31, 2008

Samhain Blessings

Today is the feast of Samhain. The Wheel of the Year has turned and we're about to embark on another cycle, another round of journeying.

Today, the veil between the worlds is at it's thinnest and those who have gone before are the closest to us. It is said that the dead are never truly gone, if there is one person to hold their memory in their heart.

I would like to mark those who've gone before, and I would like to share this with you. It doesn't matter which spiritual path you walk upon, please share this with me. Feel free to be anonymous if you would prefer. But leave the names of those you would like remembered, and if you feel so moved, their relationship to you.

Those who still live in my heart:

Tricia - my friend
Helen - beloved grandmother
Herta - beloved grandmother
Angela - mother in law
Bambi - mother of my heart
Dennis - father in all senses of the word
Eric - teacher and mentor

I miss you.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Fall Back

Clocks went back last night. Unfortunately, my body clock didn't remember that today is Sunday and I was scheduled for a lie-in. It went off as normal. I woke up and all I could hear was the cat snoring and the rain, when I finally made it out of bed and looked out the window, everything was grey and damp out there.

A good day for the pink fluffy dressing gown. I'm up so early that not even my Facebook friends in foreign climes are awake. So I sit here with my cup of coffee pondering the meaning of life. It's just a bit unfortunate that my brain is so sluggish, I can't even have a good ponder.

Having said that, I'm looking up at my notice boards packed with slips of paper, pictures, song lyrics, motivational affirmations and reminders of the year gone past. Next week it'll all come down as I celebrate Samhain, which is marks the end of this turn of The Wheel of the Year. This year I've changed jobs three times and given up my MA. I still have no idea where my Path lies, as ever I put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. I'm not sure of a great many things, but I am sure of my Boy, of whom I remain ridiculously proud; I'm sure of my friends who remain the guardians of my sanity; and my Viking, who still is the guardian of my heart.

I don't know what the coming turn will bring. I am sure there will be laughter and tears, sorrow and joy. I am hopeful.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Working for a Living

What can I say? I'm knackered. This working for a living business is tough. Even though I worked in the office over the summer, so I had some idea of what I was letting myself in for, I have been struggling to make the jump from Orange Woman to Office Biatch.

When you work with women, especially in the Orange Industry, they notice things. If you've changed your lippy, eye-liner or have a new shirt - they'll spot it and give their tuppence worth. I've got used to walking onto the shop floor and be greeted with 'good lipstick'. Now, working in an office, they only comment I get is whether the coffee is too strong. They don't care what I look like as long as I don't turn up in jeans.

Today, I've been hit by the 'am I doing a good job' neuroses? What if they're regretting taking me on? What if they think everything that I've done so far - sucks? My job description changes every day and I'm scrabbling round trying to learn this new sector I find myself in. After all, there really is no difference between £160 face cream and £16,000 eco-heating solution, is there? Today, I felt I was sliding off the wrong side of the learning curve. I'm very aware that this the private sector where they can hire and fire on a whim and I really, really don't want to fuck this up. I want to do my job and do it welll.

When I interupt my hyperventilating, and rationalise, I tell myself that it's still very early days. I just have to do what I say I'm going to do, keep my head down and learn the job. I have to give myself time and trust that they saw my potential, and although I don't feel it at the moment, I will do it. I will achieve my potential.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sporty Little Number

A very quick note, I should be showered and dressed by now, but am still drinking coffee and here, ah well.

I've noticed that driving a sports car I seem to have two distinct different reactions from other drivers:

1. Other drivers expect me to drive like a twat. So when I don't, they're pleasantly surprised and smile; should I drive like a twat and shrug my shoulders and go 'oops' and 'sorry'. They're completely fine about it.

2. Other drivers drive like twats. A red sports car to them is like a rag to a bull. They have to undertake me to make sure they're in front. They have to tailgate me at high speed. Aparently, they have to show how big they really are. Funnily enough, BMW drivers don't bother me anymore. It's the teeny tiny Lotus Elises, VWs and Corsas which seem to have a problem with me. Well, as far as I am concerned as long as they don't do something really silly, I'm happy to oblige them. For they truly are a bigger penis.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Care

Last night I finally got around to doing something that's been in the back of my mind for a few weeks now, I wrote a thank you letter.

Since I started blogging, I've been an avid reader of medical-type blogs. Tom, Mousie - now gone, especially. It made me realise that although I think my GP is the closest thing to perfect you can get in a doctor, I've never said thank you.

I have suffered at the hands of bad GPs. There are some GPs in practise who I would go and get petrol if they were on fire in the street. GPs, who if I was dying, I would sooner see the local vet or take myself off to the mortuary, they were so incompetent, arrogant and lazy.

My GP, recently went up against the system for me. He was insistent I had a procedure done, because given the symptoms I was presenting, he was worried I had the onset of cervical cancer. I've had this procedure done several times and each time it was painful, traumatic and awful. With the NHS system as it is, it's pot luck who you get to do it. There was only one consultant who I felt was trustworthy. There's been a new referral system put into place and I couldn't be guaranteed seeing him. My GP wrote several times to the consultant and in the end rang and argued with him, until he gave in and I got my appointment - within 3 weeks! As it turns out all is well, and the procedure was fine - I'm not traumatised. But my point is - he did all of that for me. Above and beyond the call of his duty of care to me.

People who go above and beyond the call of duty should be recognised. Please do something for me today. Go see Tom. Time and time again, he puts his heart and soul into his job, both get broken and bruised in the process - but this broke my heart too.

There are good people out there. It's wrong to assume it's just their job, when they have such a profound impact on the people they serve. The kindness of others can make an awful, unbearable situation, survivable. To all of you who care: thank you.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

A Quick Question

I was waiting in the orthodontists office this morning and as I was flicking through Harper's Bazaar a question occured to me:

Why is it all of the models photographed look vacant, even vacuous?

Is beauty really defined by how empty the head is?

It is ever so slightly worrying.